I just want to crawl into a hole....

em·bar·rass

verb (used with object) 1. to cause confusion and shame to; make uncomfortably self-conscious; disconcert;


Oh yes, it was all of those things. I don't typically do really embarrassing stuff, or, I should say, I don't typically get overly embarrassed - there is a chance others observe my behavior and feel I should be embarrassed, but I am not. But this week, this very week, I did something that was so so sooooooooo embarrassing. It got me thinking about all of the strategies I have implemented in the past to ease myself out of uncomfortable, embarrassing situations. Most of these techniques were used honed during my middle school and high school years, but I feel like they still apply today.

The first and most effective way to diffuse an embarrassing situation is to laugh at yourself. I know others think that you should simply "not be embarrassed" which works in some cases, but if you truly are red-in-the-face, I want to crawl in a hole embarrassed, I think this strategy is pretty pathetic. So, in cases of extreme embarrassment, I have found that saying to whomever is around;

"Oh, I am so embarrassed."

Is actually the most effective response. At least now you've said what is on your mind and hopefully caused your audience to have a kernel of sympathy for you.

You can always try the "laugh it off" strategy. This works in certain cases quite well, and can help to bring a little lightness to a situation. It can also help you to model the behavior you want from those around you. If you don't think the event was that big of a deal/ devastating/ humiliating / etc. it stands to reason that your audience will respond in kind.

And then, there is the "pretend it never happened" strategy. This strategy probably works best when your audience is a child under the age of 2 or a group of complete strangers you will likely never see again. However, when used in any other situations, this strategy will only keep others from talking about the event to you, it will probably not keep them from thinking about it every time they see you and wondering why you are unable to admit what happened. This may be a good short term strategy, or a good response to a minor event, but probably won't work in the long term, and could make the embarrassing happening more important than it needs to be.

Do you have any strategies for countering the desire to crawl into a hole? I hope you do, and I hope that you use them with grace. In the mean time, I'll try to get back to being a person who doesn't embarrass herself all the time!

Just Breathe

It kind of cracks me up that the thing that can help you most to focus your mind, become more flexible, meditate, calm yourself, clear your mind, and shift perspective is something that you do pretty much involuntarily. What does that mean?

Breathing, focusing on your breath, "breathing into it", and taking "cleansing breaths" have been effective tools for me over the past few years.

Child screaming at operatic levels in supermarket? Deep breath.

Mindless chatter, negative thoughts, and football game blaring in the background? Breathe.

Poop on the carpet? Deep breath (s).

Matchbox car thrown at your head? Breathe.

Trying to enjoy the minute of silence before you need to dive back into the chaos of dropping off, picking up, errands, work, friends, neighbors, teachers and family? Just breathe.

Its free, its good for you, and it can offer a little reprieve or even a reverie in your day.

Now, back to the fray....

Advice evolved

In my 20's, during a period of time where I considered dating a bit of a sport, I used to joke with friends a lot about relationships. My favorite saying at the time was that:

"Communication was the root of all evil"

I know, it is pretty impractical, and is a pretty good indicator of just how superficial many of the relationships I had were. While the "Communication is the root of all evil" strategy was effective for dating a lot of people at one time, and certainly a workable strategy for a person who isn't sure of who she is and where she's going, for my current stage in life, it is certainly a perscription for misunderstandings and frustration.

Obviously, marriage, life experience, and a little frustration cured me of such a flimsy strategy, and I've been giving some thought lately to my current approach. For better or worse, I have become a

"Rip off the band-aid" person. When faced with crises, challenges, or even simple decisions, I'm finding that dealing with what is in front of me in the most effective way possible seems to work out well. It frees me up to enjoy the benefits of good decisions, and quickly deal with the aftermath of bad decisions I've made. We have such limited control over our lives, why not deal with what we can and enjoy our circumstances to the best of our ability? Just an idea for you advice seekers out there, whatever your stage in life, I hope you have a good approach and a lot of enjoyment.

An interview with a GREAT source of advice....

One of the people I go to for truly great advice and informed counsel is my incredibly talented sister-in-law; Courtney. Because she always shares such incredible insight, and has a job where she actually counsels parents, I thought an interview with her might be a help to some you out there….

