What NOT to do when you're headed to Lake Powell

We are back.  We have actually been back from our Lake Powell house boating adventure for a while, but things seem to have quieted down enough to dash off this blog post that will no doubt change your entire......next five minutes :).  I hope you laugh (or at least consider it) and feel more prepared at the end.

Our family and 3 other families made the trek to Lake Powell (on the Arizona/ Utah border) for our first annual "Trip of a Lifetime" house boating adventure.  Among us, I think there were 2 adult house boating novices.  The balance of the adult population had varying levels of experience.  On my last house boating adventure I accidentally roofied myself by drinking liquid from a water bottle that was not in fact water.  The memories were fun, but are not filed in the kid-friendly drawer.  4 of the adults had a tremendous amount of house boating experience, as kids, as college aged hooligans, and as adults.  But the group itself had never all traveled together.  The outcome was pretty incredible considering there was a large chance we could have ended up making Anasazi voodoo dolls of one another by the end.

But who has the time to hear about every detail?  There is a reason you don't live in my brain. It's cluttered, fast paced, and achingly detail-oriented (I could probably stretch a 30 second anecdote into a novel) but I digress.....

Here are the top 3 things you should NOT do in preparation for and during your Lake Powell house boating trip:

1.  Pack a lot of clothes.
Yes, I realize if you have followed this blog, that I JUST SAID last time I wasn't going to do this, but guess what???  I totally did it anyhow.  I brought a weekender bag and a beach bag filled with at least 50 items I did not need.  Including:

• 2 sweatshirts - HA HA HA- it was 90 degrees at night.  Unless you are looking to dehydrate yourself to beef jerky level, leave these at home.  I know, everyone says that, but seriously, don't bring them.
• Workout Clothes.  If you are going to hike (which I would have done if I had planned to go beyond beef jerky to crystallized salt in that heat) you'll likely be doing it in your swimsuit.  I know, I know, we all said it before too "I am JUST not the type to walk around in my swimsuit, that is so so sooooo not me."  Well guess what?  You will.  You totally will.  Because you'll be out in the desert and with your family and friends and you really won't care.  Because you'll be empowered by the fact that it IS HOT and if one of the other husbands is checking you out, that is just plain weird.
• More than 2 outfits for a 5 day trip.  You will wear your swimsuit all day (and will probably go jump in the lake at night right before bed to cool down).  You will not be wearing clothes often.  Lake Powell apparently is the clothing vortex

2. Bring a ton of food.
Again, I am a total hypocrite.  My obsession with being prepared added on approximately 17 hours to my trip in the time it took to shop for the additional unnecessary food, pack it up, unpack it on the boat, and pack it back home.  My husband really is just the LUCKIEST :)!  Ooopsie, didn't realize my family wasn't going to turn into snack monsters on vacation.  It's hot.  You're force feeding your kids water and things that are hydrating, not salty pretzels.  They also aren't hungry because they are kind of dehydrated.

3. Have a bad attitude.
This one was hard for me, I really struggled on this vacation at the beginning.  It is totally out of my comfort zone, and wasn't under my control (compounding the anxiety / comfort-zone cycle) and it wasn't an easy start for our Autistic son.  I thought I was gracefully suffering in silence until my husband delicately alerted me to the fact that I definitely was not.  The vacation was an adventure and we truly were away from it all (meaning there was no way we were going back to the creature comforts and familiarity I was missing).  So there was nothing left to do but relax, try to go with the flow, and have fun where and when you can. 

Next time I will be better.  I learned a lot on this trip.  Not only about silly details of how to pack, but more about how to be a better mom on vacation.  And I had a chance to realize that my kids may not always need the mom that is prepared and providing for their every need at every moment - they may need a mom who can have fun and just be with them.  Without a sweatshirt and an agenda.

Success after 3 days- our son in the water and seeming to have fun

Make ROOM

Today is the last day of school for most kids in our area.  We are at the summer starting line, waiting for the signal to hurry up and relax.  My brain is on a constant loop of " School's Out for Summer", "Summer Lovin''" and another song that I've been sinking into lately; " A Life That's Good" by Lennon and Maisy from the cast of the show "Nashville".

A few weeks ago at our church, the pastor was discussing social media and the reality that much of life is spent on our phones.  What resonated the most with me, was the concept of allowing for margin in our crazed, busy, instant download lives. 

MARGIN: a limit in condition, capacity, etc., beyond or below which something ceases to exist, be desirable, or be possible (www.dictionary.com)

When I pack, I see just how much I can fit into whatever carrier I have.  I carry large bags around and always find a way to fill them.  As a child, I was pretty committed to wearing a purse, in the event that something might occur and I might have the occasion to use whatever mish-mash of goodies I had toted along with me (thus affirming my insistence on carrying a purse).  When I create documents, I use the custom margin to fit as much on the page as I can. 

