Things I don't post on facebook...

A discussion on “authenticity” in the age of social networking.

Yes, I am doing this on my blog….IRONY!!

So I woke up Sunday morning, padded softly into my son’s room, and smelled the pungent stench of poop. The room was covered in poop, and so was my son. His beloved blankey, was not innocent in the hailstorm of excrement either. My first thought?

“I should seriously post this on facebook”.

I post adorable pictures of my two little angels. I don’t typically rant, or share thoughts or comment on the weather / traffic / state of political affairs / or much else. Nope, I save that for my blog, or a phone conversation with a friend. On facebook, as on my annual Christmas card, my life is full of love and adorable, even “SO cute” moments. It is not covered in poop. No, my REAL life, my authentic life is quite often covered in poop, milk, cereal, scratches and bacon grease. In this age of authenticity, transparency, are we all just becoming less real? If we pour our time, energy, mantras, thoughts all into these image producing, social sharing outlets, how does that affect who we truly are and how our lives really work?

I am all for privacy. I grew up in an arguably very WASP-y environment, my mother was all about image, and what people thought of us. She was an interior decorator, and constantly struggled to keep our home at a “model home” level of perfection. She was pleased when we emulated that level of order and type, and furious when we were too authentic. I struggle with this all the time. Deep down, I still strive to be perfect, and authentic. To create order, and peace, harmony, love, style, originality, humor, and a great canapé. But where is the line? I don’t think it’s possible to achieve all of the listed goals at once, if at all (note: my canapés are constantly soggy – boo freakin’ hoo). And is all of it really important anyhow? I don’t know, but I do think, every once in a while you have to share the moments that are real, so that when they happen to someone else, that person a: doesn’t think they’re crazy and b: can call you to find out the best method for chipping excrement out of a bed frame.

The miracle

I have heard it said that the experience of being pregnant is the closest that a human being can ever come to being a part of a miracle. When I think about how incredible it is that cells get together, multiply and divide and ultimately create a human baby with every cell doing just what it is supposed to do - in typical cases - then it is hard to disagree. However, after the parenting day I have had so far (and it is only 3pm) I would like to propose that love is the closest we can come to being a part of a miracle.

Loving your children, your spouse, your FAMILY, or even your friends in spite of all of the trials, hurts, behavior problems, mistakes, unkind words or disconnects you may have; to me, is truly miraculous. At church a few weeks ago, the speaker said that in couples therapy appointments, when one member of a couple can say " You are still the one I want to be with" then, he knows he is on the path towards healing with a couple. As a parent, my love for my children has certainly been tested, but of course always wins. As hard as it is to give them my very best all of the time, my love for them is greater than I ever could have imagined before they came into my life.

When you consider Love, you have to recognize the miraculous forms of it. It calls us to be the very best versions of ourselves. It draws us together to build families and communities. It allows us to be charitable to one another and to see each other in the best light possible. It compels us to do things we never thought we would do or could do. Though being pregnant was certainly incredible on an emotional, scientific, and spiritual level, I still think love brings me a lot closer to the miraculous.

Fancy Pants

I love getting dressed up. Costume parties, formal events, or just getting ready for a date night all make me excited and cause me to dedicate a few minutes to composing an ensemble. So why in the world did I end up spending a whole bunch of money I didn't need to for a formal event a few weekends ago??? In a rush to find the "perfect" outfit, I purchased a number of items I really didn't need. Sound familiar?? Yeah, I thought so. Who hasn't dashed out for the final finishing touches to an outfit the day of an event, only to bring their new items home and realize they already had something pretty similar in their closet?

So here is what I am going to do next time:

First, I am going to mine the closets of my friends and family (you know who you are, so watch out!!!). Right after I had purchased my new dress, I went over to my sister's house. My sister has about 10 dresses that I could have worn (for FREE) and had just as much fun in.

Second, I am going to mine closets for shoes and handbags. The day of the fun event, I felt I NEEDED to purchase a clutch bag to go with my new dress. Yes, I was at the necessity stage in my frenzied retail hunt. I finally found somehting that I thought I had to have, only to bring it home and realize that the clutch bags I already had actually would have worked better. UGH. Out of pride, I still used the new bag, so if anyone needs to borrow a white clutch, you know who to call. Shoes and bags are a LOT easier to borrow than dresses. And, it seems pretty rare that you need a fancy handbag. You want one to look nice, and compliment your entire outfit, but the number of times it is actually used seems like a pretty low number.

Third, I am going to try and give myself a deadline for these events! No more second guessing!!!! Sure, I'm in posession of another dress and new handbag due to my second guessing, but looking back, I would have looked just fine in one of my original options. My last minute panic that I was going to look like a bag lady next to everyone else was just fueled by insecurity -not reality. And a new dress, while a temporary fix to some levels of insecurity, is going to be an expensive way to keep my confidence up!!