So here it is, an interview with the one and only….Courtney Norton

ME: Can you please describe your job?

CN: I am a therapist at The Child Guidance Center in Santa Ana. I work with three different programs within our clinic:

1) Child Abuse Prevention Program where we provide individual, family, group therapy, parent-education and life-skill services to families that are referred by the Orange County Social Services agency for reasons related to child abuse and/or neglect.

2) The second is a program targeting children who have suffered through any type of violence and trauma. Through this program we are able to offer individual counseling to address emotionally related problems, learning and school behavioral problems related to these issues, as well as the needs of children experiencing depression, anxiety, and/or thought disorders.

3) The third program is our Parent Child Interaction Program (PCIT). This is one of my favorite programs that we work with. In PCIT we are able to provide parent coaching that works with the parent and child simultaneously. We use a wireless earphone in the ear of the parent, while observing the interaction between parent and child behind a one-way mirror. We then coach the parent on specific ways of relating to or managing the child’s behavior in the moment it’s happening. This enables us to provide immediate and effective responses to the child’s emotional crisis as it is happening.

ME: What would you say are 3 of the top strategies you recommend to your clients?

CN:

1) Praise, praise, praise! Giving kids specific praises when they are using appropriate behavior is a very effective tool. It not only lets him/her know what you like and expect from them but it also raises their self-esteem and makes both parent and child feel good! Be as specific as you can when praising, for example: “Charlie, you did such a nice job playing gently with your toys. I love when we play together”.

2) Consistency. The more consistent you can be with your child the better. When giving consequences to behavior, try to follow through as much as you can. It’s important to watch out for empty threats. I know we all have our moments where we throw a consequence out there and cringe at the thought of having to make dinner with no TV or having to cancel that play date they were so excited about! If you take a minute and think about a consequence that will be effective and that you can live with, it will be well worth your time. A good idea is to let your child know what the consequences are ahead of time. Helps both of you feel prepared and can decrease arguments. Set the ground rules and make your expectations clear.

3) Quality time. As busy moms we are all running in a million different directions trying to do it all. If you can spend as little as 5 minutes a day of special time with your kids, they will eat it up! This is the time to put your cell phone, computer, the stress and worries of the day aside and focus all of your attention on your child. Allow them to lead the play. It makes them feel special, builds their self-esteem and really shows that you are interested and listening to them. I find that it’s during this time that kids feel more comfortable talking; it opens up opportunities to communicate with your child. As they get older and start to rely on their peers more, this time can be invaluable. It’s a time to be silly, find your inner goofiness and just go with it! This can be tough if you have more than one child, so you can play with how it works within your family. If you have time to play with each child separately every day, great. If not, maybe try trading days. They will appreciate the extra effort. Make sure to give them a warning a few minutes before special playtime is over so they know what to expect. This is a great time to listen, to praise, and give them lots of hugs and kisses!

ME: What do you think are the greatest parenting challenges?

CN: Wow, this is a tough one! There are so many. Parenting the most rewarding, wonderful, amazing, yet HARD job that a person can have. Every family’s situation is so different that we all have our specific challenges. For me personally, I feel that trying to raise children that are happy, loving, kind, polite, educated, secure, confident (the list goes on…) all the while trying to work, keep up with friends and family, exercise, and maintain some romance in my marriage is a challenge that I struggle with daily. I find that connecting with other moms is a great way to work through these challenges. Or at least a great way to feel like you aren’t quite as crazy as you might have thought. Chances are, most of the other ladies are in the same boat. Whether it’s sharing stories, a glass of wine, books or parenting strategies, having a strong support system can be a godsend.

ME: If you could make a short list of minor things that parents do that end up causing harm without their realizing it, what would be on that list?

CN:

1) Criticizing your child. So many times without realizing it, we are saying things to our kids that come across as critical. Most of the time we do this unintentionally, thinking that we are disciplining our kids. In reality, these critical statements often increase the criticized behavior, can lower their self-esteem and create a sore spot in your relationship. Some examples of this are: “you are being naughty”, “that’s not right”, “you are driving me crazy”.

2) Modeling inappropriate behavior. Kids are very perceptive and are watching us ALL the time. Without realizing it, we are teaching our kids how to behave, how to treat others, how to interact just by living our day-to-day lives. The old adage, do as I say not as I do, unfortunately doesn’t apply with our little ones. Be mindful, and live the life you want your children to emulate.

