Laugh out loud

When life is getting you down , and you feel like you're being "punk'd", it is important to have access to a good laugh. It sounds insane, but sometimes, I feel like when there is nothing you can do about your circumstances, the effervescence of a good laugh can offer a temporary lifeline.  Laughter can allow you to bubble out some of  that negativity inside and get it outside.  It can reset you from one manner of thinking and offer you an opportunity to start over to try a brighter approach.  Laughter is not a cure-all, it isn't always appropriate, and sometimes, it is downright impossible.  However, when it is available (and appropriate) it can offer a little reprieve from whatever storm you're weathering. 

I found this picture online this weekend, and I keep remembering it throughout my days. I don't know why I think this is so funny, but this image for some reason caused me to laugh out loud multiple times and send it to a number of friends.  Is it because I'm imagining giraffes going to a bar and over indulging?  Is it because I've been party to a situation where this type of thing has happened and it was really funny?  Is it because it's a pretty ridiculous notion overlaid on a silly photo?  I don't know, but I can't help but laugh when I see it, and that is why I am saving this image, along with a number of funny memories in my go to "funny file".  Life is ridiculous and laughter is free, so why not keep a file of things that make you laugh?

The image is from www.lolsnaps.com which I had never seen before this weekend and don't know much about so please don't hold me to any direct association with what is on their website.  Hope you are able to find something that tickles your funny bone and makes you laugh out loud today and throughout the week. 

We're all in this together

My son started Kindergarten this month.  It wasn't the Kindergarten class I wanted him to be in, but it was the right class for him.  He's autistic, and could not be in the general education kindergarten class, so he is in the special day kindergarten class for kids with autism.  But this post isn't actually about autism.  It's about us.  By us, I mean all sentient beings here on the earth.  So if you're reading this, you're included in the "us". 

I know I've read this before, and seen it on tv shows.  It has been said in a variety of ways, well over 1,000 times, however, I feel it's important to repeat it:

 "We're all in this together"

I am going to try and remember that when I feel compelled to speak disparagingly about others, when I'm angered by people who aren't being sensitive to my needs and my situation, when I get cut off, rear-ended, or pushed in a line, but mostly, when I speak.  Sometimes I think about women, and how we have such incredible powers.  The ability to multi-task, to create children, to love and to calm.  But we also have the uncanny ability to undermine, compete, judge, compete, and disparage others.  It is so easy, and so enjoyable when you do it, but it is so counter to our goals in most situations.  Men, women, all of us are in this world together, and if we all started operating with that in mind, with a bit more grace and patience, how much better would things be?  I know we are all looking out for our needs and that getting our needs met is key to our survival.  I also recognize that we can't all be #1, we can't all get the slice of cake with the flower on it, and that I can't expect other moms who have never had a special needs child to not be freaked out when they see autism in action.  But I can remember that "we are all in this together" and another person's inability to understand my situation doesn't really matter.  That person may have a host of other things happening in their life that keep them from being more kind-hearted.  What does matter is how I behave and encourage and educate, because no matter what, we can't live in a bubble with our kids, and we all have to work together in some way to achieve the goals we set.

Convicted

At church yesterday morning, I got called out. No one around me realized it, but I was very, truly convicted. The message was surrounding the parable of "The Good Samaritan" if you haven't read it, check it out, it is a doozy (Luke, Ch. 10 verses 30-37).

I see homeless people and I do not help them. I see people in need, and I help when it is convenient or when the person in need looks the way I want them to.

I started working again (HOORAY!) and my work has pulled me out of the small, affluent bubble of Newport Beach and into the view of people in need of help. I am a highly sensitive person. Those of you who know me would likely agree that "highly sensitive" is a bit of an understatement. So, when I see people in need, or I pretend NOT to see them, I know I am doing wrong. I get so busy and wrapped up in my own life, my own struggles, sometimes I am so closed to those around me who need help. I know it is wrong, it hurts my heart even as I'm doing it, but in recent years, I've created a habit of doing it anyhow.

I am also a task master. I love to "do" and I like a challenge. So here are the questions I asked myself upon being completely convicted at church and motivated to "do" something about it.
1. How can I be prepared to help someone in need?
2. How can I do it in a way that will be effective?
3. How can I do it in a way that won't take me so far out of my comfort zone that am scared to do it when the time comes?

I know myself, and I am far more effective with attainable goals than shooting for the stars. There are safety issues, and I realize my limits. I'm not going to be able to do what the Good Samaritan did, but if I can do something small, and build that habit, that has to be better than nothing, right?

My answer to the challenge?

"The Emily Norton not-a-super but a here-you-go pac"
Inside a small ziploc baggie:
$5
a bottle of water
a granola bar

I figure the whole thing will cost me about $200 for a certain number of "pac"s that I can keep in my car for easy access. We'll see how well this works. After church, I went to get fuel for the car and I happened upon 2 homeless men outside of the gas station. One of the men had a cell phone, making me sincerely question what I was doing in offering him food, but I brushed my doubt (masking my desire to feel justified for not doing ANYTHING) and walked up to the men. I asked them if they wanted any food or money. They wanted money. So I gave them the $6 in my wallet. Life-changing ministry moment? No, but a definite start. My thought is that if I can bundle up money ($1 seemed too low and I can't depend on myself to carry cash) with food, then it could be a win-win. I'm not giving only money, but I'm also not giving only food (which I've found is typically rejected when offered on its own).

