Q:Mother-in-law Etiquette. I heart my mother-in-law, and of course I absolutely love that she wants to spend as much time as possible with my child. However she doesn't share my views on etiquette and doesn't understand why I think it is a big deal. Now my daughter is learning to talk and I hear my mother-in-law say things like "say doggie move!'" to our dog. I will try to correct her and say, "no, we say 'excuse me doggie.'". And then I get an eye roll from my mother in law. I recognize that my daughter may or may not understand these sentences, but I want to set a good example. Am I over-reacting? Is there another way to tell my mother-in-law that a) she should be more polite generally, and b) that I would prefer that she be aware of her etiquette and the example she's setting when around my daughter? Also, what is the best way for me to tell her not to buy the light up Disney Princess shoes for a little girl who still doesn't know who the Disney Princesses are? I know a day will come when my house is full of Disney Princess stuff, but I'd like to hold off as long as possible.
A: Family is incredible, the source of tremendous joy and frustration, all at the same time. The relationship you have with your in-laws changes so dramatically when children come along! You are right, you are very lucky that your mother-in-law is present in your daughter's life! You also have the right to direct the rules of behavior for your child. I'm pretty sure that is a big part of your job as a parent; you make up the rules and you have to enforce them. Kids are impressionable, and in their younger ages, consistency is critical.
When you hear your mother-in-law directing your child to do something that is contrary to your "family rules", try gently letting her know that right now, you are really working on politeness with your daughter. Explain that you are trying to work on these things at home and give some examples of what your mother-in-law might help you with. She may roll her eyes, but the best thing you can do is address the situation and try and get her involved in the process. Of course, you can't expect your in-laws to parent exactly the way you do, but you can keep them informed on what you're working on and involve them in the process. If your mother-in-law doesn't want to be involved in the process of teaching manners, that is absolutely fine! No problem, but at least by informing her of what you're working on (and why it is important to you) the chances of her going against your requests are diminished somewhat.
Parenting is a tough gig, and I'm convinced we all think we're doing it right. If your mother-in-law continues to instruct your daughter incorrectly, all you can do is continue to re-enforce your teachings with your daughter. There are a lot of manners books out there you can read with her, and once she's a little older, you can further explain that though "grammie" said something was okay, that isn't how you behave in your family, and you can have a chance to talk in depth about rules and why manners are so important.
LIGHT UP PRINCESS SHOES!!! I am on the other side of the princess rainbow. My daughter has discovered and is fascinated with princesses. I shamelessly encourage it because sadly, I wish my feet fit into some of those light up slippers. It must be the country/valley girl in me. I don't know, but that is another blog all together!!!
I am a big proponent of setting boundaries with the gift giving. I know, I'm kind of grinchy about it, but as the parent, you are a gatekeeper to what your child is exposed to. If you feel a gift is inappropriate for your child, you can always try the following:
First, graciously thank the gift giver, then let them know that the gift is too "old" for your child, and that you'll be putting it away until she's ready to play with it.
Or, you can let the gift giver know that you so appreciate their generosity, but that you're trying to hold off on exposing your daughter to the sexist world of Disney princesses and that you are fundamentally against anything that is made of plastic.
Okay, maybe best not to totally alienate your family, but I felt the need for a little comic relief with all this heavy parenting stuff!! Another thing you could do would be to let your family know that their presence with your child is more than a gift enough. If that doesn't work and they are still compelled to shower your darling daughter with gifts, direct them on what your daughter likes to play with (and what you are wanting her to play with).
In the end, this will all pass and your little one will be better off for being blessed with having loving family members that surround her as she grows. Having an open and clear dialogue with family about your parenting rules is a great habit to start so that in-laws know what you want them to do.
Good Luck!!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Traveling with Tots
Q: Air travel for 18 hours with a toddler. I realize that your list of "things that are generally not a good idea" contains air travel for more than 20 hours with an infant...but what about a 20 month old for 18 hours? My husband will be in Korea for three months for work next spring, so my daughter and I are planning to go over to see him. I happen to think that the nightmare of travelling alone with a 20 month old to Korea and back is slightly outweighed by Chad and Ella not having to go three whole months without seeing one another. Since I know you did a big trip with your son, I would love to know what you would recommend and/or do differently? Can I tranquilize her? Do I get a seat on the opposite end of the plane and pretend I don't know the screaming child? Please help!
