I love Thanksgiving. I love the food. I love the idea that we are supposed to spend a day feeling thankful for all of our blessings. Unfortunately, I have had a few holiday mis-steps over the years. In light of these, I'd like to give some advice on for your consideration over the Thanksgiving holiday:
BAD IDEAS:
1. Spend the time with your family completely wrapped up in your own insecurities so that you have no ability to ask them how they are doing.
2. Over-indulge in spirits the night before Thanksgiving so that you feel completely terrible until about 5pm Thanksgiving day.
3. Do not help with the meal, the dishes, ANYTHING at all. Then complain about the food and the surroundings.
4. Talk about how you would be more thankful if you were at a better Thanksgiving celebration.
5. Disagree. With everything anyone says.
GOOD IDEAS:
1. Try and have at least 3 really good conversations throughout the day.
2. Help the hostess (if you are the hostess, help yourself and delegate!).
3. Think of one thing you like about each of the guests you're sharing your celebration with.
4. Consider where you've been in years past and ponder how you have grown or how your life has changed for the better over the past year.
5. Give hugs. Give smiles. Be charitable and kind.
I look back on so many of the family holidays we had when I was younger, and I regret not being totally "present" for them. My grandparents have passed on, and especially this year, I realize that as life goes on, the holidays - and who we celebrate them with - continue to change. I'm so thankful for the holidays I get to share now, but a part of me regrets not enjoying the holidays I got to spend with my aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins to the fullest. Many of us are married, have children of our own, and are evolving into our own family traditions. A thought to remember - no matter who you spend your holiday with, you likely won't get to - or have to - celebrate with them forever. So try take time and be grateful for the time you have together - or, for the fact that it won't be forever!!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Mommy Manners
Q:Mother-in-law Etiquette. I heart my mother-in-law, and of course I absolutely love that she wants to spend as much time as possible with my child. However she doesn't share my views on etiquette and doesn't understand why I think it is a big deal. Now my daughter is learning to talk and I hear my mother-in-law say things like "say doggie move!'" to our dog. I will try to correct her and say, "no, we say 'excuse me doggie.'". And then I get an eye roll from my mother in law. I recognize that my daughter may or may not understand these sentences, but I want to set a good example. Am I over-reacting? Is there another way to tell my mother-in-law that a) she should be more polite generally, and b) that I would prefer that she be aware of her etiquette and the example she's setting when around my daughter? Also, what is the best way for me to tell her not to buy the light up Disney Princess shoes for a little girl who still doesn't know who the Disney Princesses are? I know a day will come when my house is full of Disney Princess stuff, but I'd like to hold off as long as possible.
A: Family is incredible, the source of tremendous joy and frustration, all at the same time. The relationship you have with your in-laws changes so dramatically when children come along! You are right, you are very lucky that your mother-in-law is present in your daughter's life! You also have the right to direct the rules of behavior for your child. I'm pretty sure that is a big part of your job as a parent; you make up the rules and you have to enforce them. Kids are impressionable, and in their younger ages, consistency is critical.
When you hear your mother-in-law directing your child to do something that is contrary to your "family rules", try gently letting her know that right now, you are really working on politeness with your daughter. Explain that you are trying to work on these things at home and give some examples of what your mother-in-law might help you with. She may roll her eyes, but the best thing you can do is address the situation and try and get her involved in the process. Of course, you can't expect your in-laws to parent exactly the way you do, but you can keep them informed on what you're working on and involve them in the process. If your mother-in-law doesn't want to be involved in the process of teaching manners, that is absolutely fine! No problem, but at least by informing her of what you're working on (and why it is important to you) the chances of her going against your requests are diminished somewhat.
Parenting is a tough gig, and I'm convinced we all think we're doing it right. If your mother-in-law continues to instruct your daughter incorrectly, all you can do is continue to re-enforce your teachings with your daughter. There are a lot of manners books out there you can read with her, and once she's a little older, you can further explain that though "grammie" said something was okay, that isn't how you behave in your family, and you can have a chance to talk in depth about rules and why manners are so important.
LIGHT UP PRINCESS SHOES!!! I am on the other side of the princess rainbow. My daughter has discovered and is fascinated with princesses. I shamelessly encourage it because sadly, I wish my feet fit into some of those light up slippers. It must be the country/valley girl in me. I don't know, but that is another blog all together!!!