ME: What is the best parenting advice you have ever received?

CN: I think it’s that a happy mom is a good mom. So often we put ourselves last in the long list of people to take care of. A mentor of mine taught me to take a cue from the flight attendants: “before putting the oxygen mask on everyone around you, put it on yourself, and then assist others”. The more that my soul is filled up, the more I have to give to my family. This is a hard one to live by, but I try to think of this advice when life starts to feel a little crazy and out of control.

ME: What is the best advice you have ever received?

CN: I have been very lucky to be surrounded by some pretty amazing people in my life, so it is hard to pick one thing. One piece of advice that I think of often is that life is short; live it like each day is your last. It’s so easy to put things off, to lose track of the people we love in the chaos of our busy lives. I try (not always successfully!), to keep this in mind and cherish the people who make my world a better place. I am lucky to have them and I strive to not take them for granted.

ME: What is the best advice you have ever given?

CN: Hug and kiss your family and friends every chance you get, travel the world, and spend time with people that make you laugh so hard that you cry!

Thank you so much to Courtney for indulging me and my somewhat “advice obsessed” queries! Hope you all feel a little more enriched for having spent the time pondering these words.

Why keep runninig?

I read somewhere that when you are exercising, and your mind is telling you that you are tired, or that you can't go any further, if you are able to continue through that point, you will burn the most calories and achieve the best results. That once you push through the desire to stop working, you will realize you can continue much further than you thought you could. The idea that continuing to try when you feel like you want to quit the most seems so counter-intuitive to me. In the rare times I've attempted to go for a run, I have always thought; "Well, my body is telling me that it is tired, so I had better listen to it and start walking or turn back home."

Apparently, this strategy will not get you or your body to become stronger. According to science, when you push through your internal desires to give up, you are able to become stronger and achieve greater physical feats.

I wonder if the same is true when it comes to non-physical challenges. In looking back over the past year, I am wondering if through trials where I wanted to give up but wasn't able to, if those experiences have caused me to grow and now perform at a higher level. I was talking with a friend the other day who told me; " I just never thought becoming a parent would change my life so drastically." And as I'm growing up, I'm realizing that the decisions we make are getting bigger, and often times they lead us to places where we are continually challenged, where we want to give up, but where we are hopefully developing and improving because we choose to push through the discomfort. We continue to keep working, talking, trying, even though we really don't want to, and even though quitting seems like it would be a lot easier.

I hope I'm on to something and that the challenges that are put before us, the ones that seem too hard, undeserved, and just plain gnarly, are all part of bringing us to a higher level of ourselves. Even if they're not, I'm a bit of a believer in using delusion to motivate you to achieve a goal. Even if the reward you imagine isn't the one you receive, at least you will have reached your goal!

The 30 day wait

This Sunday, my husband and I had the opportunity to have dinner with two couples, one couple was in town for a visit, so we were all able to find a time to break bread together. One of the wives was sharing her strategy for big life decisions, which I thought was pretty great.

Whenever thinking about getting something big that you think you REALLY want, you need to want it for 30 days straight.

Obviously, this strategy doesn't apply to buying a frozen yogurt, but it could be a good one to use when considering whether or not you should open a frozen yogurt shop. This idea of "wanting" for a sustained period of time, would also play into the idea that what you think about manifests itself, so you could be helping yourself towards your goal just by thinking about it for 30 days before actually going for it.

Here are a few other situations where the 30 day wait might be usefully employed:

*Getting a pet
*Changing jobs
*Buying a house
*Having plastic surgery
*Getting a tattoo
*Having sex with a new partner
*Moving
*Going back to school
*Quitting school
*Starting smoking
*Purchasing anything that you will have to save for or pay off later
*Having a baby

I realize that in certain of the situations listed above, thinking about wanting something may simply make you want it more, but I dare you to "want" whatever your something is with as much of a realistic, whole, picture as possible. For example; buying a new car would be wonderful, but consider the financial sacrifices you'll have to make to pay for it.

