Autism Awareness

April is Autism Awareness month. I don't know how long this has been the case, since this is the first year I realized there was an Autism Awareness month. My education on, in, and about Autism is constantly evolving, and this year is the first year I was "aware" of the "awareness" occurring throughout the month of April. There have been some phenomenal television shows, news specials, and print news media pieces discussing Autism and attempting to shed some light on this growing epidemic that is so incredibly enigmatic.

I've been a parent for 4 1/2 years now, but only a part of the Autism community for a little more than 1 1/2 years. There is so much I don't know about this disorder, but since I am trying to use this blog to give advice, I thought I'd take this opportunity to share a few things I have found helpful as a parent of a child with Autism.

Every individual with Autism is different. The condition manifests itself in a myriad of ways and the medical community is continuously struggling with how to define Autism Spectrum Disorders. In an attempt to share some information about a topic that is growing to affect a larger and larger portion of the population, I thought I would list some quick facts about Autism that I have learned in my brief and muddled education......

*Autism is a neurological disorder. If you see kids screaming out, spinning around in circles, flapping their hands, chewing on things that are not edible, behaving like maniacs, or acting completely out of control, try your very best not to judge. You really never know the whole story from the outside. If you feel compelled, offer to help. If the parent snaps at you, please try to show a little grace and remember the end of the previous sentence :). Remember, the children you see exhibiting this behavior have a neurological disorder. Their brains do not function in the same way other brains do.

*People with Autism can range in ability from being mentally retarded to being geniuses. As more and more therapies come available, we are able to tap into the ability to communicate with this population of individuals in a way we were never able to before. Try to approach children struggling with this disorder with the understanding that they have a tremendous amount of potential, the rest of the world just needs to find a way to access it.

*The way a person with Autism experiences the world is very different than that of a "neuro-typical" or "typical" person. Often times elements that may be normal to you can be very upsetting to a person with autism. Certain types of loud noises, unexpected laughter, bright lights, wind chimes, anything unexpected or unfamiliar can be very disconcerting to a child with autism.

*A brilliant doctor told me recently; "We support our kids with Autism by respecting their needs, and not letting them get upset if it can be prevented. Once they are upset, they aren't learning anything." You need to challenge kids with this disorder, you need to introduce them to new things and you need to meet them where they are and try and encourage them to grow into a higher level. But the understanding that by not respecting my son's needs, I was preventing him from learning truly resonated with me.

There is a lot to learn about Autism. We know so much more than we ever have and so little all at once. As a parent of a child with this disorder, I've had the opportunity to learn a lot of things I never would have learned otherwise. There are a lot of places you can go to find out more about Autism, but if you are looking to help support a friend or family member, I would recommend simply sitting down with them and asking some of the following questions:

*What can I do to help?

*Tell me about your understanding of (child's name here)'s Autism

*What is his/her biggest struggle right now?

*How can I help support (child)?

*Is there anything you would recommend I read?


If you are just interested in learning more about autism, I found these resources to be helpful:

www.autismspeaks.org
www.taca.org
"1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising Children with Autism or Aspergers" by Notbohm and Zysk
"Looking After Louis" by Ely and Dunbar

Happy Autism Awareness Month, hopefully more knowlegde about this disorder will help you to better understand and support the people you love.

First Date Night

I recently had a friend ask me for good date night converstaion topics, and I didn't get a chance to respond to her in time. So, rather than waste all of the ideas I came up with, I thought I'd post a few here. In my early 20's I was a bit of a date-a-holic. I really enjoyed the dating process. I know that makes me a bit of a freak, but I think it has to do with the fact that I like learning about people, and I like adventure. A first date is nothing if not an adventure into someones life. Certainly, there were some BAD dates, but I usually found I was able to keep the conversation moving, even if it was to continue discussing my date's obsession with his mother. WEIRD!!!

Whenever I'm getting ready to go somewhere with someone I don't know that well, and sometimes when I'm getting ready for a date night with my husband, I find myself thinking of good conversation topics. A good conversation topic for a first date is usually one that allows you to find out more about the person you are with. It should strike the balance between being original and unexpected while still being somewhat broad and easy to discuss. The topic should bring up feelings that are light and enjoyable, rather than depressing and jarring. Always consider your audience when you bring up a new topic. Before asking a question, try to conceive of your date's possible answers, if there is a chance that the answers could bring up some bad feelings, you might want to consider a different topic. Here are a few questions and topics I've discussed in the past that I found were pretty good during the first date.....

• When was the last time you laughed really hard?

• Where is your favorite place?

• What clebrity would you like to be for a day?

