Rambling on Sandcastles and Golden Tickets

On Monday, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.  I received word that a schedule was changing and that there was nothing I could do about it and the change negatively affects our son.

On Tuesday, I woke up, and realized I was being a total baby, bratty, emotional, overly-obsessive mom the day before, and had the opportunity to see this…..

                                               

While checking out the remains of the local sandcastle contest.  I’m just going to say, it’s pretty cool (and a little crazy if you want to take a step back and get some perspective) to live in an area where they have sandcastle contests.  For adults.  For real.

                                             

Flash to the meeting I went to on Tuesday morning, moments after the… incredible beach walk and sandcastle remnant appreciation, birds singing, flowers blooming, lovers loving observation…..and an hour later I’m in a puddle again.  Of my own tears, that literally, are bursting out of my eyes, and showering down from the dark cloud of pre-tornado winds that have formed above my head.  My head that knows better, my head that has a brain and a spirit that is desperately trying to remain aware (and hopefully grateful) of how fortunate I am. 

There are silly days, there are wonderful days, and sometimes there are dodge-it days where I try to run, jump or hide from the bummer news hurled in my direction.  I know in my heart that I can’t let a parenting expert with a well-meaning recommendation get me down.  I know I can’t expect everyone to understand what is going on in my life, and I know that sometimes I just need to relax and accept that what is happening is temporary.  But it’s still hard.  Even with all the blessings, it’s still hard for me to not be upset that the “game-changing” parenting technique won’t work for us, and that the technique is only actually something that can be used with kids that can speak.  It is devastating to me that the “miracle cure” actually just makes my son worse and our family even crazier.  I love giving advice, I love learning new things, and I enjoy getting new opinions.  But I don’t know how to reconcile these “I” things with how I can cope when they all roll in together and break my heart just a little more. 

Sometimes, it feels like I keep opening the chocolate bar and peeking at the golden ticket only to turn it in and realize that I’m not allowed into the chocolate factory.  I try and see the blessings in not being admitted.  Too much chocolate is bad for you, the weather is nice here outside the factory, and too many sweets could give me a stomachache, whatever.  I see the beauty and delicious joy of what is in front of me.  But I struggle with still looking for the ticket, and hoping it might help.  And I struggle with making sure I’m doing everything I can to get a ticket, or to improve our odds, or not miss the “thing” that will be what makes a difference. 

However, I know that too much time spent looking outside and looking for something else can end up cheating you of the experience right in front of you.  After all, Charlie really missed his family when he was at the chocolate factory.  And I can’t be two people.  And in the end, the ocean is really lovely so who cares anyhow?

 

Any followers?

Anyone back there???

Last week I posted a little discussion on leadership, so this week I thought it would be appropriate to discuss how to get people to follow you.  I'm basing this advice on my experience as a human being and what I've observed over the last ehhhhh 20 plus years.  

Being a parent puts you in a prime position to re-evaluate the human experience. You get to see life play out through the eyes of your beloved child.  It also allows you the opportunity to dig back up old memories of experiences you had as a child and see them in a light that is quite a bit different with a few more miles on your tires.   And finally, parenthood requires that you get independent beings to go along with what you want them to do despite the fact that they really do not want to.  So I was thinking on how you could extrapolate what you do as a parent to get your toddler to follow you and tweak these approaches to be appropriate for adults.  Lets see if this will work....

• The treat trail

• Often times, I have employed (rather effectively) the use of a treat in order to get my kids to follow me.  (To you judgers out there; judge away HERE---it's effective though).  In a way, this trailing of treats, or promising of treats is employed often in marriages, friendships, even in work.  
• EX:   Spoken by a spouse...."IF you do X (wash my car)  you will get Y (extra time to watch "Breaking Bad")"
• EX:  In working eenvironments..."Join us for an incredibly mind-numbing conference in LAS VEGAS and we'll pay for tons of entertainment and give you free stuff.

• Volume Control

• I love to sing, and my extensive karaoke experience has taught me that the use of volume can make all the difference when making music.  This is true too in your common conversation, and is an especially effective tool in trying to get people to pay attention to you.  With kids, you will often see parents employing the use of LOUD volume (a.k.a. yelling) to get the attention of their little darlings.  I've found that in the proper circumstance, speaking softly, but clearly, can also help you to garner the attention of a crowd.  
• Caveat:  Do not try this with a lot of extroverts that are drinking, they will be happy to speak right over your clever little quiet offering. 

• Hostage Hold

• If you have something people want, they will be more likely to listen to you or to follow you.  For instance, if I took your phone and put it in my office, I'd probably be seeing you in there pretty soon.  While small time thievery is likely not a great start to coercing someone to do something, it will get feet in the seats.  In our day to day home routine, shoes are put on in the car.    "Meet me in the car and we'll put on your shoes"  is a common chorus during mornings where we were supposed to be out the door 5 minutes ago.  Shoes are nice.  They cover your feet and allow you to be comfortable walking outside.  You kinda need them.  Therefore, you're probably going to get to the car a bit sooner than if we tried to put them on in your room, where you're surrounded by toys that you love and really want to play with RIGHT NOW instead of going to school.   

• This method can be utilized in a different way for adults by simply drowning out as many distractions as you possibly can.  On nights when I get an opportunity to go on a date with my spouse, if I am looking to have a conversation, I'm not going to the OC Fair.  I'm not going to a sports bar or any vortex of stimulation.  Because, if I want your attention, it will be a lot easier for me to get it if I'm not competing with anything.  On one of our first dates, my husband took me out on an electric boat ride in the harbor.  Because, he knew, he kind of wanted all of my attention and didn't want to have to compete for it.  And it wasn't until we were out there that I realized that I allowed this guy to take me hostage (in a good way, not a controversial one) and that it was pretty nice to just be together with him. 

