So what is it like to parent a child with autism?

I was talking with a friend's husband recently, and he asked me what it was like parenting a child with autism.  And I realized he really did want to know and that he truly had no idea.  I tried my best to share with him some of our challenges in the most positive way possible, but of course, it has taken me a day or two to come up with a better answer that seem to fit - at least for now....

If you think of parenting as a marathon that every parent is in, it's like running that marathon too, just with a different terrain, barefoot, with a gorilla on your back.  With people shouting advice, judgements, or instructions from within the race and also on the sidelines.  You keep checking the map, and running down routes, only to find out

 "NO GORILLAS ALLOWED" 

or 

"Your Gorilla has to be quarantined"

 or whatever.  And people yell, impassioned yells

 "God only gives you what you can handle!!"   

"You're blessed for your gorilla, shame shame shame on you for complaining about your bloody feed and aching back!"  

 And a favorite in our household :  "What do you think you did wrong to loose your shoes and get a gorilla??" Add in the additional noise from your gorilla, who's uncomfortable, struggling from being stuck on your back,  and other people in the race shout:

 "KEEP THAT GORILLA AWAY FROM ME!! 

 He may be contagious!  Or;  "He is going to slow down my race time!".

I could go on, but you get the picture.  We are all in a different "marathon", living different lives, that are constantly changing - we're enjoying wonderful, blessed moments that are rich in  delirious love.  Everyone is an individual, having an individual experience, and I would never suggest that my metaphor and subsequent experience is representative of a greater population.

But it is human nature to want for it to be.  I want to be able to gain data from people, group them together, organize findings and come up with a solution.  I want an easy answer.  That sadly doesn't always seem to end up working with parenting though.  So all I can share is that today, this is my better answer to "what it's like".

Enjoy the race!

The Answers

Have you ever continued to ask the same question over and over again, only to find that you don't like the answers you get? That has been happening to me quite a bit lately. When I first had my second child, I kept asking other moms with kids close in age

"It will get easier - right?"

And pretty unanimously, they would respond (with varying levels of sensitivity):

"No."



or: "You're in the easy part. It will get harder before it gets easier, so enjoy what you have in this moment. "



and: "It will get easier.....in like, 2 years."

I kept searching for the answer I wanted, and continued to get the answer that was correct instead. I attended a parenting meeting last Friday, looking for more answers. It was a typical parenting meeting; depressing, enlightening, scary, and confusing with random nuggets of information that were helpful. One of the "experts" speaking to us parents shared a nugget of information that I found to be inspirational.

He told us that the top athletes understand 3 keys to success:

1. Understand what needs to be done
We may not want to do it, but understanding what needs to be done, educating ourselves so that we are able to understand the tasks at hand, or working with the right people to direct us to the right tasks is the first step.

2. Be persistent

3. Have Endurance

While these simple instructions weren't what I necessarily wanted to hear, I think they were probably what I needed to hear. Realizing that challenges, no matter what they are, can be met with such a simple formula allowed me to feel a little more confident in addressing the tough roads ahead. Sure, I may be pushing boulders uphill in order to achieve the things I need to achieve, but at least having faith that I am doing the right things to get where I need to go afforded me a little freedom from wasting time second-guessing my methods.

My question, the one I've been asking over and over again:

"Am I doing this right?"

In a sense, was answered. In order to get the results you desire, follow the three steps. I may look back on this later and regret the time I've spent relishing this oversimplification, but for right now, for the challenges I'm working on, this answer FINALLY seems right. And manageable. So if nothing else, I hope this helps you simplify and feel peace about your challenges too.

Do you believe in magic?

Sorry, I know I just got that song stuck in your head for the rest of the day. I had to do it though. It was just too appropriate. At church on Sunday, the speaker referred to the "magical period" in a relationship when you first fall in love. It got me thinking a little about magic. The world is certainly a wondrous place. Whenever I have traveled, I relish the opportunity to see new parts of the world, and to see surroundings from a curious perspective. I often find myself filled with wonder at the beauty of new places. I'll gaze out on a sea reflecting purples, pinks, oranges and blues from a sunset and be hypnotized by the sheer magic of the scenery.