• What do you like about yourself? You don't actually have to come out and ask this one directly, if you're listening to someone, they'll likely indicate something they like about themselves or a quality that they have, and you can use this as a jumping off point for conversation.

• How did you end up in your current line of work - if the person is between jobs or HATES their job this is obviously not a good question. This is a really good one if the date conversation is not going well since it will take up a LOT of time and offer you the opportunity to ask a lot of follow up questions. People enjoy talking about themselves and this allows you to keep the focus of the conversation on your date. So that you don't have to sit in silence and you can think about what you want to do next. If the conversation is going well and you're looking to get the focus off you, this is a good one too. It will also give you a brief recent history of the person you're with.

• And finally, there is my new favorite question..... Which rap song best describes you?

Happy dating!

Testy Test Taker

So I am studying to take a test. The test date is set. The study material is piled up high in a dusty corner. And I am now extremely motivated to do ANYTHING but study for the exam. It is remarkable, truly, how irrational my behavior is, but as you might have guessed, I'm totally giving into it - since I'm updating my blog :).

I decided to sign up for the courses, I signed up for the test date, so why on earth am I not actively working to complete my task???? It seems I have simply forgotten (or blocked out) how hard it is to start studying after you have been out of practice for a while. Suddenly, signing up for that writing class at UCI doesn't seem like that great of an idea anymore.

I look back on my time in school fondly, and somewhat inaccurately. I seem to have forgotten how difficult it was to sit in the library for 4-6 hour stretches; concentrating and re-fueling every once in a while with a huge Diet Coke and a bag of Gardettos snack mix. I seem to have blocked out my internal pre-test freak out cycle:

FIRST:
Oh my gosh, how did I get myself into this mess? I'm never going to pass this test.

SECOND: Well, there is nothing to do now but do my best. I just need to get started and keep studying. I just need to be focussed, organized, and pray to the test gods. In most cases, there was some irrational crying that ocurred in the 2nd phase

THIRD: Hmm, well I seem to be retaining this material and recalling a lot more than I thought. Now that I've put a few hours in, I actually think I may at least pass this thing

FOURTH: Okay, I am now pretty prepared and have anywhere from 6 hours - 2 days until the exam. Maybe I should go help someone else with this. If I just review a little bit here and there, I should do okay.

FIFTH: Man, that was not as hard as I thought it would be. Phew! I passed. I should really sign up for another one of these, I mean I can totally do this type of thing with my eyes closed. That wasn't that hard! Next time I'm going to remember this feeling and I'm not going to freak out.

Of course, every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME I face an exam or even a new challenge, my first reaction is fear. Which is pretty ridiculous since I always look back on things with a clearer and much calmer perspective. I've been out of the working world for a while now, and out of the test taking world for even longer. Now that I've thrown myself into this position where I have a test to take, I must apologize. School is hard! It is a completely different kind of difficult than my current routine, but difficult all the same. So to those of you who are in school, just finished school, or are in a position where you have to take tests on a regular basis; I want to apologize and give you back some of the credit I was cheating you out of. Now that I'm actually walking on the "greener" grass, I realize it's still a tough lawn to navigate successfully!

Wish me luck, procrastination time is over :).

Holiday Blues

I know that we are in the throes of the "Hap-happiest season of all" the MOST wonderful time of the year, but I have to confess, I've been feeling the holiday blues a bit this week.

I do beleive we can learn from our past, and that perspective on things helps us to better view our present day. So I've been reflecting. And remembering. And recounting. And looking backwards. I've been pretty over-indulgent in the reflecting department! I know that for me, the holidays can be filled with the merriest of memories while also bringing out some pretty sad stuff too. My head has been filled with the following manic merry-go-round of thoughts about....

My Family, family members that are no longer with us, and new members of our family.

Friends, old friends, new friends, new-old friends, and people I used to know.

The traditions of my family, of my husband's family, of my sisters new family, of our family when we were little, of our family after my parents got divorced. The Christmases in the early adult stage of life, and what Christmas will be like when my family grows older.

The end of a year approaching, how I was feeling last year at this time, how much has changed in our lives from last year, from the year before that....

Spiritual revelation, the reason for Christmas, the miracle of the holiday, trying to explain that all to two toddlers and also explain how Santa fits in...

Holiday parties with friends, at school, gifts for teachers, assistants, therapists, family holiday parties, what I'll wear for New Years Eve (sad, but yes, this has been popping up over and over again).

Holiday cards, giving them receiving them, and trying to figure out how to do it without all the brain damage.