We are all able to access things at a tremendous pace. I can order a movie from home, shop online, get my dry cleaning picked up and delivered within a miraculously short window. I can download pictures, music, send a text to make a plan - almost instantly. But when making decisions that will cause a more lasting affect on your life, maybe trying out the 30 day wait could be a good idea. If nothing else, it will allow you to invest a little more in your decision, hopefully making you feel better about it in the long run.

Job Hunt

I have recently updated my resume and have been searching for work. The job market is definitely a tough one, and things are very different than they were when I was last employed. For example, the job I used to have has become somewhat obsolete, and though my skills are still certainly valuable, convincing a future employer that I am EXACTLY what they are looking for has proven to be a bit tough.

So I started thinking, what if I were to list all of the skills I have learned over the past few years of being a stay-at-home mom? What would that look like??

• Ability to set up and take apart advanced toy models including exersaucer, jumperoo, and various battery operated toys.
• Advanced level of comprehending non-verbal, screaming children, delivering sandwich, while driving, applying mascara and singing various children's songs.
• Creative ability to turn any daunting tasks into a song. Popular songs include: "Eat your peas" and "Potty Time".
  
• Strong interpersonal skills with terrorist toddlers in home and throughout the community. Ability to negotiate deal terms and avoid crisis on a 24 hour schedule.
• Extremely functional without sleep, food, or any personal maintenance. Ability to dress children, self, husband, and make 3 course meal for unexpected visitors under aforementioned conditions.
• Loving, upbeat attitude in the face of crisis, tremendous sales skills and creativity.
• Experience in advanced, multi-level operations. Able to balance the schedule of naps, meals, school, exercise, play dates, sports, therapies, holidays, and family time.
• Part time chef experience, working to create healthful meals with restrictive ingredients and unwilling participants.
• Advanced skill level in the following areas: sleeping strategies, containment of illness, potty training strategies, Applied Behavioral Analysis.
• Expert level room mom.
• Ability to carry infant car seat, infant, full load of groceries, diaper bag, purse, stroller and conduct a somewhat lucid conversation on a mobile phone.
  
• Extensive studies conducted on: local preschools, therapy clinics, autism resources, baby strollers, bottle types, pacifiers, kid-friendly restaurants, after-school programs, toddler clothing, and baby blankets.
• Advanced mastery of train sets, hot wheels, Disney princesses, puppet shows, and dance parties.

What would your personal life resume look like? While I don't think listing my extensive knowledge of "Thomas the Tank Engine" will ever help me to obtain a great job, I can't help but think my sales skills have certainly been sharpened by spending time with my kids. And if you ever need a toy set up in record time, well, you know who to call.......

Things I don't post on facebook...

A discussion on “authenticity” in the age of social networking.

Yes, I am doing this on my blog….IRONY!!

So I woke up Sunday morning, padded softly into my son’s room, and smelled the pungent stench of poop. The room was covered in poop, and so was my son. His beloved blankey, was not innocent in the hailstorm of excrement either. My first thought?

“I should seriously post this on facebook”.

I post adorable pictures of my two little angels. I don’t typically rant, or share thoughts or comment on the weather / traffic / state of political affairs / or much else. Nope, I save that for my blog, or a phone conversation with a friend. On facebook, as on my annual Christmas card, my life is full of love and adorable, even “SO cute” moments. It is not covered in poop. No, my REAL life, my authentic life is quite often covered in poop, milk, cereal, scratches and bacon grease. In this age of authenticity, transparency, are we all just becoming less real? If we pour our time, energy, mantras, thoughts all into these image producing, social sharing outlets, how does that affect who we truly are and how our lives really work?

I am all for privacy. I grew up in an arguably very WASP-y environment, my mother was all about image, and what people thought of us. She was an interior decorator, and constantly struggled to keep our home at a “model home” level of perfection. She was pleased when we emulated that level of order and type, and furious when we were too authentic. I struggle with this all the time. Deep down, I still strive to be perfect, and authentic. To create order, and peace, harmony, love, style, originality, humor, and a great canapé. But where is the line? I don’t think it’s possible to achieve all of the listed goals at once, if at all (note: my canapés are constantly soggy – boo freakin’ hoo). And is all of it really important anyhow? I don’t know, but I do think, every once in a while you have to share the moments that are real, so that when they happen to someone else, that person a: doesn’t think they’re crazy and b: can call you to find out the best method for chipping excrement out of a bed frame.