A: You are a daring mom living in the modern world. I did take my son from LA to South Africa when he was only 1 year old, and I still think I shaved a few years off of my life through the sleep deprivation, stress and exhaustion. Traveling with a 20 month old completely by yourself sounds scary, but certainly not impossible. Here are a few of my tips for travel with kids:
1. Recognize that you are going on an ADVENTURE not a VACATION. You're embarking on a great mommy and me adventure into the big wide world. Adventures are filled with the unexpected and challenges. Expect that.
2. Try to schedule the flight that makes the most sense with your child's sleep pattern. Try to make your child as comfortable as possible on the flight. Bring familiar books, blankets, dress her in pajamas if you think that will help.
3. Get the bulkhead seat if possible. The airline will tell you that this seat cannot be reserved, that you have to wait until you check in to get it, do whatever you can to speak to a manager, explain that you'll be traveling alone with a child, and get that seat! If you have it, you can set down a blanket on the floor and have a little play area for your crawler to explore. It won't be much space, but it is much better than nothing.
4. Get your child a seat. I know it's going to be really expensive, but 20 hours is nothing to mess around with. You could get away with not doing this, but I wouldn't chance it.
5. Bring some new books, activities (stickers, coloring books, games, toys, etc.) If you are okay with her watching TV, get a portable DVD player and some DVD's (or find out if the airline has these already and if their programming is appropriate for your child. Also, since you'll be visiting your husband, maybe bring a photo album with pictures of him or a book about where you're going.
One note about the carry on however....try to break up your carry on luggage into two small bags. When I traveled with Blake, I put everything into one of those extra-Extra-Large Lands End bags. I ended up having a heck of a time trying to get anything out because I had over packed so much junk!
6. Before your trip, read your child stories about traveling on an airplane, talk about what you'll be doing, how you'll sleep on the airplane, how you'll behave, etc.
7. Bring snacks and food and treats - whatever you think will be good bribes, bring them. If you don't use them, no problem, but better to have them just in case your child is a picky eater or the food on the flight is absolutely terrible.
8. Pack an extra shirt for yourself in your carry on- with kids especially - accidents happen.
9. Definitely try to get a direct flight. I had thought a lay over was a good idea when we went to South Africa, it WASN'T! Though the thought of being trapped on an airplane for 20 hours seems frightening, lay overs just add to the length of your trip. The sooner you get there, the better.
10. Make a plan with your husband to have him and your daughter spend some quality time together when you arrive so you can go promptly to the spa to relax!
I know there are thousands of other travel tips, but these seemed like a good start. This will undoubtedly be a very exciting trip for you and your child, and surely one you won't forget!! Take pictures and video to remind her of her trip to Korea, and have fun. When in doubt, a good laugh will go a long way.
A: You are a daring mom living in the modern world. I did take my son from LA to South Africa when he was only 1 year old, and I still think I shaved a few years off of my life through the sleep deprivation, stress and exhaustion. Traveling with a 20 month old completely by yourself sounds scary, but certainly not impossible. Here are a few of my tips for travel with kids:
1. Recognize that you are going on an ADVENTURE not a VACATION. You're embarking on a great mommy and me adventure into the big wide world. Adventures are filled with the unexpected and challenges. Expect that.
2. Try to schedule the flight that makes the most sense with your child's sleep pattern. Try to make your child as comfortable as possible on the flight. Bring familiar books, blankets, dress her in pajamas if you think that will help.
3. Get the bulkhead seat if possible. The airline will tell you that this seat cannot be reserved, that you have to wait until you check in to get it, do whatever you can to speak to a manager, explain that you'll be traveling alone with a child, and get that seat! If you have it, you can set down a blanket on the floor and have a little play area for your crawler to explore. It won't be much space, but it is much better than nothing.
4. Get your child a seat. I know it's going to be really expensive, but 20 hours is nothing to mess around with. You could get away with not doing this, but I wouldn't chance it.