I am a big proponent of setting boundaries with the gift giving. I know, I'm kind of grinchy about it, but as the parent, you are a gatekeeper to what your child is exposed to. If you feel a gift is inappropriate for your child, you can always try the following:
First, graciously thank the gift giver, then let them know that the gift is too "old" for your child, and that you'll be putting it away until she's ready to play with it.
Or, you can let the gift giver know that you so appreciate their generosity, but that you're trying to hold off on exposing your daughter to the sexist world of Disney princesses and that you are fundamentally against anything that is made of plastic.
Okay, maybe best not to totally alienate your family, but I felt the need for a little comic relief with all this heavy parenting stuff!! Another thing you could do would be to let your family know that their presence with your child is more than a gift enough. If that doesn't work and they are still compelled to shower your darling daughter with gifts, direct them on what your daughter likes to play with (and what you are wanting her to play with).
In the end, this will all pass and your little one will be better off for being blessed with having loving family members that surround her as she grows. Having an open and clear dialogue with family about your parenting rules is a great habit to start so that in-laws know what you want them to do.
Good Luck!!
A: Family is incredible, the source of tremendous joy and frustration, all at the same time. The relationship you have with your in-laws changes so dramatically when children come along! You are right, you are very lucky that your mother-in-law is present in your daughter's life! You also have the right to direct the rules of behavior for your child. I'm pretty sure that is a big part of your job as a parent; you make up the rules and you have to enforce them. Kids are impressionable, and in their younger ages, consistency is critical.
When you hear your mother-in-law directing your child to do something that is contrary to your "family rules", try gently letting her know that right now, you are really working on politeness with your daughter. Explain that you are trying to work on these things at home and give some examples of what your mother-in-law might help you with. She may roll her eyes, but the best thing you can do is address the situation and try and get her involved in the process. Of course, you can't expect your in-laws to parent exactly the way you do, but you can keep them informed on what you're working on and involve them in the process. If your mother-in-law doesn't want to be involved in the process of teaching manners, that is absolutely fine! No problem, but at least by informing her of what you're working on (and why it is important to you) the chances of her going against your requests are diminished somewhat.
Parenting is a tough gig, and I'm convinced we all think we're doing it right. If your mother-in-law continues to instruct your daughter incorrectly, all you can do is continue to re-enforce your teachings with your daughter. There are a lot of manners books out there you can read with her, and once she's a little older, you can further explain that though "grammie" said something was okay, that isn't how you behave in your family, and you can have a chance to talk in depth about rules and why manners are so important.
LIGHT UP PRINCESS SHOES!!! I am on the other side of the princess rainbow. My daughter has discovered and is fascinated with princesses. I shamelessly encourage it because sadly, I wish my feet fit into some of those light up slippers. It must be the country/valley girl in me. I don't know, but that is another blog all together!!!
I am a big proponent of setting boundaries with the gift giving. I know, I'm kind of grinchy about it, but as the parent, you are a gatekeeper to what your child is exposed to. If you feel a gift is inappropriate for your child, you can always try the following:
First, graciously thank the gift giver, then let them know that the gift is too "old" for your child, and that you'll be putting it away until she's ready to play with it.
Or, you can let the gift giver know that you so appreciate their generosity, but that you're trying to hold off on exposing your daughter to the sexist world of Disney princesses and that you are fundamentally against anything that is made of plastic.
Okay, maybe best not to totally alienate your family, but I felt the need for a little comic relief with all this heavy parenting stuff!! Another thing you could do would be to let your family know that their presence with your child is more than a gift enough. If that doesn't work and they are still compelled to shower your darling daughter with gifts, direct them on what your daughter likes to play with (and what you are wanting her to play with).
In the end, this will all pass and your little one will be better off for being blessed with having loving family members that surround her as she grows. Having an open and clear dialogue with family about your parenting rules is a great habit to start so that in-laws know what you want them to do.
Good Luck!!
Traveling with Tots
Q: Air travel for 18 hours with a toddler. I realize that your list of "things that are generally not a good idea" contains air travel for more than 20 hours with an infant...but what about a 20 month old for 18 hours? My husband will be in Korea for three months for work next spring, so my daughter and I are planning to go over to see him. I happen to think that the nightmare of travelling alone with a 20 month old to Korea and back is slightly outweighed by Chad and Ella not having to go three whole months without seeing one another. Since I know you did a big trip with your son, I would love to know what you would recommend and/or do differently? Can I tranquilize her? Do I get a seat on the opposite end of the plane and pretend I don't know the screaming child? Please help!
