Sledgehammer

I thought I might just get a chance to break down a door today.  It was locked and blocking me from my next step and I thought, rather than work slowly, painfully, without any hope, maybe I’ll just get that sledgehammer and break the door down.  It will be expensive, it will cause a lot of damage, but I’ll get that immediate solution I’m yearning for and a freedom from being blocked.  Jamming my fist against the door, my arms, my legs, and rattling the foundation of the house I realized; this is exactly how I feel in my life.  I want the quick cure. My life is blocked by a door and it keeps stopping me from doing the things I want to, and I am tired of being locked out.  I keep trying and trying and reading and working and still coming up against this door that is stopping my son and it keeps getting worse as he gets older.  We make progress, true.  But there are always these locked doors with no relief in sight.  I want my child to recover.  And if I could do a quick fix, make a change that would elicit results to get us to recovery;  I would do that and more without hesitation.  

I didn’t break down the door.  I desperately wanted to, wanted to see if I could take my temper that far out and demolish what was blocking me.  Instead, I used a grocery store coupon card.  Thanks to the advice of my husband, I worked it back and forth.  Saw no hope of making progress, just jammed it into a space and made it fit.  Kept pushing, shoving, and muscling slowly until the card popped the door open at last.  The lesson?  Get new door hardware in the house.    

Personal Trends for 2013 - a discussion

5 Personal Trends for 2013

Last week I had the opportunity to read "10 Crucial Consumer Trends for 2013"from Trendwatching.com.  If you're dying to know what trends they're predicting for the year ahead check out the link to the article at the bottom of this blog post.


The article got me thinking about what could be written about MY trends for 2013.  What would a biographer, a gossip magazine or even a video countdown record about YOU and YOUR trends for the year ahead?  What will your trends or habits be; and what changes would an outside observer predict for you?  Over the past 10 years I've had trends spike, come out strong and drop off completely,  or even begin with a creeping and grow into a mass that suffocated everything else. Some trends were grossly influential but brief; bottle feeding, newborn sleeping strategies, teething strategies.  And some trends have been evolving but permanent in their presence; mothering styles, marriage styles.

Here are a few examples of personal trends for the year ahead:

1. Diaper bag- OUT Adult purse- IN!!!  My kids are finally potty trained.  Now that they are also in school most days and mostly able to feed themselves wherever we go, I FINALLY am lacking a legitimate need for the diaper bag.  I have taken jaunts around town with kids with only a box of raisins as my support for them.  Liberating is a grossly ineffective term to describe how freeing this feeling is. 

2. Lip gloss- OUT  Lip stain- IN!
With kids in school, the opportunity to shower, dry my hair AND do my makeup have moved from The "highly unlikely"category of events (meaning that these actions typically occurred on vacation or date night) into the "highly likely"category of events.  I am clean - usually - and have an opportunity to enjoy the wonders of makeup.  I'm a big fan of the lip stain, and as I am still getting associated with the act of dressing myself, I also associating myself with the practice of reapplication.  A lip stain may be crumbling off your lips at 5pm, but I feel more confident with that look than without any evidence of lip love at all.  Hey, at least I tried right?

3.Magic Mommy Playstation- OUT, After-school Activity Circus- IN!
The days of coming up with ideas out of thin air, filling the long afternoon stretches with some inspired, educational, and entertaining idea to keep the kids engaged while counting the minutes until my husband would open the front door still occur, but they are the exception rather than the rule now.  Moments without structure, without somewhere to be or something to prepare for are evaporating from our filling family calendar, giving me time to really think more about lip stains. 

4. Saying whatever you want in front of your kids - OUT.  Utilizing your 4 year old to police your family - IN.
"Mommy, you can't start driving!  You DON'T have your seat belt on!!!!"
"Dad, we don't use the word HATE.  It's not a kind word"
Parenting has called me to try and become a better version of myself.  And in case I forget all the lofty goals I've set for my children, I have a 4 year old to remind me what is and what is not allowed in our home.  We can no longer swear or gossip in safety.  I have policed our family into a corner, and hopefully it will help get me closer to being the person I want my kids to model.   We are teaching our daughter to spell, so soon spelling the words we shouldn't be using anyhow is going to be out too.  Parenting, the ultimate lesson in accountability.  OY!!!

5. Being overly reactive to your spouse - OUT.  Choosing your battles and communicating clearly - IN.  
I've been working on this for a long time.  I'll be working on this for a long time.  I'll likely never master this one, but I hope to improve as time wears on.  I'm better at responding to challenges with my spouse than I have been in the past.  And I really think we are getting to the place where he understands that everything I say and do is right, even if it is wrong when I do it and then I admit it, I'm still right in some double-negative, crazy lady, ultra awesome wife type of way.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Everything I just wrote after the third sentence in this paragraph was a ruse to see if my spouse actually read this.

So here are some initial musings on what I am hoping to trend towards this year....what are some of your trends?  Your realities?  Your aspirations?  What choices are you going to make to trend towards something you want and away from what you don't want?  What is your life giving you that is causing a trend to emerge or diminish? I hope you find something great in every day this year has for you.  As promised, here is the link to the article that started this line of thinking......

http://www.trendwatching.com/trends/10trends2013/

Trying something NEW for the new year....