 

 So if you want to get someone to follow you, or to be a part of your gang, try these things.  They may improve your outcomes or at least cause others to take notice that you have they're missing their shoes and phone.

 

How do you Lead?

image source: http://www.afs.org/blog/icl/?p=2824  

How do you lead?

By example?
By cajoling?
Haphazardly?  Accidentally?  
Do you shake off leadership like a person trying to run from a stray dog in Mexico?  Are your hands up and out in front of you waving in counter motion while your face reflects a sucked lemon expression?  Do you prefer to be led?  Are you hopelessly, obsessively, IN CHARGE of everything?  If so - are you unable to hear the pleas of those around you begging to be heard?

I've had plenty of bouts with leadership, and I readily admit that I've been all of these leaders.  I've been the person IN CHARGE when no one else wanted to be.  I've been the leader because of my qualifications -both real and perceived- and I've also been the leader as a result of the power combo: a habitual controlling nature and a pursuit of doing a million tasks at one time while juggling crystal vases.   
  
My favorite way to lead is by building consensus.  It is completely within my comfort zone and works well with the way I like to deal with people, but of course is tremendously flawed in certain situations.  Great for leading a girls night out, terrible in crisis.  I don't mind being in charge, and I'm sure my husband would gladly inform you of the ways in which I'm a bit of a power-monger. However, leading by consensus typically works well for me because it allows the opportunity for a group to participate in the decision-making process, which often times leads to greater engagement in the outcome.  

Leadership is important, and it is unique.  So, who are some of your favorite leaders?  What do they do well?  What can you emulate?  Because whether you are an active or a passive participant, you're leading in your own way.  Are you doing it with intention?  In what ways are you a terrific leader and in what ways could you improve?    

Are you a Rosa Parks?  A Jane Adams?  A Martha Stewart?  These are three of the names on the list of "The 25 Most Powerful Women in the Last Century"by Time Magazine. Take a look and find some inspiration by clicking on this link:  http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2029774_2029776,00.html

Or, take your research a little closer to home.  Whatever you decide to do, whether it be to lead or to joyfully participate, think about it a little bit.  Then get back to juggling your vases. 

The story

I love stories.  I love a plot twist, a drama, a tall tale, even a parable.  I crave the sated feeling of a story’s conclusion.  My behavior has turned from carefree to controlling in my parenting years, and to be fair, I likely wasn’t as carefree as I’d like to remember myself prior to having kids.  This obsession I have with control has become somewhat necessary with my son’s autism, but I’m beginning to realize there are some hidden dangers in trying to control everything.  

The increasing pursuit of control leads to an inevitable rise in frustration.  Because, most things you actually can’t control.  You can’t control kids.  You can’t control life.  You can’t control autism.  So when I look at the picture above, this rare moment of my son with his adorable smile, showing me that there IS a story behind his eyes, reminding me that there IS an actual person inside his body - a being with personality, with a sense of humor, with an opinion and a mind and a story to tell - I feel a small release in the control engine.  I feel my foot slipping from the pedal, to allow room for my son to choose the next move.  And this silly, blurry moment, captured after so many failed trials, reminds me to try and be less controlling, to be silent and listen to the story he’s trying to tell.  Everyone has a story.  And everyone has a right to tell their own story.  I just hope I can change my behavior so that my son won’t have to SCREAM his story out because I’m trying to control the plot development.   I will do my very best to mother this child, but I’ve finally begun to realize that he doesn’t need me to tell his story for him.  He has a story that will be his own if I can just get out of his way.  He’ll need support, structure, and a team that refuses to quit.  But, he’ll also need the space to tell his own tale.  

That’s where we are this summer.  Maybe it just takes me a bit longer to figure out the mothering thing, or to let go enough to allow beautiful things to happen.  I know that there was definitely a period of time where the control, the intervention and constant redirection was necessary.  But now, 3 to 4 years later, after some measured progress, I’m realizing that I still have a 7 year old son.  Though he may not be exactly like every other 7 year olds; he is still a growing person who has much to share.  I look forward to quieting down and listening when he’s ready to tell us his tale.

Psychic Reading

Last night, at the county fair, I got a bad psychic reading.  This was the second time I had ever sat with a psychic and I am pretty confided it was the last.  What she told me was upsetting and has been niggling under my skin, flipping my stomach and downright bugging me since.   

The way I look at it, I have two choices: 

1.       Throw myself into an existential crisis (very tempting, but possibly expensive and annoying to friends and family)

2.       Create my own reading

I’m going with number 2.  I believe in God, I believe in energy and I believe in the power of positive thinking.  I believe that our past does not define us; and that every day there are thousands of opportunities to change our own lives and the lives of others in ways that are small and in ways that are magnificent.   With that in mind, here is what I think lies ahead:

You will have a terrific marriage.  Your children know they are loved and will lead healthy, happy lives.  You will never stop fighting to find a way to help your son with his autism and everything you are doing makes a difference in his life.  People love you and think you’re great.  Your kindness to others does not go unnoticed and what you are contributing to your family matters a great deal.  Continue to be a loving friend and creative person.  Your friends and family will all be healthy and prosperous and you will live in a world of rainbows and flowers for the rest of your days – Enjoy!  

I’d like to add in that I will….. become a talk show host / singer / motivational speaker and make millions of dollars,  and be able to eat chicken strips and French fries and never gain weight, and travel the world luxuriously and extensively…..but that would simply be TOO unrealistic.  Because psychics at the fair are ENTIRELY realistic.

My lesson here?  Maybe instead of looking to be told what will be, I can dedicate my energies to what I would like to be.  I can focus on what I know is true and go from there.  And I can walk around under the assumption that things are going to turn out okay.