The miracle

I have heard it said that the experience of being pregnant is the closest that a human being can ever come to being a part of a miracle. When I think about how incredible it is that cells get together, multiply and divide and ultimately create a human baby with every cell doing just what it is supposed to do - in typical cases - then it is hard to disagree. However, after the parenting day I have had so far (and it is only 3pm) I would like to propose that love is the closest we can come to being a part of a miracle.

Loving your children, your spouse, your FAMILY, or even your friends in spite of all of the trials, hurts, behavior problems, mistakes, unkind words or disconnects you may have; to me, is truly miraculous. At church a few weeks ago, the speaker said that in couples therapy appointments, when one member of a couple can say " You are still the one I want to be with" then, he knows he is on the path towards healing with a couple. As a parent, my love for my children has certainly been tested, but of course always wins. As hard as it is to give them my very best all of the time, my love for them is greater than I ever could have imagined before they came into my life.

When you consider Love, you have to recognize the miraculous forms of it. It calls us to be the very best versions of ourselves. It draws us together to build families and communities. It allows us to be charitable to one another and to see each other in the best light possible. It compels us to do things we never thought we would do or could do. Though being pregnant was certainly incredible on an emotional, scientific, and spiritual level, I still think love brings me a lot closer to the miraculous.

Fancy Pants

I love getting dressed up. Costume parties, formal events, or just getting ready for a date night all make me excited and cause me to dedicate a few minutes to composing an ensemble. So why in the world did I end up spending a whole bunch of money I didn't need to for a formal event a few weekends ago??? In a rush to find the "perfect" outfit, I purchased a number of items I really didn't need. Sound familiar?? Yeah, I thought so. Who hasn't dashed out for the final finishing touches to an outfit the day of an event, only to bring their new items home and realize they already had something pretty similar in their closet?

So here is what I am going to do next time:

First, I am going to mine the closets of my friends and family (you know who you are, so watch out!!!). Right after I had purchased my new dress, I went over to my sister's house. My sister has about 10 dresses that I could have worn (for FREE) and had just as much fun in.

Second, I am going to mine closets for shoes and handbags. The day of the fun event, I felt I NEEDED to purchase a clutch bag to go with my new dress. Yes, I was at the necessity stage in my frenzied retail hunt. I finally found somehting that I thought I had to have, only to bring it home and realize that the clutch bags I already had actually would have worked better. UGH. Out of pride, I still used the new bag, so if anyone needs to borrow a white clutch, you know who to call. Shoes and bags are a LOT easier to borrow than dresses. And, it seems pretty rare that you need a fancy handbag. You want one to look nice, and compliment your entire outfit, but the number of times it is actually used seems like a pretty low number.

Third, I am going to try and give myself a deadline for these events! No more second guessing!!!! Sure, I'm in posession of another dress and new handbag due to my second guessing, but looking back, I would have looked just fine in one of my original options. My last minute panic that I was going to look like a bag lady next to everyone else was just fueled by insecurity -not reality. And a new dress, while a temporary fix to some levels of insecurity, is going to be an expensive way to keep my confidence up!!

The Answers

Have you ever continued to ask the same question over and over again, only to find that you don't like the answers you get? That has been happening to me quite a bit lately. When I first had my second child, I kept asking other moms with kids close in age

"It will get easier - right?"

And pretty unanimously, they would respond (with varying levels of sensitivity):

"No."



or: "You're in the easy part. It will get harder before it gets easier, so enjoy what you have in this moment. "



and: "It will get easier.....in like, 2 years."

I kept searching for the answer I wanted, and continued to get the answer that was correct instead. I attended a parenting meeting last Friday, looking for more answers. It was a typical parenting meeting; depressing, enlightening, scary, and confusing with random nuggets of information that were helpful. One of the "experts" speaking to us parents shared a nugget of information that I found to be inspirational.

He told us that the top athletes understand 3 keys to success:

1. Understand what needs to be done
We may not want to do it, but understanding what needs to be done, educating ourselves so that we are able to understand the tasks at hand, or working with the right people to direct us to the right tasks is the first step.