Doing something, for me, is truly energizing. I hope this works and I hope this inspires you to do something too. Whether it be helping someone you know or finding a way to "do" whatever it is that challenges you.

I just want to crawl into a hole....

em·bar·rass

verb (used with object) 1. to cause confusion and shame to; make uncomfortably self-conscious; disconcert;


Oh yes, it was all of those things. I don't typically do really embarrassing stuff, or, I should say, I don't typically get overly embarrassed - there is a chance others observe my behavior and feel I should be embarrassed, but I am not. But this week, this very week, I did something that was so so sooooooooo embarrassing. It got me thinking about all of the strategies I have implemented in the past to ease myself out of uncomfortable, embarrassing situations. Most of these techniques were used honed during my middle school and high school years, but I feel like they still apply today.

The first and most effective way to diffuse an embarrassing situation is to laugh at yourself. I know others think that you should simply "not be embarrassed" which works in some cases, but if you truly are red-in-the-face, I want to crawl in a hole embarrassed, I think this strategy is pretty pathetic. So, in cases of extreme embarrassment, I have found that saying to whomever is around;

"Oh, I am so embarrassed."

Is actually the most effective response. At least now you've said what is on your mind and hopefully caused your audience to have a kernel of sympathy for you.

You can always try the "laugh it off" strategy. This works in certain cases quite well, and can help to bring a little lightness to a situation. It can also help you to model the behavior you want from those around you. If you don't think the event was that big of a deal/ devastating/ humiliating / etc. it stands to reason that your audience will respond in kind.

And then, there is the "pretend it never happened" strategy. This strategy probably works best when your audience is a child under the age of 2 or a group of complete strangers you will likely never see again. However, when used in any other situations, this strategy will only keep others from talking about the event to you, it will probably not keep them from thinking about it every time they see you and wondering why you are unable to admit what happened. This may be a good short term strategy, or a good response to a minor event, but probably won't work in the long term, and could make the embarrassing happening more important than it needs to be.

Do you have any strategies for countering the desire to crawl into a hole? I hope you do, and I hope that you use them with grace. In the mean time, I'll try to get back to being a person who doesn't embarrass herself all the time!

Just Breathe

It kind of cracks me up that the thing that can help you most to focus your mind, become more flexible, meditate, calm yourself, clear your mind, and shift perspective is something that you do pretty much involuntarily. What does that mean?

Breathing, focusing on your breath, "breathing into it", and taking "cleansing breaths" have been effective tools for me over the past few years.

Child screaming at operatic levels in supermarket? Deep breath.

Mindless chatter, negative thoughts, and football game blaring in the background? Breathe.

Poop on the carpet? Deep breath (s).

Matchbox car thrown at your head? Breathe.

Trying to enjoy the minute of silence before you need to dive back into the chaos of dropping off, picking up, errands, work, friends, neighbors, teachers and family? Just breathe.

Its free, its good for you, and it can offer a little reprieve or even a reverie in your day.

Now, back to the fray....

Advice evolved

In my 20's, during a period of time where I considered dating a bit of a sport, I used to joke with friends a lot about relationships. My favorite saying at the time was that:

"Communication was the root of all evil"

I know, it is pretty impractical, and is a pretty good indicator of just how superficial many of the relationships I had were. While the "Communication is the root of all evil" strategy was effective for dating a lot of people at one time, and certainly a workable strategy for a person who isn't sure of who she is and where she's going, for my current stage in life, it is certainly a perscription for misunderstandings and frustration.

Obviously, marriage, life experience, and a little frustration cured me of such a flimsy strategy, and I've been giving some thought lately to my current approach. For better or worse, I have become a

"Rip off the band-aid" person. When faced with crises, challenges, or even simple decisions, I'm finding that dealing with what is in front of me in the most effective way possible seems to work out well. It frees me up to enjoy the benefits of good decisions, and quickly deal with the aftermath of bad decisions I've made. We have such limited control over our lives, why not deal with what we can and enjoy our circumstances to the best of our ability? Just an idea for you advice seekers out there, whatever your stage in life, I hope you have a good approach and a lot of enjoyment.

An interview with a GREAT source of advice....

One of the people I go to for truly great advice and informed counsel is my incredibly talented sister-in-law; Courtney. Because she always shares such incredible insight, and has a job where she actually counsels parents, I thought an interview with her might be a help to some you out there….

So here it is, an interview with the one and only….Courtney Norton

ME: Can you please describe your job?

CN: I am a therapist at The Child Guidance Center in Santa Ana. I work with three different programs within our clinic:

1) Child Abuse Prevention Program where we provide individual, family, group therapy, parent-education and life-skill services to families that are referred by the Orange County Social Services agency for reasons related to child abuse and/or neglect.