5. Bring some new books, activities (stickers, coloring books, games, toys, etc.) If you are okay with her watching TV, get a portable DVD player and some DVD's (or find out if the airline has these already and if their programming is appropriate for your child. Also, since you'll be visiting your husband, maybe bring a photo album with pictures of him or a book about where you're going.
One note about the carry on however....try to break up your carry on luggage into two small bags. When I traveled with Blake, I put everything into one of those extra-Extra-Large Lands End bags. I ended up having a heck of a time trying to get anything out because I had over packed so much junk!
6. Before your trip, read your child stories about traveling on an airplane, talk about what you'll be doing, how you'll sleep on the airplane, how you'll behave, etc.
7. Bring snacks and food and treats - whatever you think will be good bribes, bring them. If you don't use them, no problem, but better to have them just in case your child is a picky eater or the food on the flight is absolutely terrible.
8. Pack an extra shirt for yourself in your carry on- with kids especially - accidents happen.
9. Definitely try to get a direct flight. I had thought a lay over was a good idea when we went to South Africa, it WASN'T! Though the thought of being trapped on an airplane for 20 hours seems frightening, lay overs just add to the length of your trip. The sooner you get there, the better.
10. Make a plan with your husband to have him and your daughter spend some quality time together when you arrive so you can go promptly to the spa to relax!
I know there are thousands of other travel tips, but these seemed like a good start. This will undoubtedly be a very exciting trip for you and your child, and surely one you won't forget!! Take pictures and video to remind her of her trip to Korea, and have fun. When in doubt, a good laugh will go a long way.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Perseverence... Another "P word" Worth Discussing
I hated P.E. when I was younger. I absolutely DREADED running. Even on days where I was feeling particularly spunky, I always found myself wanting to quit running and start walking remarkably soon after I had started. Throughout my teens and college years I tried to run. I joined gym memberships, watched television while on the treadmill, went to the gym with friends, even boyfriends. To date, I think my personal best has been 20 minutes of running time. I can walk for hours, but running has always required a level of perseverance I can't seem to muster.
It occurred to me this week that life in your 30's seems to require a lot of perseverance. Marriage, children, work, keeping your life moving in the direction you want it to go, all requires perseverance. I'm ashamed to admit that historically I strongly prefer activities in which I am already proficient. I have been able to avoid the need for sustained perseverance for most of my life. I pride myself on finding the quickest and easiest route to complete a task, making me useful for efficiency tips but not very strong in the perseverance department. In my 20's I managed to maintain a fun lifestyle without needing a ton of perseverance. Yes, there were days where I didn't want to do something and I still did it, but there weren't extended periods of perseverance. In our early working years the absence of a set plan in life can allow us to look at things as temporary rather than a "long haul".
In your 30's you begin to root into your life. You might buy a home, get married, build a family, build a community, or establish yourself in your career. Once you start on this path, the need for perseverance kicks into overdrive. You make choices to get yourself to a place and once you get there, sometimes the weather sucks. Or it doesn't always look like you thought it would. Some days it is a lot less fantastic than you had hoped even though it is still everything you want. What to do then? Perseverance. I'm still working on being able to run further for longer, working on pushing through the discomfort to keep running. Hopefully in a few years I'll have learned to keep running, and instead of noticing the physical drain, I'll enjoy more of the scenery and feel pride in how far I can go.
It occurred to me this week that life in your 30's seems to require a lot of perseverance. Marriage, children, work, keeping your life moving in the direction you want it to go, all requires perseverance. I'm ashamed to admit that historically I strongly prefer activities in which I am already proficient. I have been able to avoid the need for sustained perseverance for most of my life. I pride myself on finding the quickest and easiest route to complete a task, making me useful for efficiency tips but not very strong in the perseverance department. In my 20's I managed to maintain a fun lifestyle without needing a ton of perseverance. Yes, there were days where I didn't want to do something and I still did it, but there weren't extended periods of perseverance. In our early working years the absence of a set plan in life can allow us to look at things as temporary rather than a "long haul".