2. Be persistent

3. Have Endurance

While these simple instructions weren't what I necessarily wanted to hear, I think they were probably what I needed to hear. Realizing that challenges, no matter what they are, can be met with such a simple formula allowed me to feel a little more confident in addressing the tough roads ahead. Sure, I may be pushing boulders uphill in order to achieve the things I need to achieve, but at least having faith that I am doing the right things to get where I need to go afforded me a little freedom from wasting time second-guessing my methods.

My question, the one I've been asking over and over again:

"Am I doing this right?"

In a sense, was answered. In order to get the results you desire, follow the three steps. I may look back on this later and regret the time I've spent relishing this oversimplification, but for right now, for the challenges I'm working on, this answer FINALLY seems right. And manageable. So if nothing else, I hope this helps you simplify and feel peace about your challenges too.

Autism Awareness

April is Autism Awareness month. I don't know how long this has been the case, since this is the first year I realized there was an Autism Awareness month. My education on, in, and about Autism is constantly evolving, and this year is the first year I was "aware" of the "awareness" occurring throughout the month of April. There have been some phenomenal television shows, news specials, and print news media pieces discussing Autism and attempting to shed some light on this growing epidemic that is so incredibly enigmatic.

I've been a parent for 4 1/2 years now, but only a part of the Autism community for a little more than 1 1/2 years. There is so much I don't know about this disorder, but since I am trying to use this blog to give advice, I thought I'd take this opportunity to share a few things I have found helpful as a parent of a child with Autism.

Every individual with Autism is different. The condition manifests itself in a myriad of ways and the medical community is continuously struggling with how to define Autism Spectrum Disorders. In an attempt to share some information about a topic that is growing to affect a larger and larger portion of the population, I thought I would list some quick facts about Autism that I have learned in my brief and muddled education......

*Autism is a neurological disorder. If you see kids screaming out, spinning around in circles, flapping their hands, chewing on things that are not edible, behaving like maniacs, or acting completely out of control, try your very best not to judge. You really never know the whole story from the outside. If you feel compelled, offer to help. If the parent snaps at you, please try to show a little grace and remember the end of the previous sentence :). Remember, the children you see exhibiting this behavior have a neurological disorder. Their brains do not function in the same way other brains do.

*People with Autism can range in ability from being mentally retarded to being geniuses. As more and more therapies come available, we are able to tap into the ability to communicate with this population of individuals in a way we were never able to before. Try to approach children struggling with this disorder with the understanding that they have a tremendous amount of potential, the rest of the world just needs to find a way to access it.

*The way a person with Autism experiences the world is very different than that of a "neuro-typical" or "typical" person. Often times elements that may be normal to you can be very upsetting to a person with autism. Certain types of loud noises, unexpected laughter, bright lights, wind chimes, anything unexpected or unfamiliar can be very disconcerting to a child with autism.

*A brilliant doctor told me recently; "We support our kids with Autism by respecting their needs, and not letting them get upset if it can be prevented. Once they are upset, they aren't learning anything." You need to challenge kids with this disorder, you need to introduce them to new things and you need to meet them where they are and try and encourage them to grow into a higher level. But the understanding that by not respecting my son's needs, I was preventing him from learning truly resonated with me.

There is a lot to learn about Autism. We know so much more than we ever have and so little all at once. As a parent of a child with this disorder, I've had the opportunity to learn a lot of things I never would have learned otherwise. There are a lot of places you can go to find out more about Autism, but if you are looking to help support a friend or family member, I would recommend simply sitting down with them and asking some of the following questions:

*What can I do to help?

*Tell me about your understanding of (child's name here)'s Autism

*What is his/her biggest struggle right now?

*How can I help support (child)?

*Is there anything you would recommend I read?


If you are just interested in learning more about autism, I found these resources to be helpful:

www.autismspeaks.org
www.taca.org
"1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising Children with Autism or Aspergers" by Notbohm and Zysk
"Looking After Louis" by Ely and Dunbar

Happy Autism Awareness Month, hopefully more knowlegde about this disorder will help you to better understand and support the people you love.