It has been great, it has been sad, and it has been just a little bit stressful. I've laughed, I have cried, and I have cut people off in the parking lot. I feel like I've totally embodied the holidays. Since I know this time of year can be hard for a lot of people, I just thought I'd share a bit of what I've been feeling. Hopefully it makes you feel uplifted to know that there is someone out there who is crazier than you :) In the end, we're all in this together, so if you are feeling blue this year, know that there are people out there who love you and just want to celebrate the brighter points of the season with you.

Giving Thanks

I love Thanksgiving. I love the food. I love the idea that we are supposed to spend a day feeling thankful for all of our blessings. Unfortunately, I have had a few holiday mis-steps over the years. In light of these, I'd like to give some advice on for your consideration over the Thanksgiving holiday:

BAD IDEAS:
1. Spend the time with your family completely wrapped up in your own insecurities so that you have no ability to ask them how they are doing.

2. Over-indulge in spirits the night before Thanksgiving so that you feel completely terrible until about 5pm Thanksgiving day.

3. Do not help with the meal, the dishes, ANYTHING at all. Then complain about the food and the surroundings.

4. Talk about how you would be more thankful if you were at a better Thanksgiving celebration.

5. Disagree. With everything anyone says.

GOOD IDEAS:

1. Try and have at least 3 really good conversations throughout the day.

2. Help the hostess (if you are the hostess, help yourself and delegate!).

3. Think of one thing you like about each of the guests you're sharing your celebration with.

4. Consider where you've been in years past and ponder how you have grown or how your life has changed for the better over the past year.

5. Give hugs. Give smiles. Be charitable and kind.

I look back on so many of the family holidays we had when I was younger, and I regret not being totally "present" for them. My grandparents have passed on, and especially this year, I realize that as life goes on, the holidays - and who we celebrate them with - continue to change. I'm so thankful for the holidays I get to share now, but a part of me regrets not enjoying the holidays I got to spend with my aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins to the fullest. Many of us are married, have children of our own, and are evolving into our own family traditions. A thought to remember - no matter who you spend your holiday with, you likely won't get to - or have to - celebrate with them forever. So try take time and be grateful for the time you have together - or, for the fact that it won't be forever!!

Mommy Manners

Q:Mother-in-law Etiquette. I heart my mother-in-law, and of course I absolutely love that she wants to spend as much time as possible with my child. However she doesn't share my views on etiquette and doesn't understand why I think it is a big deal. Now my daughter is learning to talk and I hear my mother-in-law say things like "say doggie move!'" to our dog. I will try to correct her and say, "no, we say 'excuse me doggie.'". And then I get an eye roll from my mother in law. I recognize that my daughter may or may not understand these sentences, but I want to set a good example. Am I over-reacting? Is there another way to tell my mother-in-law that a) she should be more polite generally, and b) that I would prefer that she be aware of her etiquette and the example she's setting when around my daughter? Also, what is the best way for me to tell her not to buy the light up Disney Princess shoes for a little girl who still doesn't know who the Disney Princesses are? I know a day will come when my house is full of Disney Princess stuff, but I'd like to hold off as long as possible.

A: Family is incredible, the source of tremendous joy and frustration, all at the same time. The relationship you have with your in-laws changes so dramatically when children come along! You are right, you are very lucky that your mother-in-law is present in your daughter's life! You also have the right to direct the rules of behavior for your child. I'm pretty sure that is a big part of your job as a parent; you make up the rules and you have to enforce them. Kids are impressionable, and in their younger ages, consistency is critical.

When you hear your mother-in-law directing your child to do something that is contrary to your "family rules", try gently letting her know that right now, you are really working on politeness with your daughter. Explain that you are trying to work on these things at home and give some examples of what your mother-in-law might help you with. She may roll her eyes, but the best thing you can do is address the situation and try and get her involved in the process. Of course, you can't expect your in-laws to parent exactly the way you do, but you can keep them informed on what you're working on and involve them in the process. If your mother-in-law doesn't want to be involved in the process of teaching manners, that is absolutely fine! No problem, but at least by informing her of what you're working on (and why it is important to you) the chances of her going against your requests are diminished somewhat.

Parenting is a tough gig, and I'm convinced we all think we're doing it right. If your mother-in-law continues to instruct your daughter incorrectly, all you can do is continue to re-enforce your teachings with your daughter. There are a lot of manners books out there you can read with her, and once she's a little older, you can further explain that though "grammie" said something was okay, that isn't how you behave in your family, and you can have a chance to talk in depth about rules and why manners are so important.

LIGHT UP PRINCESS SHOES!!! I am on the other side of the princess rainbow. My daughter has discovered and is fascinated with princesses. I shamelessly encourage it because sadly, I wish my feet fit into some of those light up slippers. It must be the country/valley girl in me. I don't know, but that is another blog all together!!!

