Advice evolved

In my 20's, during a period of time where I considered dating a bit of a sport, I used to joke with friends a lot about relationships. My favorite saying at the time was that:

"Communication was the root of all evil"

I know, it is pretty impractical, and is a pretty good indicator of just how superficial many of the relationships I had were. While the "Communication is the root of all evil" strategy was effective for dating a lot of people at one time, and certainly a workable strategy for a person who isn't sure of who she is and where she's going, for my current stage in life, it is certainly a perscription for misunderstandings and frustration.

Obviously, marriage, life experience, and a little frustration cured me of such a flimsy strategy, and I've been giving some thought lately to my current approach. For better or worse, I have become a

"Rip off the band-aid" person. When faced with crises, challenges, or even simple decisions, I'm finding that dealing with what is in front of me in the most effective way possible seems to work out well. It frees me up to enjoy the benefits of good decisions, and quickly deal with the aftermath of bad decisions I've made. We have such limited control over our lives, why not deal with what we can and enjoy our circumstances to the best of our ability? Just an idea for you advice seekers out there, whatever your stage in life, I hope you have a good approach and a lot of enjoyment.

An interview with a GREAT source of advice....

One of the people I go to for truly great advice and informed counsel is my incredibly talented sister-in-law; Courtney. Because she always shares such incredible insight, and has a job where she actually counsels parents, I thought an interview with her might be a help to some you out there….

So here it is, an interview with the one and only….Courtney Norton

ME: Can you please describe your job?

CN: I am a therapist at The Child Guidance Center in Santa Ana. I work with three different programs within our clinic:

1) Child Abuse Prevention Program where we provide individual, family, group therapy, parent-education and life-skill services to families that are referred by the Orange County Social Services agency for reasons related to child abuse and/or neglect.

2) The second is a program targeting children who have suffered through any type of violence and trauma. Through this program we are able to offer individual counseling to address emotionally related problems, learning and school behavioral problems related to these issues, as well as the needs of children experiencing depression, anxiety, and/or thought disorders.

3) The third program is our Parent Child Interaction Program (PCIT). This is one of my favorite programs that we work with. In PCIT we are able to provide parent coaching that works with the parent and child simultaneously. We use a wireless earphone in the ear of the parent, while observing the interaction between parent and child behind a one-way mirror. We then coach the parent on specific ways of relating to or managing the child’s behavior in the moment it’s happening. This enables us to provide immediate and effective responses to the child’s emotional crisis as it is happening.

ME: What would you say are 3 of the top strategies you recommend to your clients?

CN:

1) Praise, praise, praise! Giving kids specific praises when they are using appropriate behavior is a very effective tool. It not only lets him/her know what you like and expect from them but it also raises their self-esteem and makes both parent and child feel good! Be as specific as you can when praising, for example: “Charlie, you did such a nice job playing gently with your toys. I love when we play together”.

2) Consistency. The more consistent you can be with your child the better. When giving consequences to behavior, try to follow through as much as you can. It’s important to watch out for empty threats. I know we all have our moments where we throw a consequence out there and cringe at the thought of having to make dinner with no TV or having to cancel that play date they were so excited about! If you take a minute and think about a consequence that will be effective and that you can live with, it will be well worth your time. A good idea is to let your child know what the consequences are ahead of time. Helps both of you feel prepared and can decrease arguments. Set the ground rules and make your expectations clear.

3) Quality time. As busy moms we are all running in a million different directions trying to do it all. If you can spend as little as 5 minutes a day of special time with your kids, they will eat it up! This is the time to put your cell phone, computer, the stress and worries of the day aside and focus all of your attention on your child. Allow them to lead the play. It makes them feel special, builds their self-esteem and really shows that you are interested and listening to them. I find that it’s during this time that kids feel more comfortable talking; it opens up opportunities to communicate with your child. As they get older and start to rely on their peers more, this time can be invaluable. It’s a time to be silly, find your inner goofiness and just go with it! This can be tough if you have more than one child, so you can play with how it works within your family. If you have time to play with each child separately every day, great. If not, maybe try trading days. They will appreciate the extra effort. Make sure to give them a warning a few minutes before special playtime is over so they know what to expect. This is a great time to listen, to praise, and give them lots of hugs and kisses!

ME: What do you think are the greatest parenting challenges?

CN: Wow, this is a tough one! There are so many. Parenting the most rewarding, wonderful, amazing, yet HARD job that a person can have. Every family’s situation is so different that we all have our specific challenges. For me personally, I feel that trying to raise children that are happy, loving, kind, polite, educated, secure, confident (the list goes on…) all the while trying to work, keep up with friends and family, exercise, and maintain some romance in my marriage is a challenge that I struggle with daily. I find that connecting with other moms is a great way to work through these challenges. Or at least a great way to feel like you aren’t quite as crazy as you might have thought. Chances are, most of the other ladies are in the same boat. Whether it’s sharing stories, a glass of wine, books or parenting strategies, having a strong support system can be a godsend.

ME: If you could make a short list of minor things that parents do that end up causing harm without their realizing it, what would be on that list?