I like to be prepared.  I get more disappointed about finding myself in a situation without the hat/accessory/blouse/note/band-aid/etc. that might have come in handy than I do about things of FAR greater importance.   But this preparedness obsession in combination with my over-planning and over-packing tendencies are not leading away from having any margin.

Example:  
1. You spend a ton of time preparing (packing, pinterest-ing, planning).  Then you arrive at said moment where previous actions are useful.  
2. Before moment is over and often throughout the moment, you think of other things you might have done to be more prepared, and/or begin re-arranging or re-packing all of the "necessities" you brought. 
3. Conclusion:  You have spent more time preparing than living and enjoying.  Oops.

So this summer season, I am going to try and leave room.  For margin.  It will be difficult to be at peace with no plans.  I'll have more opportunities to let go of the fact that I don't have a kite or the perfect beach towel or the shimmery sunblock or that one beach toy that the kids love.  But my hope is that in the margin, blessed surprises fill in the spaces.  Moments of clarity, impromptu swim time with the kids, or a conversation with my child or a friend or my spouse.  Who knows?  I'm going to try it and hope you will too.

Here is the Lennon and Maisy song....hope it sets you off on a day that's good!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3wF_N2WdP4

I am Changing

Cue the following song as I talk about it...

Jennifer Hudson - I am Changing

It was my birthday last week, and I had the random opportunity to come across the following TED talk.  

https://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_you_are_always_changing

Essentially, the speaker Dan Gilbert shares that:

 

"Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they're finished." Dan Gilbert shares recent research on a phenomenon he calls the "end of history illusion," where we somehow imagine that the person we are right now is the person we'll be for the rest of time."(Source: www.ted.com)

This truth is one that I find to be incredibly enlightening and fantastically well timed.  After the ten year anniversary of my 25th birthday, I absolutely know a mountain's worth more.  However, what I wasn't considering is the reality that what I thought was important, that who I perceived myself to be and what my preferences were ten years ago would change as much as they have.

I love Dr. Gilbert's use of the "end of history illusion" the idea that who we are today is who we always will be.  In reaching my mid thirties, I accept that I have changed, my life has changed and that my preferences have changed, but in seeing this talk, I am reminded that I must also acknowledge that this will continue to happen, throughout time, until I die.

Here is a quick for instance:  On vacation last week, I was thinking about what I might like to do on my 40th birthday (have I mentioned that I suffer from chronic over-planning syndrome?  It is a syndrome that is synonymous with crazy and controlling).  I started to daydream about destinations for the celebraiton, who would be there, and of course, what I might be wearing. I began a mental pencil sketch of possible themed activities for the bash.  Then, in  a moment of clarity, I realized that where and how I celebrated my 35th birthday would have been pretty un-imaginable for me as my 30 year old self.  5 years ago I had no interest in surfing, and what I liked to do to celebrate was similar, but different than it is now.  

As scary as it is to beleive that we are always changing, I think it is scarier to beleive that we are not.  And today, I take comfort in the thought that what I will want to do, what my interests are, the things I know how to do will have grown and changed into something different then what they are today.  I used to tell people:

"I am not where I thought I would be but I think I'm where I am supposed to be" 

when describing my life.  And as I said it, I'd say it with a big smile covering up an obvious presence of disappointment.  And now, I think I'm beginning to understand:  

" I'm here!  And I don't know where I might be going - but I'm going to love it when I get there."

So hooray for change.  Hooray for Jennifer Hudson.  And Hooray for fun Ted talks. 

Joy Theif - a holiday wrap up and reminder for the new year

You know her.  She's like the Phantom in "Phantom of the Opera"

She lurks in the corners of your mouth, waiting to pop out in frenzied, holiday-riddled conversations.  She's the Joy Thief.  Waiting to suck the joy out of Christmas and all the things that go with it.  She compares what others are giving their children, what others are giving or receiving from their spouses, which holiday cards are nicer, who got their cards out first, whose cards are handwritten, and which cards have typos.  She measures teacher gifts against gifts for neighbors, and instead of investing in admiration for the talents of those around her, she guides you to see what isn't there.  Maybe she is the voice of my mother or my seventh-grade-self.  Maybe she's me just with more holiday caffeine and10,000 sugar cookies.Maybe she's the one who morphs my awesome brand of kooky, creative, unpredictable, type-A-ness into a sadistic devil tounged cranky pants.  Who she is or where she comes from isn't very important.  This year I decided; after one particularly fantastic holiday party with incredible women; that I really don't like the Joy Thief and that I needed to be intentional about locking her out of my mind (and mouth). 