A: You are a daring mom living in the modern world. I did take my son from LA to South Africa when he was only 1 year old, and I still think I shaved a few years off of my life through the sleep deprivation, stress and exhaustion. Traveling with a 20 month old completely by yourself sounds scary, but certainly not impossible. Here are a few of my tips for travel with kids:
1. Recognize that you are going on an ADVENTURE not a VACATION. You're embarking on a great mommy and me adventure into the big wide world. Adventures are filled with the unexpected and challenges. Expect that.
2. Try to schedule the flight that makes the most sense with your child's sleep pattern. Try to make your child as comfortable as possible on the flight. Bring familiar books, blankets, dress her in pajamas if you think that will help.
3. Get the bulkhead seat if possible. The airline will tell you that this seat cannot be reserved, that you have to wait until you check in to get it, do whatever you can to speak to a manager, explain that you'll be traveling alone with a child, and get that seat! If you have it, you can set down a blanket on the floor and have a little play area for your crawler to explore. It won't be much space, but it is much better than nothing.
4. Get your child a seat. I know it's going to be really expensive, but 20 hours is nothing to mess around with. You could get away with not doing this, but I wouldn't chance it.
5. Bring some new books, activities (stickers, coloring books, games, toys, etc.) If you are okay with her watching TV, get a portable DVD player and some DVD's (or find out if the airline has these already and if their programming is appropriate for your child. Also, since you'll be visiting your husband, maybe bring a photo album with pictures of him or a book about where you're going.
One note about the carry on however....try to break up your carry on luggage into two small bags. When I traveled with Blake, I put everything into one of those extra-Extra-Large Lands End bags. I ended up having a heck of a time trying to get anything out because I had over packed so much junk!
6. Before your trip, read your child stories about traveling on an airplane, talk about what you'll be doing, how you'll sleep on the airplane, how you'll behave, etc.
7. Bring snacks and food and treats - whatever you think will be good bribes, bring them. If you don't use them, no problem, but better to have them just in case your child is a picky eater or the food on the flight is absolutely terrible.
8. Pack an extra shirt for yourself in your carry on- with kids especially - accidents happen.
9. Definitely try to get a direct flight. I had thought a lay over was a good idea when we went to South Africa, it WASN'T! Though the thought of being trapped on an airplane for 20 hours seems frightening, lay overs just add to the length of your trip. The sooner you get there, the better.
10. Make a plan with your husband to have him and your daughter spend some quality time together when you arrive so you can go promptly to the spa to relax!
I know there are thousands of other travel tips, but these seemed like a good start. This will undoubtedly be a very exciting trip for you and your child, and surely one you won't forget!! Take pictures and video to remind her of her trip to Korea, and have fun. When in doubt, a good laugh will go a long way.
A: You are a daring mom living in the modern world. I did take my son from LA to South Africa when he was only 1 year old, and I still think I shaved a few years off of my life through the sleep deprivation, stress and exhaustion. Traveling with a 20 month old completely by yourself sounds scary, but certainly not impossible. Here are a few of my tips for travel with kids:
1. Recognize that you are going on an ADVENTURE not a VACATION. You're embarking on a great mommy and me adventure into the big wide world. Adventures are filled with the unexpected and challenges. Expect that.
2. Try to schedule the flight that makes the most sense with your child's sleep pattern. Try to make your child as comfortable as possible on the flight. Bring familiar books, blankets, dress her in pajamas if you think that will help.
3. Get the bulkhead seat if possible. The airline will tell you that this seat cannot be reserved, that you have to wait until you check in to get it, do whatever you can to speak to a manager, explain that you'll be traveling alone with a child, and get that seat! If you have it, you can set down a blanket on the floor and have a little play area for your crawler to explore. It won't be much space, but it is much better than nothing.
4. Get your child a seat. I know it's going to be really expensive, but 20 hours is nothing to mess around with. You could get away with not doing this, but I wouldn't chance it.
5. Bring some new books, activities (stickers, coloring books, games, toys, etc.) If you are okay with her watching TV, get a portable DVD player and some DVD's (or find out if the airline has these already and if their programming is appropriate for your child. Also, since you'll be visiting your husband, maybe bring a photo album with pictures of him or a book about where you're going.
