Follow Your Gut

Follow your gut is a popular piece of advice in mom world.  It's even higher on the greatest hits list in autism or special needs mom's world.  You hear this piece of advice for women's safety, children's safety and essentially as an overall fallback when choices are more gray.

There is a delicate/indelicate dance going on here with this advice for some families however.  Between exploring new treatments, supplements, therapies and balancing what works.  Over the years, I've found myself in a number of contradictions.  Listen to your gut vs. never give up on your child.  It would seem from the 1,000 foot view that these two directives would not be mutually exclusive, but, they are.  If my gut is terrified of trying something new, or is responding to the negative outcomes from said new treatment, I’ve yet to encounter a para-professional that responds:

“You’re right mom, your gut is right! Our new, life changing treatment we thought would work is wrong.” 

 

  Rather, I hear a lot of:

“Give it time.”  

 

 Or just general and polite implications that the reason why their treatment is upsetting my gut is for another reason (environmental factors,  parent failure, alien invasion…etc.).

The number of times you get told you don’t fit as a parent of a kid with a condition that is unexplainable is really, painfully high.  When it comes from the outside, “normal kid” world, it is expected.  When it comes at the end of yet another time consuming, emotionally and financially exhausting therapy or treatment, it sucks.  We are all super special, unique, quixotic, whatever.  We each are miracles of God’s creation and this will be the only time each of us will be here in this format.  The most true answer I have found in this quagmire of parenting is “I don’t know.” 

So, if a parent is trusting their gut, and it doesn't look "right" to you,  maybe take a beat, and ask yourself if maybe, that parent might know a bit more about their kiddo than you do.

Numbers + Vent =

Thank you state testing results for reminding me how academically delayed my child is.  Thanks SO much for that handy bar chart ranking him at the bottom. That was super helpful as a visual.

I get it.  There are many reasons to test special education.  Not everyone receives the same results and every student should be counted.  The data has value, I assume, and our depressing results are ours, not everyone's.  I don't want to change the system, I just want to vent.  Similar to stepping on a scale to affirm what you know but avoid; or looking in the mirror at an aging face, or getting a crappy credit score or low bank account - numbers can hurt.

You have cancer? Then you probably have thousands of examples  you can recall of numbers hurting.  You ever compete in sports; numbers hurt, scores can hurt.  Not getting the results you want SUCKS.

I don not consider myself to be in denial about my son's autism.  It is accepted and praised, and loved in our household.  But, when I have to recognize hard truths, that still sucks.  Filling out the new intake form for a therapeutic or medical professional sucks.  Re-visiting dates of first smile, walking, crawling, all the milestones that tracked perfectly and then all of the ones we still haven't hit, breaks my heart a little every time.  Revisiting the perfect, easy pregnancy and labor and then trying to answer; "What do you think caused this delay in your child" - gives me very strong profanity/ middle finger vibes.  I appreciate this question's value as in certain cases it a parent could have an answer that informs the therapeutic process.  Since I am NOT living in that case, I go towards sarcasm which while it immediately entertains me, I'm sure isn't really helping anyone.  But since this is a blog, here are some of my possible answer candidates:

• Because I'm a terrible person
• Bad Karma (I actually did put this one down)
• The universe hates me
• God has a different plan for us
• I am a terrible mother
• I have no idea, but would love to know...

I know in my heart, we all have those days / moments when the crap tornado blows through your home (or life), and that this minor storm was mine.  It's moved on, and I'm back to the wonders of the day to day which are plentiful.  Hopefully though, my vent helps you vent, or laugh or just think about numbers in a different way.  Perhaps the next time a number that isn't the one you want bonks you in the ear, you'll think of me, and my karma and know that though you're disappointed you are certainly not alone. 

Let's Get Physical - and what to expect when you get there

Disclaimer:  I used to cry in PE.  Well, I used to fake cry a lot.  I would use any skill in my dramatic arsenal to be excused from running.  I was a PE weasel.  I can admit it now, 30 years later.  I tried to claim asthma, severe cramps, ANYTHING to not have to run, or even exert myself physically.  I would envy a peer's broken leg, and wish for anything to derail me from the dreaded short run around the field.  I'm sure this has ensured tons of karma kickbacks along the way, and it makes my current day to day exercise routine that much more unexpected.  Historically, I have not been keen on exercise.  The fact that I do it as often as I do, and have tried so many classes in the area is nothing short of semi-unbelievable, but what can I say; "'Expect the Unexpected''!!!!

