Mommy Manners

Q:Mother-in-law Etiquette. I heart my mother-in-law, and of course I absolutely love that she wants to spend as much time as possible with my child. However she doesn't share my views on etiquette and doesn't understand why I think it is a big deal. Now my daughter is learning to talk and I hear my mother-in-law say things like "say doggie move!'" to our dog. I will try to correct her and say, "no, we say 'excuse me doggie.'". And then I get an eye roll from my mother in law. I recognize that my daughter may or may not understand these sentences, but I want to set a good example. Am I over-reacting? Is there another way to tell my mother-in-law that a) she should be more polite generally, and b) that I would prefer that she be aware of her etiquette and the example she's setting when around my daughter? Also, what is the best way for me to tell her not to buy the light up Disney Princess shoes for a little girl who still doesn't know who the Disney Princesses are? I know a day will come when my house is full of Disney Princess stuff, but I'd like to hold off as long as possible.

A: Family is incredible, the source of tremendous joy and frustration, all at the same time. The relationship you have with your in-laws changes so dramatically when children come along! You are right, you are very lucky that your mother-in-law is present in your daughter's life! You also have the right to direct the rules of behavior for your child. I'm pretty sure that is a big part of your job as a parent; you make up the rules and you have to enforce them. Kids are impressionable, and in their younger ages, consistency is critical.

When you hear your mother-in-law directing your child to do something that is contrary to your "family rules", try gently letting her know that right now, you are really working on politeness with your daughter. Explain that you are trying to work on these things at home and give some examples of what your mother-in-law might help you with. She may roll her eyes, but the best thing you can do is address the situation and try and get her involved in the process. Of course, you can't expect your in-laws to parent exactly the way you do, but you can keep them informed on what you're working on and involve them in the process. If your mother-in-law doesn't want to be involved in the process of teaching manners, that is absolutely fine! No problem, but at least by informing her of what you're working on (and why it is important to you) the chances of her going against your requests are diminished somewhat.

Parenting is a tough gig, and I'm convinced we all think we're doing it right. If your mother-in-law continues to instruct your daughter incorrectly, all you can do is continue to re-enforce your teachings with your daughter. There are a lot of manners books out there you can read with her, and once she's a little older, you can further explain that though "grammie" said something was okay, that isn't how you behave in your family, and you can have a chance to talk in depth about rules and why manners are so important.

LIGHT UP PRINCESS SHOES!!! I am on the other side of the princess rainbow. My daughter has discovered and is fascinated with princesses. I shamelessly encourage it because sadly, I wish my feet fit into some of those light up slippers. It must be the country/valley girl in me. I don't know, but that is another blog all together!!!

I am a big proponent of setting boundaries with the gift giving. I know, I'm kind of grinchy about it, but as the parent, you are a gatekeeper to what your child is exposed to. If you feel a gift is inappropriate for your child, you can always try the following:

First, graciously thank the gift giver, then let them know that the gift is too "old" for your child, and that you'll be putting it away until she's ready to play with it.

Or, you can let the gift giver know that you so appreciate their generosity, but that you're trying to hold off on exposing your daughter to the sexist world of Disney princesses and that you are fundamentally against anything that is made of plastic.

Okay, maybe best not to totally alienate your family, but I felt the need for a little comic relief with all this heavy parenting stuff!! Another thing you could do would be to let your family know that their presence with your child is more than a gift enough. If that doesn't work and they are still compelled to shower your darling daughter with gifts, direct them on what your daughter likes to play with (and what you are wanting her to play with).

In the end, this will all pass and your little one will be better off for being blessed with having loving family members that surround her as she grows. Having an open and clear dialogue with family about your parenting rules is a great habit to start so that in-laws know what you want them to do.

Good Luck!!