One note about the carry on however....try to break up your carry on luggage into two small bags. When I traveled with Blake, I put everything into one of those extra-Extra-Large Lands End bags. I ended up having a heck of a time trying to get anything out because I had over packed so much junk!
6. Before your trip, read your child stories about traveling on an airplane, talk about what you'll be doing, how you'll sleep on the airplane, how you'll behave, etc.
7. Bring snacks and food and treats - whatever you think will be good bribes, bring them. If you don't use them, no problem, but better to have them just in case your child is a picky eater or the food on the flight is absolutely terrible.
8. Pack an extra shirt for yourself in your carry on- with kids especially - accidents happen.
9. Definitely try to get a direct flight. I had thought a lay over was a good idea when we went to South Africa, it WASN'T! Though the thought of being trapped on an airplane for 20 hours seems frightening, lay overs just add to the length of your trip. The sooner you get there, the better.
10. Make a plan with your husband to have him and your daughter spend some quality time together when you arrive so you can go promptly to the spa to relax!
I know there are thousands of other travel tips, but these seemed like a good start. This will undoubtedly be a very exciting trip for you and your child, and surely one you won't forget!! Take pictures and video to remind her of her trip to Korea, and have fun. When in doubt, a good laugh will go a long way.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Perseverence... Another "P word" Worth Discussing
I hated P.E. when I was younger. I absolutely DREADED running. Even on days where I was feeling particularly spunky, I always found myself wanting to quit running and start walking remarkably soon after I had started. Throughout my teens and college years I tried to run. I joined gym memberships, watched television while on the treadmill, went to the gym with friends, even boyfriends. To date, I think my personal best has been 20 minutes of running time. I can walk for hours, but running has always required a level of perseverance I can't seem to muster.
It occurred to me this week that life in your 30's seems to require a lot of perseverance. Marriage, children, work, keeping your life moving in the direction you want it to go, all requires perseverance. I'm ashamed to admit that historically I strongly prefer activities in which I am already proficient. I have been able to avoid the need for sustained perseverance for most of my life. I pride myself on finding the quickest and easiest route to complete a task, making me useful for efficiency tips but not very strong in the perseverance department. In my 20's I managed to maintain a fun lifestyle without needing a ton of perseverance. Yes, there were days where I didn't want to do something and I still did it, but there weren't extended periods of perseverance. In our early working years the absence of a set plan in life can allow us to look at things as temporary rather than a "long haul".
In your 30's you begin to root into your life. You might buy a home, get married, build a family, build a community, or establish yourself in your career. Once you start on this path, the need for perseverance kicks into overdrive. You make choices to get yourself to a place and once you get there, sometimes the weather sucks. Or it doesn't always look like you thought it would. Some days it is a lot less fantastic than you had hoped even though it is still everything you want. What to do then? Perseverance. I'm still working on being able to run further for longer, working on pushing through the discomfort to keep running. Hopefully in a few years I'll have learned to keep running, and instead of noticing the physical drain, I'll enjoy more of the scenery and feel pride in how far I can go.
It occurred to me this week that life in your 30's seems to require a lot of perseverance. Marriage, children, work, keeping your life moving in the direction you want it to go, all requires perseverance. I'm ashamed to admit that historically I strongly prefer activities in which I am already proficient. I have been able to avoid the need for sustained perseverance for most of my life. I pride myself on finding the quickest and easiest route to complete a task, making me useful for efficiency tips but not very strong in the perseverance department. In my 20's I managed to maintain a fun lifestyle without needing a ton of perseverance. Yes, there were days where I didn't want to do something and I still did it, but there weren't extended periods of perseverance. In our early working years the absence of a set plan in life can allow us to look at things as temporary rather than a "long haul".
In your 30's you begin to root into your life. You might buy a home, get married, build a family, build a community, or establish yourself in your career. Once you start on this path, the need for perseverance kicks into overdrive. You make choices to get yourself to a place and once you get there, sometimes the weather sucks. Or it doesn't always look like you thought it would. Some days it is a lot less fantastic than you had hoped even though it is still everything you want. What to do then? Perseverance. I'm still working on being able to run further for longer, working on pushing through the discomfort to keep running. Hopefully in a few years I'll have learned to keep running, and instead of noticing the physical drain, I'll enjoy more of the scenery and feel pride in how far I can go.
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