2) The second is a program targeting children who have suffered through any type of violence and trauma. Through this program we are able to offer individual counseling to address emotionally related problems, learning and school behavioral problems related to these issues, as well as the needs of children experiencing depression, anxiety, and/or thought disorders.

3) The third program is our Parent Child Interaction Program (PCIT). This is one of my favorite programs that we work with. In PCIT we are able to provide parent coaching that works with the parent and child simultaneously. We use a wireless earphone in the ear of the parent, while observing the interaction between parent and child behind a one-way mirror. We then coach the parent on specific ways of relating to or managing the child’s behavior in the moment it’s happening. This enables us to provide immediate and effective responses to the child’s emotional crisis as it is happening.

ME: What would you say are 3 of the top strategies you recommend to your clients?

CN:

1) Praise, praise, praise! Giving kids specific praises when they are using appropriate behavior is a very effective tool. It not only lets him/her know what you like and expect from them but it also raises their self-esteem and makes both parent and child feel good! Be as specific as you can when praising, for example: “Charlie, you did such a nice job playing gently with your toys. I love when we play together”.

2) Consistency. The more consistent you can be with your child the better. When giving consequences to behavior, try to follow through as much as you can. It’s important to watch out for empty threats. I know we all have our moments where we throw a consequence out there and cringe at the thought of having to make dinner with no TV or having to cancel that play date they were so excited about! If you take a minute and think about a consequence that will be effective and that you can live with, it will be well worth your time. A good idea is to let your child know what the consequences are ahead of time. Helps both of you feel prepared and can decrease arguments. Set the ground rules and make your expectations clear.

3) Quality time. As busy moms we are all running in a million different directions trying to do it all. If you can spend as little as 5 minutes a day of special time with your kids, they will eat it up! This is the time to put your cell phone, computer, the stress and worries of the day aside and focus all of your attention on your child. Allow them to lead the play. It makes them feel special, builds their self-esteem and really shows that you are interested and listening to them. I find that it’s during this time that kids feel more comfortable talking; it opens up opportunities to communicate with your child. As they get older and start to rely on their peers more, this time can be invaluable. It’s a time to be silly, find your inner goofiness and just go with it! This can be tough if you have more than one child, so you can play with how it works within your family. If you have time to play with each child separately every day, great. If not, maybe try trading days. They will appreciate the extra effort. Make sure to give them a warning a few minutes before special playtime is over so they know what to expect. This is a great time to listen, to praise, and give them lots of hugs and kisses!

ME: What do you think are the greatest parenting challenges?

CN: Wow, this is a tough one! There are so many. Parenting the most rewarding, wonderful, amazing, yet HARD job that a person can have. Every family’s situation is so different that we all have our specific challenges. For me personally, I feel that trying to raise children that are happy, loving, kind, polite, educated, secure, confident (the list goes on…) all the while trying to work, keep up with friends and family, exercise, and maintain some romance in my marriage is a challenge that I struggle with daily. I find that connecting with other moms is a great way to work through these challenges. Or at least a great way to feel like you aren’t quite as crazy as you might have thought. Chances are, most of the other ladies are in the same boat. Whether it’s sharing stories, a glass of wine, books or parenting strategies, having a strong support system can be a godsend.

ME: If you could make a short list of minor things that parents do that end up causing harm without their realizing it, what would be on that list?

CN:

1) Criticizing your child. So many times without realizing it, we are saying things to our kids that come across as critical. Most of the time we do this unintentionally, thinking that we are disciplining our kids. In reality, these critical statements often increase the criticized behavior, can lower their self-esteem and create a sore spot in your relationship. Some examples of this are: “you are being naughty”, “that’s not right”, “you are driving me crazy”.

2) Modeling inappropriate behavior. Kids are very perceptive and are watching us ALL the time. Without realizing it, we are teaching our kids how to behave, how to treat others, how to interact just by living our day-to-day lives. The old adage, do as I say not as I do, unfortunately doesn’t apply with our little ones. Be mindful, and live the life you want your children to emulate.

ME: What is the best parenting advice you have ever received?

CN: I think it’s that a happy mom is a good mom. So often we put ourselves last in the long list of people to take care of. A mentor of mine taught me to take a cue from the flight attendants: “before putting the oxygen mask on everyone around you, put it on yourself, and then assist others”. The more that my soul is filled up, the more I have to give to my family. This is a hard one to live by, but I try to think of this advice when life starts to feel a little crazy and out of control.

ME: What is the best advice you have ever received?

CN: I have been very lucky to be surrounded by some pretty amazing people in my life, so it is hard to pick one thing. One piece of advice that I think of often is that life is short; live it like each day is your last. It’s so easy to put things off, to lose track of the people we love in the chaos of our busy lives. I try (not always successfully!), to keep this in mind and cherish the people who make my world a better place. I am lucky to have them and I strive to not take them for granted.

ME: What is the best advice you have ever given?

CN: Hug and kiss your family and friends every chance you get, travel the world, and spend time with people that make you laugh so hard that you cry!

Thank you so much to Courtney for indulging me and my somewhat “advice obsessed” queries! Hope you all feel a little more enriched for having spent the time pondering these words.