First Date Night

I recently had a friend ask me for good date night converstaion topics, and I didn't get a chance to respond to her in time. So, rather than waste all of the ideas I came up with, I thought I'd post a few here. In my early 20's I was a bit of a date-a-holic. I really enjoyed the dating process. I know that makes me a bit of a freak, but I think it has to do with the fact that I like learning about people, and I like adventure. A first date is nothing if not an adventure into someones life. Certainly, there were some BAD dates, but I usually found I was able to keep the conversation moving, even if it was to continue discussing my date's obsession with his mother. WEIRD!!!

Whenever I'm getting ready to go somewhere with someone I don't know that well, and sometimes when I'm getting ready for a date night with my husband, I find myself thinking of good conversation topics. A good conversation topic for a first date is usually one that allows you to find out more about the person you are with. It should strike the balance between being original and unexpected while still being somewhat broad and easy to discuss. The topic should bring up feelings that are light and enjoyable, rather than depressing and jarring. Always consider your audience when you bring up a new topic. Before asking a question, try to conceive of your date's possible answers, if there is a chance that the answers could bring up some bad feelings, you might want to consider a different topic. Here are a few questions and topics I've discussed in the past that I found were pretty good during the first date.....

• When was the last time you laughed really hard?

• Where is your favorite place?

• What clebrity would you like to be for a day?

• What do you like about yourself? You don't actually have to come out and ask this one directly, if you're listening to someone, they'll likely indicate something they like about themselves or a quality that they have, and you can use this as a jumping off point for conversation.

• How did you end up in your current line of work - if the person is between jobs or HATES their job this is obviously not a good question. This is a really good one if the date conversation is not going well since it will take up a LOT of time and offer you the opportunity to ask a lot of follow up questions. People enjoy talking about themselves and this allows you to keep the focus of the conversation on your date. So that you don't have to sit in silence and you can think about what you want to do next. If the conversation is going well and you're looking to get the focus off you, this is a good one too. It will also give you a brief recent history of the person you're with.

• And finally, there is my new favorite question..... Which rap song best describes you?

Happy dating!

Testy Test Taker

So I am studying to take a test. The test date is set. The study material is piled up high in a dusty corner. And I am now extremely motivated to do ANYTHING but study for the exam. It is remarkable, truly, how irrational my behavior is, but as you might have guessed, I'm totally giving into it - since I'm updating my blog :).

I decided to sign up for the courses, I signed up for the test date, so why on earth am I not actively working to complete my task???? It seems I have simply forgotten (or blocked out) how hard it is to start studying after you have been out of practice for a while. Suddenly, signing up for that writing class at UCI doesn't seem like that great of an idea anymore.

I look back on my time in school fondly, and somewhat inaccurately. I seem to have forgotten how difficult it was to sit in the library for 4-6 hour stretches; concentrating and re-fueling every once in a while with a huge Diet Coke and a bag of Gardettos snack mix. I seem to have blocked out my internal pre-test freak out cycle:

FIRST:
Oh my gosh, how did I get myself into this mess? I'm never going to pass this test.

SECOND: Well, there is nothing to do now but do my best. I just need to get started and keep studying. I just need to be focussed, organized, and pray to the test gods. In most cases, there was some irrational crying that ocurred in the 2nd phase

THIRD: Hmm, well I seem to be retaining this material and recalling a lot more than I thought. Now that I've put a few hours in, I actually think I may at least pass this thing

FOURTH: Okay, I am now pretty prepared and have anywhere from 6 hours - 2 days until the exam. Maybe I should go help someone else with this. If I just review a little bit here and there, I should do okay.

FIFTH: Man, that was not as hard as I thought it would be. Phew! I passed. I should really sign up for another one of these, I mean I can totally do this type of thing with my eyes closed. That wasn't that hard! Next time I'm going to remember this feeling and I'm not going to freak out.

Of course, every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME I face an exam or even a new challenge, my first reaction is fear. Which is pretty ridiculous since I always look back on things with a clearer and much calmer perspective. I've been out of the working world for a while now, and out of the test taking world for even longer. Now that I've thrown myself into this position where I have a test to take, I must apologize. School is hard! It is a completely different kind of difficult than my current routine, but difficult all the same. So to those of you who are in school, just finished school, or are in a position where you have to take tests on a regular basis; I want to apologize and give you back some of the credit I was cheating you out of. Now that I'm actually walking on the "greener" grass, I realize it's still a tough lawn to navigate successfully!

Wish me luck, procrastination time is over :).