CN:

1) Criticizing your child. So many times without realizing it, we are saying things to our kids that come across as critical. Most of the time we do this unintentionally, thinking that we are disciplining our kids. In reality, these critical statements often increase the criticized behavior, can lower their self-esteem and create a sore spot in your relationship. Some examples of this are: “you are being naughty”, “that’s not right”, “you are driving me crazy”.

2) Modeling inappropriate behavior. Kids are very perceptive and are watching us ALL the time. Without realizing it, we are teaching our kids how to behave, how to treat others, how to interact just by living our day-to-day lives. The old adage, do as I say not as I do, unfortunately doesn’t apply with our little ones. Be mindful, and live the life you want your children to emulate.

ME: What is the best parenting advice you have ever received?

CN: I think it’s that a happy mom is a good mom. So often we put ourselves last in the long list of people to take care of. A mentor of mine taught me to take a cue from the flight attendants: “before putting the oxygen mask on everyone around you, put it on yourself, and then assist others”. The more that my soul is filled up, the more I have to give to my family. This is a hard one to live by, but I try to think of this advice when life starts to feel a little crazy and out of control.

ME: What is the best advice you have ever received?

CN: I have been very lucky to be surrounded by some pretty amazing people in my life, so it is hard to pick one thing. One piece of advice that I think of often is that life is short; live it like each day is your last. It’s so easy to put things off, to lose track of the people we love in the chaos of our busy lives. I try (not always successfully!), to keep this in mind and cherish the people who make my world a better place. I am lucky to have them and I strive to not take them for granted.

ME: What is the best advice you have ever given?

CN: Hug and kiss your family and friends every chance you get, travel the world, and spend time with people that make you laugh so hard that you cry!

Thank you so much to Courtney for indulging me and my somewhat “advice obsessed” queries! Hope you all feel a little more enriched for having spent the time pondering these words.

Why keep runninig?

I read somewhere that when you are exercising, and your mind is telling you that you are tired, or that you can't go any further, if you are able to continue through that point, you will burn the most calories and achieve the best results. That once you push through the desire to stop working, you will realize you can continue much further than you thought you could. The idea that continuing to try when you feel like you want to quit the most seems so counter-intuitive to me. In the rare times I've attempted to go for a run, I have always thought; "Well, my body is telling me that it is tired, so I had better listen to it and start walking or turn back home."

Apparently, this strategy will not get you or your body to become stronger. According to science, when you push through your internal desires to give up, you are able to become stronger and achieve greater physical feats.

I wonder if the same is true when it comes to non-physical challenges. In looking back over the past year, I am wondering if through trials where I wanted to give up but wasn't able to, if those experiences have caused me to grow and now perform at a higher level. I was talking with a friend the other day who told me; " I just never thought becoming a parent would change my life so drastically." And as I'm growing up, I'm realizing that the decisions we make are getting bigger, and often times they lead us to places where we are continually challenged, where we want to give up, but where we are hopefully developing and improving because we choose to push through the discomfort. We continue to keep working, talking, trying, even though we really don't want to, and even though quitting seems like it would be a lot easier.

I hope I'm on to something and that the challenges that are put before us, the ones that seem too hard, undeserved, and just plain gnarly, are all part of bringing us to a higher level of ourselves. Even if they're not, I'm a bit of a believer in using delusion to motivate you to achieve a goal. Even if the reward you imagine isn't the one you receive, at least you will have reached your goal!

The 30 day wait

This Sunday, my husband and I had the opportunity to have dinner with two couples, one couple was in town for a visit, so we were all able to find a time to break bread together. One of the wives was sharing her strategy for big life decisions, which I thought was pretty great.

Whenever thinking about getting something big that you think you REALLY want, you need to want it for 30 days straight.

Obviously, this strategy doesn't apply to buying a frozen yogurt, but it could be a good one to use when considering whether or not you should open a frozen yogurt shop. This idea of "wanting" for a sustained period of time, would also play into the idea that what you think about manifests itself, so you could be helping yourself towards your goal just by thinking about it for 30 days before actually going for it.

Here are a few other situations where the 30 day wait might be usefully employed:

*Getting a pet
*Changing jobs
*Buying a house
*Having plastic surgery
*Getting a tattoo
*Having sex with a new partner
*Moving
*Going back to school
*Quitting school
*Starting smoking
*Purchasing anything that you will have to save for or pay off later
*Having a baby

I realize that in certain of the situations listed above, thinking about wanting something may simply make you want it more, but I dare you to "want" whatever your something is with as much of a realistic, whole, picture as possible. For example; buying a new car would be wonderful, but consider the financial sacrifices you'll have to make to pay for it.

We are all able to access things at a tremendous pace. I can order a movie from home, shop online, get my dry cleaning picked up and delivered within a miraculously short window. I can download pictures, music, send a text to make a plan - almost instantly. But when making decisions that will cause a more lasting affect on your life, maybe trying out the 30 day wait could be a good idea. If nothing else, it will allow you to invest a little more in your decision, hopefully making you feel better about it in the long run.