I'm a parent of two small children, and I started to wonder; if in my efforts to do everything possible to be the best parent I can be, I might be robbing them (and myself) of the opportunity to recognize magical moments in my day to day life. If every action I make is contemplated and controlled, then how can I free myself up to recognize the colors of the world around me? The feeling of a breeze that cools and refreshes on a stifling day can go unnoticed. The recognition that the little people I'm trying to parent were once much smaller and that they have grown SO much in my presence.

I started looking for magic around me, and I found it. I found it in a lot of places. I realized that my magic sensor is closely tied to my imagination, and that the more I use the imagination, the better it works. There are many un-magical things in my day, but in being ready for the moments of pure whimsy, I seem to be creating a space for more of them.

The pediatrician's office isn't necessarily a place where you think you're in for a "magical" time. But while we were waiting for the doctor (for 40 minutes) there was a moment where I saw my son put a toy bear on a little truck and push them around together. He was playing with them functionally, a two-step, functional play moment. For me, it was a MAJOR milestone of how far we've come. We were working on trying to get him to do that like CRAZY last year. And there it was, happening right before my eyes. Hooray!!! Success! I've seen him do things like this before, I've seen him get close to achieving this type of goal, but the manner in which he did it, was spellbinding. It was Magical.

I hope this brief reminder compels you to open yourself up to magic if your life doesn't have much in it right now. If you do have a healthy amount of magic in your day, I challenge you to try and share it with others. The simple act of pointing out something magical, or perhaps just your perspective that shows something in that light, can be a huge gift to the person you share it with.

Terrorizing Toddler

Q: I've been running around with a group of mommies/kids for about 2 1/2 years now. One boy in the group has always displayed rough and aggressive behavior, but now that he's almost 3 1/2, it's starting to be less age-appropriate and a little scary because he's getting big enough to do some real damage (property and bodies). The parents are very laissez-faire and do not provide boundaries/limits for the child. And it's getting a little out of control. I have been avoiding the family as much as I can, but it's complicated because this family lives right down the street, so I can only avoid invites to take the kids on a walk for so long, ya know? Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation? Do I confront the parents? Do I discipline the child? Or do I just concentrate on teaching my own child on how to deal with these situations?

A: Parenthood is quite the social adventure. It will drag you through the STRANGEST and most uncomfortable alleyways! In this case, it's dragged you down the street, into the home and heart of your dear mommy friend and let's face it, you REALLY don't want to be there. I'm pretty sure there is no perfect way to handle this situation, but if you can approach it with an honest, open heart and a lot of humility, you've got a good shot at achieving the best results.

The next time you are in contact with the little bully and you witness behavior that you think is unacceptable that is directed toward your child or property, I wold use the " Our house, our rules" approach. Say something like: "Oh, no little one, we don't allow XYZ behavior in our house. " And then try to redirect the child to an acceptable, less harmful activity - bubbles maybe? Then, I'd tell the parent, "I am sorry if I'm stepping on your toes, I'm trying to work on XYZ behavior with my child." If the mom is receptive to your discipline, then I'd keep it up as long as it is comfortable. If not, ask her if she'd prefer to have you grab her to intervene if something occurs again. I think honesty, kindness, and patience are the qualities you should lead with and hopefully you guys can come to an understanding. The important thing is that you protect your child's environment AND hopefully are able to play peacefully with this friend. If you try this a few times and it isn't taking, I'd have a talk with the mom. Maybe ask her to help you protect your little one from her "big" guy. I've found that when you phrase something as a request for help, the person you're speaking to is a lot more likely to acquiesce. Maybe you'll talk with the mom and find out that there is something else going on with her child or even in her life, and that she would be grateful to have another source work on discipline with her child. I used to think it would really bother me to have someone discipline my child. Then, I had 2 toddlers and realized, sometimes they realize they've got you on the run, and simply will not listen to you. An outside voice of authority can be welcome when your kid is tearing apart a grocery store.

Here are a few other ideas to help facilitate peaceful play:

*Try to create a jumping game or obstacle course for the kids. This could help the aggressive one get out some major energy without having physical contact with the kids.

*Create a pretend game where everyone tries to make animal noises or play freeze dancing. Again, independent and energy consuming.

I hope this ends up with your children all being able to play together peacefully! If not, you may need to find some new friends to play with. Though this would certainly be the worst case scenario, you must remember, your child is going to have a LOT of different friends throughout his or her life. If you miss out on a few activities now, I am SURE you can make up for it when he or she is sixteen by having a monthly sleepover party at your house :).