I am a big proponent of setting boundaries with the gift giving. I know, I'm kind of grinchy about it, but as the parent, you are a gatekeeper to what your child is exposed to. If you feel a gift is inappropriate for your child, you can always try the following:

First, graciously thank the gift giver, then let them know that the gift is too "old" for your child, and that you'll be putting it away until she's ready to play with it.

Or, you can let the gift giver know that you so appreciate their generosity, but that you're trying to hold off on exposing your daughter to the sexist world of Disney princesses and that you are fundamentally against anything that is made of plastic.

Okay, maybe best not to totally alienate your family, but I felt the need for a little comic relief with all this heavy parenting stuff!! Another thing you could do would be to let your family know that their presence with your child is more than a gift enough. If that doesn't work and they are still compelled to shower your darling daughter with gifts, direct them on what your daughter likes to play with (and what you are wanting her to play with).

In the end, this will all pass and your little one will be better off for being blessed with having loving family members that surround her as she grows. Having an open and clear dialogue with family about your parenting rules is a great habit to start so that in-laws know what you want them to do.

Good Luck!!

Traveling with Tots

Q: Air travel for 18 hours with a toddler. I realize that your list of "things that are generally not a good idea" contains air travel for more than 20 hours with an infant...but what about a 20 month old for 18 hours? My husband will be in Korea for three months for work next spring, so my daughter and I are planning to go over to see him. I happen to think that the nightmare of travelling alone with a 20 month old to Korea and back is slightly outweighed by Chad and Ella not having to go three whole months without seeing one another. Since I know you did a big trip with your son, I would love to know what you would recommend and/or do differently? Can I tranquilize her? Do I get a seat on the opposite end of the plane and pretend I don't know the screaming child? Please help!

A: You are a daring mom living in the modern world. I did take my son from LA to South Africa when he was only 1 year old, and I still think I shaved a few years off of my life through the sleep deprivation, stress and exhaustion. Traveling with a 20 month old completely by yourself sounds scary, but certainly not impossible. Here are a few of my tips for travel with kids:

1. Recognize that you are going on an ADVENTURE not a VACATION. You're embarking on a great mommy and me adventure into the big wide world. Adventures are filled with the unexpected and challenges. Expect that.

2. Try to schedule the flight that makes the most sense with your child's sleep pattern. Try to make your child as comfortable as possible on the flight. Bring familiar books, blankets, dress her in pajamas if you think that will help.

3. Get the bulkhead seat if possible. The airline will tell you that this seat cannot be reserved, that you have to wait until you check in to get it, do whatever you can to speak to a manager, explain that you'll be traveling alone with a child, and get that seat! If you have it, you can set down a blanket on the floor and have a little play area for your crawler to explore. It won't be much space, but it is much better than nothing.

4. Get your child a seat. I know it's going to be really expensive, but 20 hours is nothing to mess around with. You could get away with not doing this, but I wouldn't chance it.

5. Bring some new books, activities (stickers, coloring books, games, toys, etc.) If you are okay with her watching TV, get a portable DVD player and some DVD's (or find out if the airline has these already and if their programming is appropriate for your child. Also, since you'll be visiting your husband, maybe bring a photo album with pictures of him or a book about where you're going.

One note about the carry on however....try to break up your carry on luggage into two small bags. When I traveled with Blake, I put everything into one of those extra-Extra-Large Lands End bags. I ended up having a heck of a time trying to get anything out because I had over packed so much junk!

6. Before your trip, read your child stories about traveling on an airplane, talk about what you'll be doing, how you'll sleep on the airplane, how you'll behave, etc.

7. Bring snacks and food and treats - whatever you think will be good bribes, bring them. If you don't use them, no problem, but better to have them just in case your child is a picky eater or the food on the flight is absolutely terrible.

8. Pack an extra shirt for yourself in your carry on- with kids especially - accidents happen.

9. Definitely try to get a direct flight. I had thought a lay over was a good idea when we went to South Africa, it WASN'T! Though the thought of being trapped on an airplane for 20 hours seems frightening, lay overs just add to the length of your trip. The sooner you get there, the better.

10. Make a plan with your husband to have him and your daughter spend some quality time together when you arrive so you can go promptly to the spa to relax!

I know there are thousands of other travel tips, but these seemed like a good start. This will undoubtedly be a very exciting trip for you and your child, and surely one you won't forget!! Take pictures and video to remind her of her trip to Korea, and have fun. When in doubt, a good laugh will go a long way.