This last holiday season, I tried to focus on praise and admiration for the incredible women, men and children in my life, rather than allowing my thoughts to focus on jealousy and feeling less than.  Rather than allowing the dialog of ''Ugh, how did s/he/it DO all of that?" I tried to celebrate those that did and praise them for it.  I'm lucky enough to have a life where I often encounter people doing inspiring and incredible things.  Why not focus on praise? 

Please note the use of the word "tried". 

 Of course there were moments of feeling overwhelmed with what I hadn't done, or comparing myself against others.  But I'm trying to be aware of what I don't want and at least that is a step in the right direction!   With autism, I have heard moms and speakers and writers re-iterate the importance of not comparing your special-needs child to other children.  They are constantly encouraging parents to focus on the milestones you hit, on the things you can achieve, to focus on what is, rather than seeing all that isn't.  One mom told me: "Don't let anyone steal your joy." 

The good times are ours and are meant to be celebrated.  

 I suppose that realization grew on me, and crept into this other corner of my life, the one where I'm simply a woman trying to figure out how to be the best person I can be, and realized that this advice applied in my mom/friend/wife/sister/daughter life too.  I hope I'm able to continue with locking out the Joy Thief.  Will you help me out by being my alarm system??? 

Rambling on Sandcastles and Golden Tickets

On Monday, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.  I received word that a schedule was changing and that there was nothing I could do about it and the change negatively affects our son.

On Tuesday, I woke up, and realized I was being a total baby, bratty, emotional, overly-obsessive mom the day before, and had the opportunity to see this…..

                                               

While checking out the remains of the local sandcastle contest.  I’m just going to say, it’s pretty cool (and a little crazy if you want to take a step back and get some perspective) to live in an area where they have sandcastle contests.  For adults.  For real.

                                             

Flash to the meeting I went to on Tuesday morning, moments after the… incredible beach walk and sandcastle remnant appreciation, birds singing, flowers blooming, lovers loving observation…..and an hour later I’m in a puddle again.  Of my own tears, that literally, are bursting out of my eyes, and showering down from the dark cloud of pre-tornado winds that have formed above my head.  My head that knows better, my head that has a brain and a spirit that is desperately trying to remain aware (and hopefully grateful) of how fortunate I am. 

There are silly days, there are wonderful days, and sometimes there are dodge-it days where I try to run, jump or hide from the bummer news hurled in my direction.  I know in my heart that I can’t let a parenting expert with a well-meaning recommendation get me down.  I know I can’t expect everyone to understand what is going on in my life, and I know that sometimes I just need to relax and accept that what is happening is temporary.  But it’s still hard.  Even with all the blessings, it’s still hard for me to not be upset that the “game-changing” parenting technique won’t work for us, and that the technique is only actually something that can be used with kids that can speak.  It is devastating to me that the “miracle cure” actually just makes my son worse and our family even crazier.  I love giving advice, I love learning new things, and I enjoy getting new opinions.  But I don’t know how to reconcile these “I” things with how I can cope when they all roll in together and break my heart just a little more. 

Sometimes, it feels like I keep opening the chocolate bar and peeking at the golden ticket only to turn it in and realize that I’m not allowed into the chocolate factory.  I try and see the blessings in not being admitted.  Too much chocolate is bad for you, the weather is nice here outside the factory, and too many sweets could give me a stomachache, whatever.  I see the beauty and delicious joy of what is in front of me.  But I struggle with still looking for the ticket, and hoping it might help.  And I struggle with making sure I’m doing everything I can to get a ticket, or to improve our odds, or not miss the “thing” that will be what makes a difference. 

However, I know that too much time spent looking outside and looking for something else can end up cheating you of the experience right in front of you.  After all, Charlie really missed his family when he was at the chocolate factory.  And I can’t be two people.  And in the end, the ocean is really lovely so who cares anyhow?

 

Any followers?

Anyone back there???

Last week I posted a little discussion on leadership, so this week I thought it would be appropriate to discuss how to get people to follow you.  I'm basing this advice on my experience as a human being and what I've observed over the last ehhhhh 20 plus years.  

Being a parent puts you in a prime position to re-evaluate the human experience. You get to see life play out through the eyes of your beloved child.  It also allows you the opportunity to dig back up old memories of experiences you had as a child and see them in a light that is quite a bit different with a few more miles on your tires.   And finally, parenthood requires that you get independent beings to go along with what you want them to do despite the fact that they really do not want to.  So I was thinking on how you could extrapolate what you do as a parent to get your toddler to follow you and tweak these approaches to be appropriate for adults.  Lets see if this will work....