I recently had a mom ask me about my experiences with different classes in the area so I thought, why not share a little wrap up of what I've learned so far.  If you don't have a lot of time, and are interested in trying something new, but are scared of what to expect, read on for a lazy convert's review of spots where you can sweat in the OC:

YAS - Yoga & Spin classes.  Very conveniently located and typically on the easier side to attend classes last minute as they aren't terribly full and are so frequent.  This is a good spot for beginners as they have classes that can be adapted to different levels and the mix of people is a bit more diverse than other more intense studios.  The YAS classes (1/2 yoga, 1/2 spin) are a good full body workout and leave you all stretched out and worked out.  They offer great packages and monthly specials so you can get your class cost down to $11 or even lower at times.  A good starter spot, good for people with schedules all over the place who need to pop in last minute, and good for people who need a more affordable spin option.
BRING: Spin shoes, water, a towel (you'll have to buy one otherwise), yoga mat and yoga towel if you take the yoga classes.

Full Psycle - Spin classes.  More intense than Yas, some good instructors, dark-ish room.  The theory is that everyone's output from the bike is on the board so you work to beat the person ahead of you.  I didn't like it because  I was on the bottom and felt bad putting someone else there, BUT, that could just be me.  Go early to your first class to get set up and pre-register ahead of time!
BRING: Spin shoes, water, possibly towels ---it's been a while since I went!

RA Yoga- I love this place.  I've been going for a few years and am pretty biased because I've been there so much.  When you try your first class, you get the rest of your first week free.  But come prepared!  Hot yoga is sweaty. You're welcome for the obvious note. Try a Hot Ra class if you're new to hot yoga, or call them about a beginner class.  The strength classes are an awesome workout, but they do take up a lot of time considering you need to get there a bit early and you'll definitely need a shower after.  So hard and awesome though.
BRING - yoga mat, towel for yoga mat (so your sweaty feet don't slip all over the place), towel to wipe your sweat, and water.  Come a few minutes early for your first class and if you haven't done it before, just set your goal to stay for the whole class.  Shockingly you will get addicted to what seems like torture - crazy but true.

Radiant Hot Yoga- I blame groupon on this one.  And possibly too much wine the night before.  This spot is serious about hot yoga in a swamp.  I took a few classes here and had to quit.  They add steam and heat in some classes and I truly thought I was going to die.  Everyone leaving the class looked like they were walking out of a swimming pool.  I thought a fireball was going to burst out of my chest and melt the rest of me. Not good for me, but if you feel like you need your hot yoga hot hot hot, check it out.  I got trapped in the studio, and am still so embarrassed about leaving early (major yoga no no).
BRING- yoga mat, yoga towel, water, towel for your face, and plan to shower afterwards, maybe bring a towel to sit on as you drive home cause you gonna be STINKY!!

Grit Cycle- Holy workout tribe.  This spot is next level.  I went to class late for my first class and the entire room was so pitch black, I am pretty sure I annoyed everyone in the room and almost broke a toe.  Get there early for your first time, parking is not easy and you need the intel from the pretty front desk gals.  The room is very dark (pitch black ish) at the start of class and the room steams up as the class progresses.  Be prepared to see people exercising at a level that is beautiful and disturbing all in one sweet package.  I thought I was kind of being hazed and hugged at the same time.  Instructors are mostly terrific (exceptions are the instructors-in-training) and the lemon/heaven scented cool towel you're given at the end of class feels other-worldly.
BRING:  Your party pants, spin shoes, water and a plan to shower afterwards, prepare to get WERKed.

SoulCycle- The hype is real.  I attended a hip hop Friday class that made me feel like queen of the dance floor - on a bike.  Very pricey, few to no specials at this spot.  The crowd is fancy but oddly more mixed than the usual 17th street workout crews.  The classes are very good, and hard, and the walls steam up and the instructors motivate you to work even when you want to quit.  Fancy and worth it, but hard to sustain on a budget.
BRING: water, spin shoes, and an open heart.

Orange Theory Fitness- High intensity interval training with heart rate monitors.  Running, rowing and weight training.  If you are looking to do an all over body workout and burn calories, this is your spot.  There is tons of accountability built in to the class assisted by the heart rate monitors, and sometimes you feel like you got your groove and workout on.  Endorphin high is definitely a possibility here, but the crowd can be intense, so bring your workout apparel A-game if you care.  They do have packages, which can make this less of a budget buster, and you will see results.  I used to say I only ran when I was being chased, but that isn't true any more because of the instructors at these classes.  This spot has also been the scene of  many an injury, so don't drink so much OTF kool-aid that you pull your hammy.
BRING: water, a towel and running shoes - come a few minutes early and sign up beforehand.  I have the app on my phone now, but there are some classes you can drop into during the less than peak times.