In your 30's you begin to root into your life. You might buy a home, get married, build a family, build a community, or establish yourself in your career. Once you start on this path, the need for perseverance kicks into overdrive. You make choices to get yourself to a place and once you get there, sometimes the weather sucks. Or it doesn't always look like you thought it would. Some days it is a lot less fantastic than you had hoped even though it is still everything you want. What to do then? Perseverance. I'm still working on being able to run further for longer, working on pushing through the discomfort to keep running. Hopefully in a few years I'll have learned to keep running, and instead of noticing the physical drain, I'll enjoy more of the scenery and feel pride in how far I can go.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Personal Anthem
I was recently lucky enough to be sitting at dinner with some dear friends when we got to a rare break in conversation. After a moment, I asked the girls; "What is your personal anthem?". I was SHOCKED! I looked around at the faces I've known for so long and saw an audience of blank and quizzical faces. Apparently not everyone has put as much time and attention into deciding their personal anthem as yours truly.
The personal anthem comes into play at a variety of times. When you're walking down the street, when you're having a bad day, when you're waiting for a job interview, or when you win the lottery. At moments of triumph and moments of trial, the personal anthem can be a great thing to have playing in your head. When practicing walking down the runway in the privacy of your own home, doing the dishes or sweeping the floor, it's nice to have a song that you sing to yourself.
I hope you all take a moment to think of your personal anthem today. Think of the song that you feel best describes YOU, where you are in your life, what you value, what you aspire to be, or even what simply makes you laugh.
Obviously, I have a personal anthem. I've had a few over the years, but at this moment in time, my personal anthem is "Aint Nothing Going to Hold Me Down" by Men at Work. Which is TOTALLY random, but I find it suits me and my life at this time. I hope you all have a chance to ponder your anthems over the weekend, and ask a friend what theirs might be, you might just learn something fun!
The personal anthem comes into play at a variety of times. When you're walking down the street, when you're having a bad day, when you're waiting for a job interview, or when you win the lottery. At moments of triumph and moments of trial, the personal anthem can be a great thing to have playing in your head. When practicing walking down the runway in the privacy of your own home, doing the dishes or sweeping the floor, it's nice to have a song that you sing to yourself.
I hope you all take a moment to think of your personal anthem today. Think of the song that you feel best describes YOU, where you are in your life, what you value, what you aspire to be, or even what simply makes you laugh.
Obviously, I have a personal anthem. I've had a few over the years, but at this moment in time, my personal anthem is "Aint Nothing Going to Hold Me Down" by Men at Work. Which is TOTALLY random, but I find it suits me and my life at this time. I hope you all have a chance to ponder your anthems over the weekend, and ask a friend what theirs might be, you might just learn something fun!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
It's Not Fair
The message at church the other week highlighted the fact that life is UNFAIR. It was a message I absolutely needed to hear. In times of trial I've often been told; "Take heart, God only gives us what he knows we can handle." That statement makes me crazy. It makes me feel like if I were less capable, bad things wouldn't happen to me. Rather than giving hope and encouragement, I begin to feel angry and resentful.
The saying our pastor included in his message, and the one I prefer is:
I've said it before, I'm a control freak. Being a mother of two has only increased my yearning for control over my life.
Cheerios MUST be off the floor!
MUST pack nutritious lunch!
MUST bake treats for pre-school class!
Children MUST be polite and well mannered, stimulated but not overly, recipients of all that they need with ALL needs anticipated.
MUST have children clean and well dressed for any type of weather! MUST be prepared for ANYTHING at ANYTIME!
There is NO room for ERROR - EVER!!!!
Being a wife and a mother of two has only revealed my inability to control much of anything! But MY emotions, MY reactions, MY words - THAT - I should be able to control. My behavior, my attitude, my choices, okay - I can control those too. I can plan, I can provide healthy choices, I can introduce positive concepts, I can model positive and healthy behaviors, I can be conscientious of all that I do. But I can't control sickness, disability, the residential real estate market, the behavior of my children, my family, my friends, my neighbor, other people's children, the school district, ALL are out of my control.
I feel relieved. I can do SOMETHING! I can control my own behavior! I can't get the school district to do what I want them to do. I can't take away illness, but I can stay calm, supportive and even faithful when it falls on a loved one. I can't fix tragedies; earth shattering or minor, but I can keep from flying into a tailspin when they occur. Hallelujah! No need to obsess over things that are completely beyond my control! It doesn't have any affect!