• The treat trail

• Often times, I have employed (rather effectively) the use of a treat in order to get my kids to follow me.  (To you judgers out there; judge away HERE---it's effective though).  In a way, this trailing of treats, or promising of treats is employed often in marriages, friendships, even in work.  
• EX:   Spoken by a spouse...."IF you do X (wash my car)  you will get Y (extra time to watch "Breaking Bad")"
• EX:  In working eenvironments..."Join us for an incredibly mind-numbing conference in LAS VEGAS and we'll pay for tons of entertainment and give you free stuff.

• Volume Control

• I love to sing, and my extensive karaoke experience has taught me that the use of volume can make all the difference when making music.  This is true too in your common conversation, and is an especially effective tool in trying to get people to pay attention to you.  With kids, you will often see parents employing the use of LOUD volume (a.k.a. yelling) to get the attention of their little darlings.  I've found that in the proper circumstance, speaking softly, but clearly, can also help you to garner the attention of a crowd.  
• Caveat:  Do not try this with a lot of extroverts that are drinking, they will be happy to speak right over your clever little quiet offering. 

• Hostage Hold

• If you have something people want, they will be more likely to listen to you or to follow you.  For instance, if I took your phone and put it in my office, I'd probably be seeing you in there pretty soon.  While small time thievery is likely not a great start to coercing someone to do something, it will get feet in the seats.  In our day to day home routine, shoes are put on in the car.    "Meet me in the car and we'll put on your shoes"  is a common chorus during mornings where we were supposed to be out the door 5 minutes ago.  Shoes are nice.  They cover your feet and allow you to be comfortable walking outside.  You kinda need them.  Therefore, you're probably going to get to the car a bit sooner than if we tried to put them on in your room, where you're surrounded by toys that you love and really want to play with RIGHT NOW instead of going to school.   

• This method can be utilized in a different way for adults by simply drowning out as many distractions as you possibly can.  On nights when I get an opportunity to go on a date with my spouse, if I am looking to have a conversation, I'm not going to the OC Fair.  I'm not going to a sports bar or any vortex of stimulation.  Because, if I want your attention, it will be a lot easier for me to get it if I'm not competing with anything.  On one of our first dates, my husband took me out on an electric boat ride in the harbor.  Because, he knew, he kind of wanted all of my attention and didn't want to have to compete for it.  And it wasn't until we were out there that I realized that I allowed this guy to take me hostage (in a good way, not a controversial one) and that it was pretty nice to just be together with him. 

 

 So if you want to get someone to follow you, or to be a part of your gang, try these things.  They may improve your outcomes or at least cause others to take notice that you have they're missing their shoes and phone.

 

How do you Lead?

image source: http://www.afs.org/blog/icl/?p=2824  

How do you lead?

By example?
By cajoling?
Haphazardly?  Accidentally?  
Do you shake off leadership like a person trying to run from a stray dog in Mexico?  Are your hands up and out in front of you waving in counter motion while your face reflects a sucked lemon expression?  Do you prefer to be led?  Are you hopelessly, obsessively, IN CHARGE of everything?  If so - are you unable to hear the pleas of those around you begging to be heard?

I've had plenty of bouts with leadership, and I readily admit that I've been all of these leaders.  I've been the person IN CHARGE when no one else wanted to be.  I've been the leader because of my qualifications -both real and perceived- and I've also been the leader as a result of the power combo: a habitual controlling nature and a pursuit of doing a million tasks at one time while juggling crystal vases.   
  
My favorite way to lead is by building consensus.  It is completely within my comfort zone and works well with the way I like to deal with people, but of course is tremendously flawed in certain situations.  Great for leading a girls night out, terrible in crisis.  I don't mind being in charge, and I'm sure my husband would gladly inform you of the ways in which I'm a bit of a power-monger. However, leading by consensus typically works well for me because it allows the opportunity for a group to participate in the decision-making process, which often times leads to greater engagement in the outcome.  

Leadership is important, and it is unique.  So, who are some of your favorite leaders?  What do they do well?  What can you emulate?  Because whether you are an active or a passive participant, you're leading in your own way.  Are you doing it with intention?  In what ways are you a terrific leader and in what ways could you improve?    

Are you a Rosa Parks?  A Jane Adams?  A Martha Stewart?  These are three of the names on the list of "The 25 Most Powerful Women in the Last Century"by Time Magazine. Take a look and find some inspiration by clicking on this link:  http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2029774_2029776,00.html

Or, take your research a little closer to home.  Whatever you decide to do, whether it be to lead or to joyfully participate, think about it a little bit.  Then get back to juggling your vases.