I am probably at my strongest poetically up on a microphone when no one is really listening closely.  However, I thought I'd try something new.. a little poem for the New Year.   While it is true that in recent years I've grown to shy away from change, my love of traditions eclipses this habit and allows me to really enjoy the New Year holiday.  The idea that next year at this time, things will be different, I will have grown and life will have changed excites me today.   Let me know what you think of the poem below......

Beginning

Deep breathing, new believing, digging in or leaving, chest heaving

Finding hope, finding love, shaking off, growing up

Starting over, re-beginning, holding treasures from your winning

Letting it go but reining it in, opening slow, touching the skin

Of the new beginning, of the new day, of this moment when I hear you say:

“Good morning!” 

It’s a new world, the race is on, the lights are green, become a swan

Hoping for more, hoping for most. Living in present, leaving the ghost

Of old days, of old hands, of things said, of broken plans

It is a new beginning.

There is fear, there are guts, there is bravery here with us

A fresh new old me and new old you trying to be who we said we would be to

One another and all of the other one another’s we made promises for

Feet on the floor, open the door.  It is January with a zero score,

It is time for a new beginning.

8 go-to pieces of advice used all year long...

Before 2012 comes to a close, I thought it might be nice to do a quick wrap up of some of my favorite pieces of advice.  Some were used more frequently this year than others; some are simply re-worded classics that seem to always find a way to be applicable.

1. Advice is typically free for a reason.  Therefore, consider the source (and how informed your source is on the matter at hand) prior to application.

Like that?  How I did that there?  Yes, this is a worthwhile blurb, and yes, it is also a disclaimer, right there at the top of this post.  I do love the opportunity to multi-task!

2. It is nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.  This is on a sign at my daughter's preschool.  While I find myself struggling (maybe even clawing) for glory, kudos, and overall adulation from time to time, I know in my core that being known as important isn't actually what I am striving for.  In the end, I would rather be known as a nice person.

3. People would rather be around a happy host (or hostess as the case may be) than be in a spotless home.  A casual poll that I took taught me that if you are going to skip something, consider skipping sweeping up the floor since it will get dirty anyhow and people are rarely examining your floor when they visit.  This Thanksgiving and throughout the Christmas season, I've struggled to put the dustpan away and simply smile and enjoy the company of my guests, and I try to remind myself that no one wants to watch someone else clean.  Someday I may have a home that is spotless, but I'm not going to put time with friends and family on hold until that day.

5.  Relax!  It is not your job to judge others.  You may be a splendid judger, picker apart-er, passive down-looker, but guess what???  You're spending all of your time doing something you are COMPLETELY unqualified to do AND a negative task that no one wants you to do.    Scour the want ads, there is no one looking to fill this position.  It is hard (understatement) to keep from getting lured into judging how others do what they do, what they're wearing when they do it and how their kids behave.  However, once you back away from judging others, you can focus on what a terrific job you are doing on you, and let others live how they would like to live.

6. Be kind.  90% of the time it is the right decision. 

7.  Fly your Freak Flag (when you can).  We are all so unique.  Every person on this earth is an individual, and sometimes when you celebrate your individuality, you allow a space for others to feel comfortable to celebrate theirs.  DISCLAIMER:  Obviously, if you feel your individuality is celebrated best by nudity -for example- then don't celebrate it when you pick up your kids from school.  Also consider how your individuality works with your career, and maybe share your "special" in a place that seems the most appropriate.

8. If you're not having FUN, you're doing it wrong.
This has become my mantra.  I like to tell myself this when I'm in traffic, having a less than perfect day, or getting myself tangled up in things that really don't matter.  Life is short (though it can feel very long) and if you can keep your focus on enjoying what you're doing, or planning things that you will enjoy while you're doing something you really don't enjoy, then you'll probably get a lot more out of life than you would otherwise.

Happy Holidays!

Holiday Letter to Myself....

 

This year, before I begin to look like the crazed holiday mother and bitter Emily elf, 

I'm writing a list of reminders for myself during the holiday season....

During the holiday season, please try to do the following:

1. Enjoy time with your family.  This means not interrupting conversations to sweep up cheerios or fix a child's hair.  This means listening to the family members you love so much and what they have to say.  This means "taking it all in"and enjoying events while they are actually happening rather than after they have passed and you examine what could have been improved upon.

2. Try your best to not go crazy with gifts.
As a self proclaimed shopaholic and prideful consumer, this one is tough.  I love gifts.  I love giving gifts, and I really, truly love getting swept up in the whirlwind of Christmas spending.  Historically I have been the woman in the mall carrying 40 lbs of merchandise and shopping for more while wondering how I might fit all of my treasures in the car.  That's me.  And then, I am also the person who is overwhelmed by the suffocating volume of "stuff"and toys that my children have.  I have only two feet, however I have over 50 pairs of shoes.  Why?  This year, I need to reign it in to the best of my ability so that I can return to #1 on my list.  How can I enjoy time with my family and friends when I've filled up my day with purchasing goods that need to be wrapped, gifted, set up, thrown away and eventually disposed of? 