The Answers

Have you ever continued to ask the same question over and over again, only to find that you don't like the answers you get? That has been happening to me quite a bit lately. When I first had my second child, I kept asking other moms with kids close in age

"It will get easier - right?"

And pretty unanimously, they would respond (with varying levels of sensitivity):

"No."



or: "You're in the easy part. It will get harder before it gets easier, so enjoy what you have in this moment. "



and: "It will get easier.....in like, 2 years."

I kept searching for the answer I wanted, and continued to get the answer that was correct instead. I attended a parenting meeting last Friday, looking for more answers. It was a typical parenting meeting; depressing, enlightening, scary, and confusing with random nuggets of information that were helpful. One of the "experts" speaking to us parents shared a nugget of information that I found to be inspirational.

He told us that the top athletes understand 3 keys to success:

1. Understand what needs to be done
We may not want to do it, but understanding what needs to be done, educating ourselves so that we are able to understand the tasks at hand, or working with the right people to direct us to the right tasks is the first step.

2. Be persistent

3. Have Endurance

While these simple instructions weren't what I necessarily wanted to hear, I think they were probably what I needed to hear. Realizing that challenges, no matter what they are, can be met with such a simple formula allowed me to feel a little more confident in addressing the tough roads ahead. Sure, I may be pushing boulders uphill in order to achieve the things I need to achieve, but at least having faith that I am doing the right things to get where I need to go afforded me a little freedom from wasting time second-guessing my methods.

My question, the one I've been asking over and over again:

"Am I doing this right?"

In a sense, was answered. In order to get the results you desire, follow the three steps. I may look back on this later and regret the time I've spent relishing this oversimplification, but for right now, for the challenges I'm working on, this answer FINALLY seems right. And manageable. So if nothing else, I hope this helps you simplify and feel peace about your challenges too.

Autism Awareness

April is Autism Awareness month. I don't know how long this has been the case, since this is the first year I realized there was an Autism Awareness month. My education on, in, and about Autism is constantly evolving, and this year is the first year I was "aware" of the "awareness" occurring throughout the month of April. There have been some phenomenal television shows, news specials, and print news media pieces discussing Autism and attempting to shed some light on this growing epidemic that is so incredibly enigmatic.

I've been a parent for 4 1/2 years now, but only a part of the Autism community for a little more than 1 1/2 years. There is so much I don't know about this disorder, but since I am trying to use this blog to give advice, I thought I'd take this opportunity to share a few things I have found helpful as a parent of a child with Autism.

Every individual with Autism is different. The condition manifests itself in a myriad of ways and the medical community is continuously struggling with how to define Autism Spectrum Disorders. In an attempt to share some information about a topic that is growing to affect a larger and larger portion of the population, I thought I would list some quick facts about Autism that I have learned in my brief and muddled education......

*Autism is a neurological disorder. If you see kids screaming out, spinning around in circles, flapping their hands, chewing on things that are not edible, behaving like maniacs, or acting completely out of control, try your very best not to judge. You really never know the whole story from the outside. If you feel compelled, offer to help. If the parent snaps at you, please try to show a little grace and remember the end of the previous sentence :). Remember, the children you see exhibiting this behavior have a neurological disorder. Their brains do not function in the same way other brains do.

*People with Autism can range in ability from being mentally retarded to being geniuses. As more and more therapies come available, we are able to tap into the ability to communicate with this population of individuals in a way we were never able to before. Try to approach children struggling with this disorder with the understanding that they have a tremendous amount of potential, the rest of the world just needs to find a way to access it.

*The way a person with Autism experiences the world is very different than that of a "neuro-typical" or "typical" person. Often times elements that may be normal to you can be very upsetting to a person with autism. Certain types of loud noises, unexpected laughter, bright lights, wind chimes, anything unexpected or unfamiliar can be very disconcerting to a child with autism.

*A brilliant doctor told me recently; "We support our kids with Autism by respecting their needs, and not letting them get upset if it can be prevented. Once they are upset, they aren't learning anything." You need to challenge kids with this disorder, you need to introduce them to new things and you need to meet them where they are and try and encourage them to grow into a higher level. But the understanding that by not respecting my son's needs, I was preventing him from learning truly resonated with me.

There is a lot to learn about Autism. We know so much more than we ever have and so little all at once. As a parent of a child with this disorder, I've had the opportunity to learn a lot of things I never would have learned otherwise. There are a lot of places you can go to find out more about Autism, but if you are looking to help support a friend or family member, I would recommend simply sitting down with them and asking some of the following questions:

*What can I do to help?

*Tell me about your understanding of (child's name here)'s Autism

*What is his/her biggest struggle right now?

*How can I help support (child)?

*Is there anything you would recommend I read?