Hmm....maybe now my face won't look so darn scrunchy, and I can do something more positive with my time. Maybe a hug for my husband and snuggles for the kids.
The saying our pastor included in his message, and the one I prefer is:
"You cannot control the circumstances, but you can control how you react to them."
I've said it before, I'm a control freak. Being a mother of two has only increased my yearning for control over my life.
Cheerios MUST be off the floor!
MUST pack nutritious lunch!
MUST bake treats for pre-school class!
Children MUST be polite and well mannered, stimulated but not overly, recipients of all that they need with ALL needs anticipated.
MUST have children clean and well dressed for any type of weather! MUST be prepared for ANYTHING at ANYTIME!
There is NO room for ERROR - EVER!!!!
Being a wife and a mother of two has only revealed my inability to control much of anything! But MY emotions, MY reactions, MY words - THAT - I should be able to control. My behavior, my attitude, my choices, okay - I can control those too. I can plan, I can provide healthy choices, I can introduce positive concepts, I can model positive and healthy behaviors, I can be conscientious of all that I do. But I can't control sickness, disability, the residential real estate market, the behavior of my children, my family, my friends, my neighbor, other people's children, the school district, ALL are out of my control.
I feel relieved. I can do SOMETHING! I can control my own behavior! I can't get the school district to do what I want them to do. I can't take away illness, but I can stay calm, supportive and even faithful when it falls on a loved one. I can't fix tragedies; earth shattering or minor, but I can keep from flying into a tailspin when they occur. Hallelujah! No need to obsess over things that are completely beyond my control! It doesn't have any affect!
Hmm....maybe now my face won't look so darn scrunchy, and I can do something more positive with my time. Maybe a hug for my husband and snuggles for the kids.
The P Word
"If he pees, just come and get me." Another phrase added to the list of "Things I Never Thought I'd Say"
I know, I hate to add to the litany of rants that have been written about potty training BUT, I just have to. Potty training has kind of taken over my life. I like to think of it as one of motherhood's "Dirty Little Secrets".
My pediatrician - a man with TONS of education, but who has no actual children of his own - advised me on potty training before I was ready. At the 18 month checkup for my child, he instructed me to start potty training. He said I should start "introducing" my child to the potty. Insert humorous visuals of a toddler shaking hands with a toilet here. I was told to take a dirty diaper off of my child, deposit its contents into the toilet, and start to get my child accustomed to the process. GROSS. I seriously thought he was joking. He wasn't.
So, rather than take the well meaning doctor's advice, I WAITED. I'm now being dragged into potty training well after I should have started doing it, with many additional experts involved in the process. Whoops! Guess my "common sense" approach to potty training is catching up with me now. With much of parenting, I just think you HAVE to laugh. I now have two toddlers who want or need to be potty trained so I spend a LOT of time in the vicinity of the toilet. I am told that in 10 years they will dress themselves and use the bathroom on their own, I just have such a difficult time trying to know that in my heart.
Though I do feel most times that potty training is the bane of my existence, I also recognize it as an opportunity for face time with the kids. Whether they like it or not, we're spending a LOT of time one on one throughout the day together. And, my bathroom is very well organized now, so, there's that.
Wish me luck, I'm off to the potty.
I know, I hate to add to the litany of rants that have been written about potty training BUT, I just have to. Potty training has kind of taken over my life. I like to think of it as one of motherhood's "Dirty Little Secrets".
My pediatrician - a man with TONS of education, but who has no actual children of his own - advised me on potty training before I was ready. At the 18 month checkup for my child, he instructed me to start potty training. He said I should start "introducing" my child to the potty. Insert humorous visuals of a toddler shaking hands with a toilet here. I was told to take a dirty diaper off of my child, deposit its contents into the toilet, and start to get my child accustomed to the process. GROSS. I seriously thought he was joking. He wasn't.
So, rather than take the well meaning doctor's advice, I WAITED. I'm now being dragged into potty training well after I should have started doing it, with many additional experts involved in the process. Whoops! Guess my "common sense" approach to potty training is catching up with me now. With much of parenting, I just think you HAVE to laugh. I now have two toddlers who want or need to be potty trained so I spend a LOT of time in the vicinity of the toilet. I am told that in 10 years they will dress themselves and use the bathroom on their own, I just have such a difficult time trying to know that in my heart.