3. Remember how lucky you are and the wonderful things that have happened this year.
This one is pretty self explanatory, but since I'm not doing excessive shopping, I suppose I'll have to make up for that with excessive communication.  I have already fought off a case of the holiday blues, which I know comes to many out there. The holidays are a marker for me and they throw me into a kaleidoscope of old memories.  Some memories are joyful ones, however there are many that make me feel sad.  Looking back at holiday time through the parent in her mid-thirties lens, with the distance and delusion that time provides can allow me to be less objective and not as favorable when examining holidays of the past.  There is a time and place for re-examination, and I know that no matter how hard I fight it, I will feel a little sad around this time as I try to process how much has happened over the years.  My hope is that I'll be able to temper this grief with the reminder that this season is one of joy, that this year we can celebrate many wonderful victories, positive growth, and the wonderful events that the that the passage of time has also allowed us to enjoy.

4. Do what you can and save the rest for years to come.
The holidays present us with wonderful opportunities, but if every opportunity is not seized, the world will still turn and my children will not be permanently scarred.  If my autistic son can't tolerate the holiday brunch at the country club, that's OK.  If he can't handle going on a train to see Santa, that's OK too.  If we don't have the perfectly timed Christmas Eve celebration and one kid is in sweatpants while the other is wearing a flower girl dress rather than her "Christmas outfit".  That is OK too.  There will be other years.  The kids are getting older, and despite my wondering if it would ever occur, they are growing in their independence.  There will be years when they sit at the table, wear shoes, eat their meals and contribute to our conversations at holiday dinners.  So if I miss a holiday opportunity, or if one simply won't work for our family, it will be OK, we will try for it next year.

Cheers to you and your holiday season....I hope your days are filled with small moments of holiday magic and  that whatever you do you are surrounded by love.

Happy Holidays!
 

Laugh out loud

When life is getting you down , and you feel like you're being "punk'd", it is important to have access to a good laugh. It sounds insane, but sometimes, I feel like when there is nothing you can do about your circumstances, the effervescence of a good laugh can offer a temporary lifeline.  Laughter can allow you to bubble out some of  that negativity inside and get it outside.  It can reset you from one manner of thinking and offer you an opportunity to start over to try a brighter approach.  Laughter is not a cure-all, it isn't always appropriate, and sometimes, it is downright impossible.  However, when it is available (and appropriate) it can offer a little reprieve from whatever storm you're weathering. 

I found this picture online this weekend, and I keep remembering it throughout my days. I don't know why I think this is so funny, but this image for some reason caused me to laugh out loud multiple times and send it to a number of friends.  Is it because I'm imagining giraffes going to a bar and over indulging?  Is it because I've been party to a situation where this type of thing has happened and it was really funny?  Is it because it's a pretty ridiculous notion overlaid on a silly photo?  I don't know, but I can't help but laugh when I see it, and that is why I am saving this image, along with a number of funny memories in my go to "funny file".  Life is ridiculous and laughter is free, so why not keep a file of things that make you laugh?

The image is from www.lolsnaps.com which I had never seen before this weekend and don't know much about so please don't hold me to any direct association with what is on their website.  Hope you are able to find something that tickles your funny bone and makes you laugh out loud today and throughout the week. 

We're all in this together

My son started Kindergarten this month.  It wasn't the Kindergarten class I wanted him to be in, but it was the right class for him.  He's autistic, and could not be in the general education kindergarten class, so he is in the special day kindergarten class for kids with autism.  But this post isn't actually about autism.  It's about us.  By us, I mean all sentient beings here on the earth.  So if you're reading this, you're included in the "us". 

I know I've read this before, and seen it on tv shows.  It has been said in a variety of ways, well over 1,000 times, however, I feel it's important to repeat it:

 "We're all in this together"

I am going to try and remember that when I feel compelled to speak disparagingly about others, when I'm angered by people who aren't being sensitive to my needs and my situation, when I get cut off, rear-ended, or pushed in a line, but mostly, when I speak.  Sometimes I think about women, and how we have such incredible powers.  The ability to multi-task, to create children, to love and to calm.  But we also have the uncanny ability to undermine, compete, judge, compete, and disparage others.  It is so easy, and so enjoyable when you do it, but it is so counter to our goals in most situations.  Men, women, all of us are in this world together, and if we all started operating with that in mind, with a bit more grace and patience, how much better would things be?  I know we are all looking out for our needs and that getting our needs met is key to our survival.  I also recognize that we can't all be #1, we can't all get the slice of cake with the flower on it, and that I can't expect other moms who have never had a special needs child to not be freaked out when they see autism in action.  But I can remember that "we are all in this together" and another person's inability to understand my situation doesn't really matter.  That person may have a host of other things happening in their life that keep them from being more kind-hearted.  What does matter is how I behave and encourage and educate, because no matter what, we can't live in a bubble with our kids, and we all have to work together in some way to achieve the goals we set.