The 12- This place has community, and if you aren't a big high 5-er, you will become a mini-5er (or, at least a fit bumper) with your group.  The workouts cycle through the room and can be adapted to your level.  Instructors, and the group you workout with will push you as well.  You see it all here, high fitness to new fitness to no fitness, its a mixed bag and not as "sceney" as some other spots can be.  You end up doing 12 exercises in all at 3, 4 or 6 stations on rotations that will make your muscles say HELLO DOLLY.  You will not sweat as much as you may during other classes but you will get stronger, and feel that muscle grow and start to burn your bits and pieces.  I was a fan of adding in the classes 1 to 2 times a week.  The first class and subsequent week is free here, and they have good packages and specials. Be careful of your body here, and don't get hurt trying to get fit.  #COUNTERPRODUCTIVE
BRING:  athletic shoes and water, they have towels and all the equipment you need.

Poof ---- Halloween Historical

I'm feeling nostalgic today and thinking it would be a good time to look back.  Things have been going well with the people that came out of my belly, and that is when I find nostalgia to be positive rather than disarmingly harmful.  Looking back after days that are hard skews my perspective so much, it's hard to know what the point is of any of it.  

Blake's first real Halloween, where we attempted trick or treating, he bit me so hard I still have a scar from it 7 years later.  He wanted to go into the house.  Of the stranger we had never even seen before.  He was not interested in saying trick-or-treat, not interested in the candy, and he was not interested in walking back through the crowd of kids behind him.  He probably figured hiding under the couch in a strangers house looked safer than "out there" with all of the noisy, excited trick-or-treaters.   It was horrible.  The bite really hurt, and I know I'm going to sound like a huge weenie, but it hurt a lot.  He got me good, and to be fair, he had tried other ways to tell me he had other plans for the evening and I pushed him to have the super weird "normal" Halloween experience, so I get where he was coming from.

It's taken a few years, but this year, we may actually get closer to the ''normal''-ish  Halloween experience.   Over the past two years, we've been able to pull him in his wagon as we go around our neighborhood.  If he wants to, he can go up to the door, and if he doesn't he doesn't have to.  We have popcorn and other sensory supports in the wagon, and we are set to go around the neighborhood with friends who he is really comfortable with.  I'm feeling optimistic.  But mostly, I'm feeling grateful.  Because it has been a long and bumpy journey thus far, and I'm happy to be where we are now, instead of where we were back then.  Blake isn't running away, and he's been stopping when we call him to stop, so I'm very grateful for that.  His functional language continues to improve, so he can express preferences that are known, so that is another point in the outings category.  And finally, he seems to enjoy being with kids more now.  He's not ready for a rave, and we are still going to struggle in novel, loud activities, but through painful training, he has become more adaptable and seems to actually enjoy being around other kids right now. 

I still continue to have no idea where his story is going, but I'm not quite as scared about it as I used to be.  Maybe that is just wishful thinking, but I know that worry isn't going to help him, and is only going to fry me faster.  

So happy Halloween to all, and hopefully you experience some wins and fun tonight! 

All I need is a miracle....

I find myself asking for a miracle, then correcting myself, and rather, asking for another miracle.  I’ve been granted many already.  And while I wouldn’t say I’ve wasted them, there is doubtless room for improvement on my part at receiving them.  Being born (I’d wager that was miracle one for me).  And a myriad of others granted prior to the time I turned 18.  Olivia being healthy and recovering from her surgery – another biggie I begged for.   

Now I want another one, and am self-aware enough to realize, I’d be lying if I said this would be my last miracle request.  I want Blake to be cured from Autism.  I want him to miraculously snap into being a boy with a brain that works in the world at large.  I want to have autism be over.  For this part of my life to grow old, into a distant memory of; “ Oh, remember those years…oh boy, they were something.”.  I would be completely unprepared for this miracle to happen, and likely would be in utter disbelief if it did occur.  And looking around at life today, I wonder if I may not get the miracle I’m looking for, but possibly a number of others over time.

Maybe my miracle will be granted one eye-contact, one appropriate phrase, one teeny-tiny, molecular step at a time.  Or, maybe the miracle will not be in getting what I’ve requested, and the life that follows will be the miracle.  I don’t know, as there is no miracle hotline and I don’t have a delorian to visit the future.  So for now, I am sitting with my long list of requests, but trying to keep my eyes open to see when they are granted.  To not miss the miracles that are given every day and meant to be relished and shared.  Like the pink clouds at sunset, or roaring laughter, or the small ones, the just- for- you miracles – moments that squeeze your heart and give you chills. 

And then, there are many that would say; his autism IS your miracle.  And "they" would be right.  Because it has taken me to insane places, put me in the path of incredible people and truly changed my life so far.  This experience has pulled my heart out of my chest, stretched it to the sky and thrown it down a rabbit hole and tied that heart right back together to put it in my chest for another day.  So I get that I'm selfish, short sighted and overall a terrible person for the miracle request, but at least I'm being truthful.  

When was your last miracle?  Which ones are at the top of your list?  Which ones are you grateful were not granted?