Though I do feel most times that potty training is the bane of my existence, I also recognize it as an opportunity for face time with the kids. Whether they like it or not, we're spending a LOT of time one on one throughout the day together. And, my bathroom is very well organized now, so, there's that.
Wish me luck, I'm off to the potty.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Do you believe in magic?
Sorry, I know I just got that song stuck in your head for the rest of the day. I had to do it though. It was just too appropriate. At church on Sunday, the speaker referred to the "magical period" in a relationship when you first fall in love. It got me thinking a little about magic. The world is certainly a wondrous place. Whenever I have traveled, I relish the opportunity to see new parts of the world, and to see surroundings from a curious perspective. I often find myself filled with wonder at the beauty of new places. I'll gaze out on a sea reflecting purples, pinks, oranges and blues from a sunset and be hypnotized by the sheer magic of the scenery.
I'm a parent of two small children, and I started to wonder; if in my efforts to do everything possible to be the best parent I can be, I might be robbing them (and myself) of the opportunity to recognize magical moments in my day to day life. If every action I make is contemplated and controlled, then how can I free myself up to recognize the colors of the world around me? The feeling of a breeze that cools and refreshes on a stifling day can go unnoticed. The recognition that the little people I'm trying to parent were once much smaller and that they have grown SO much in my presence.
I started looking for magic around me, and I found it. I found it in a lot of places. I realized that my magic sensor is closely tied to my imagination, and that the more I use the imagination, the better it works. There are many un-magical things in my day, but in being ready for the moments of pure whimsy, I seem to be creating a space for more of them.
The pediatrician's office isn't necessarily a place where you think you're in for a "magical" time. But while we were waiting for the doctor (for 40 minutes) there was a moment where I saw my son put a toy bear on a little truck and push them around together. He was playing with them functionally, a two-step, functional play moment. For me, it was a MAJOR milestone of how far we've come. We were working on trying to get him to do that like CRAZY last year. And there it was, happening right before my eyes. Hooray!!! Success! I've seen him do things like this before, I've seen him get close to achieving this type of goal, but the manner in which he did it, was spellbinding. It was Magical.
I hope this brief reminder compels you to open yourself up to magic if your life doesn't have much in it right now. If you do have a healthy amount of magic in your day, I challenge you to try and share it with others. The simple act of pointing out something magical, or perhaps just your perspective that shows something in that light, can be a huge gift to the person you share it with.
I'm a parent of two small children, and I started to wonder; if in my efforts to do everything possible to be the best parent I can be, I might be robbing them (and myself) of the opportunity to recognize magical moments in my day to day life. If every action I make is contemplated and controlled, then how can I free myself up to recognize the colors of the world around me? The feeling of a breeze that cools and refreshes on a stifling day can go unnoticed. The recognition that the little people I'm trying to parent were once much smaller and that they have grown SO much in my presence.
I started looking for magic around me, and I found it. I found it in a lot of places. I realized that my magic sensor is closely tied to my imagination, and that the more I use the imagination, the better it works. There are many un-magical things in my day, but in being ready for the moments of pure whimsy, I seem to be creating a space for more of them.
The pediatrician's office isn't necessarily a place where you think you're in for a "magical" time. But while we were waiting for the doctor (for 40 minutes) there was a moment where I saw my son put a toy bear on a little truck and push them around together. He was playing with them functionally, a two-step, functional play moment. For me, it was a MAJOR milestone of how far we've come. We were working on trying to get him to do that like CRAZY last year. And there it was, happening right before my eyes. Hooray!!! Success! I've seen him do things like this before, I've seen him get close to achieving this type of goal, but the manner in which he did it, was spellbinding. It was Magical.
I hope this brief reminder compels you to open yourself up to magic if your life doesn't have much in it right now. If you do have a healthy amount of magic in your day, I challenge you to try and share it with others. The simple act of pointing out something magical, or perhaps just your perspective that shows something in that light, can be a huge gift to the person you share it with.
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