The table

 

The day started in tears.

 

The hollow hurt was there first thing.  My heart heavy.  

I’m too old for this! This is so embarrassing that I’m so upset, and a litany of other thoughts flew into my mind.  I flashed to the moment yesterday where I saw a long line of ladies parade into the bar, coming from an event I was not invited to.  Watching them finishing up a celebration with a few glasses of vino before heading home.  And the hard reality of realizing you were not the list, and you probably haven’t been on the list for a while.  

It’s not the first time.  It cuts deeper this time as there were quite a few faces you thought were closer to.  And then, you realize, they are showing you the truth that you were ignoring.  You’re not friends.  You’re associates.  Or people who know each other.  Neighbors.  That chapter has been over on their side for a while, and now, it is over on yours. 

The time and energy spent to make the relationship, keep it going, feed it with attention, texts, dinner parties, birthday parties, showers, cards, thoughtful connections, trips.  That was all a waste of your time.  You kind of knew it when it was happening.  You knew you were giving more, that it was uneven, but you rationalized: “I have capacity” “This is who I am”  “ I can give, so I do”  and then when the tables are turned, there is no seat for you there.  You’re not on the list. 

Not everyone can be invited to everything.  I have been on the other side of this coin as well.

It’s fine

I hope they had fun

But the truth that you can learn now or later is that you’re not on their list.  They were on yours.  And so the list must be edited on your end too.