If you are just interested in learning more about autism, I found these resources to be helpful:

www.autismspeaks.org
www.taca.org
"1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising Children with Autism or Aspergers" by Notbohm and Zysk
"Looking After Louis" by Ely and Dunbar

Happy Autism Awareness Month, hopefully more knowlegde about this disorder will help you to better understand and support the people you love.

First Date Night

I recently had a friend ask me for good date night converstaion topics, and I didn't get a chance to respond to her in time. So, rather than waste all of the ideas I came up with, I thought I'd post a few here. In my early 20's I was a bit of a date-a-holic. I really enjoyed the dating process. I know that makes me a bit of a freak, but I think it has to do with the fact that I like learning about people, and I like adventure. A first date is nothing if not an adventure into someones life. Certainly, there were some BAD dates, but I usually found I was able to keep the conversation moving, even if it was to continue discussing my date's obsession with his mother. WEIRD!!!

Whenever I'm getting ready to go somewhere with someone I don't know that well, and sometimes when I'm getting ready for a date night with my husband, I find myself thinking of good conversation topics. A good conversation topic for a first date is usually one that allows you to find out more about the person you are with. It should strike the balance between being original and unexpected while still being somewhat broad and easy to discuss. The topic should bring up feelings that are light and enjoyable, rather than depressing and jarring. Always consider your audience when you bring up a new topic. Before asking a question, try to conceive of your date's possible answers, if there is a chance that the answers could bring up some bad feelings, you might want to consider a different topic. Here are a few questions and topics I've discussed in the past that I found were pretty good during the first date.....

• When was the last time you laughed really hard?

• Where is your favorite place?

• What clebrity would you like to be for a day?

• What do you like about yourself? You don't actually have to come out and ask this one directly, if you're listening to someone, they'll likely indicate something they like about themselves or a quality that they have, and you can use this as a jumping off point for conversation.

• How did you end up in your current line of work - if the person is between jobs or HATES their job this is obviously not a good question. This is a really good one if the date conversation is not going well since it will take up a LOT of time and offer you the opportunity to ask a lot of follow up questions. People enjoy talking about themselves and this allows you to keep the focus of the conversation on your date. So that you don't have to sit in silence and you can think about what you want to do next. If the conversation is going well and you're looking to get the focus off you, this is a good one too. It will also give you a brief recent history of the person you're with.

• And finally, there is my new favorite question..... Which rap song best describes you?

Happy dating!

Testy Test Taker

So I am studying to take a test. The test date is set. The study material is piled up high in a dusty corner. And I am now extremely motivated to do ANYTHING but study for the exam. It is remarkable, truly, how irrational my behavior is, but as you might have guessed, I'm totally giving into it - since I'm updating my blog :).

I decided to sign up for the courses, I signed up for the test date, so why on earth am I not actively working to complete my task???? It seems I have simply forgotten (or blocked out) how hard it is to start studying after you have been out of practice for a while. Suddenly, signing up for that writing class at UCI doesn't seem like that great of an idea anymore.

I look back on my time in school fondly, and somewhat inaccurately. I seem to have forgotten how difficult it was to sit in the library for 4-6 hour stretches; concentrating and re-fueling every once in a while with a huge Diet Coke and a bag of Gardettos snack mix. I seem to have blocked out my internal pre-test freak out cycle:

FIRST:
Oh my gosh, how did I get myself into this mess? I'm never going to pass this test.

SECOND: Well, there is nothing to do now but do my best. I just need to get started and keep studying. I just need to be focussed, organized, and pray to the test gods. In most cases, there was some irrational crying that ocurred in the 2nd phase

THIRD: Hmm, well I seem to be retaining this material and recalling a lot more than I thought. Now that I've put a few hours in, I actually think I may at least pass this thing

FOURTH: Okay, I am now pretty prepared and have anywhere from 6 hours - 2 days until the exam. Maybe I should go help someone else with this. If I just review a little bit here and there, I should do okay.

FIFTH: Man, that was not as hard as I thought it would be. Phew! I passed. I should really sign up for another one of these, I mean I can totally do this type of thing with my eyes closed. That wasn't that hard! Next time I'm going to remember this feeling and I'm not going to freak out.

Of course, every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME I face an exam or even a new challenge, my first reaction is fear. Which is pretty ridiculous since I always look back on things with a clearer and much calmer perspective. I've been out of the working world for a while now, and out of the test taking world for even longer. Now that I've thrown myself into this position where I have a test to take, I must apologize. School is hard! It is a completely different kind of difficult than my current routine, but difficult all the same. So to those of you who are in school, just finished school, or are in a position where you have to take tests on a regular basis; I want to apologize and give you back some of the credit I was cheating you out of. Now that I'm actually walking on the "greener" grass, I realize it's still a tough lawn to navigate successfully!

Wish me luck, procrastination time is over :).