Terrorizing Toddler

Q: I've been running around with a group of mommies/kids for about 2 1/2 years now. One boy in the group has always displayed rough and aggressive behavior, but now that he's almost 3 1/2, it's starting to be less age-appropriate and a little scary because he's getting big enough to do some real damage (property and bodies). The parents are very laissez-faire and do not provide boundaries/limits for the child. And it's getting a little out of control. I have been avoiding the family as much as I can, but it's complicated because this family lives right down the street, so I can only avoid invites to take the kids on a walk for so long, ya know? Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation? Do I confront the parents? Do I discipline the child? Or do I just concentrate on teaching my own child on how to deal with these situations?

A: Parenthood is quite the social adventure. It will drag you through the STRANGEST and most uncomfortable alleyways! In this case, it's dragged you down the street, into the home and heart of your dear mommy friend and let's face it, you REALLY don't want to be there. I'm pretty sure there is no perfect way to handle this situation, but if you can approach it with an honest, open heart and a lot of humility, you've got a good shot at achieving the best results.

The next time you are in contact with the little bully and you witness behavior that you think is unacceptable that is directed toward your child or property, I wold use the " Our house, our rules" approach. Say something like: "Oh, no little one, we don't allow XYZ behavior in our house. " And then try to redirect the child to an acceptable, less harmful activity - bubbles maybe? Then, I'd tell the parent, "I am sorry if I'm stepping on your toes, I'm trying to work on XYZ behavior with my child." If the mom is receptive to your discipline, then I'd keep it up as long as it is comfortable. If not, ask her if she'd prefer to have you grab her to intervene if something occurs again. I think honesty, kindness, and patience are the qualities you should lead with and hopefully you guys can come to an understanding. The important thing is that you protect your child's environment AND hopefully are able to play peacefully with this friend. If you try this a few times and it isn't taking, I'd have a talk with the mom. Maybe ask her to help you protect your little one from her "big" guy. I've found that when you phrase something as a request for help, the person you're speaking to is a lot more likely to acquiesce. Maybe you'll talk with the mom and find out that there is something else going on with her child or even in her life, and that she would be grateful to have another source work on discipline with her child. I used to think it would really bother me to have someone discipline my child. Then, I had 2 toddlers and realized, sometimes they realize they've got you on the run, and simply will not listen to you. An outside voice of authority can be welcome when your kid is tearing apart a grocery store.

Here are a few other ideas to help facilitate peaceful play:

*Try to create a jumping game or obstacle course for the kids. This could help the aggressive one get out some major energy without having physical contact with the kids.

*Create a pretend game where everyone tries to make animal noises or play freeze dancing. Again, independent and energy consuming.

I hope this ends up with your children all being able to play together peacefully! If not, you may need to find some new friends to play with. Though this would certainly be the worst case scenario, you must remember, your child is going to have a LOT of different friends throughout his or her life. If you miss out on a few activities now, I am SURE you can make up for it when he or she is sixteen by having a monthly sleepover party at your house :).