An interview with a GREAT source of advice....

One of the people I go to for truly great advice and informed counsel is my incredibly talented sister-in-law; Courtney. Because she always shares such incredible insight, and has a job where she actually counsels parents, I thought an interview with her might be a help to some you out there….

So here it is, an interview with the one and only….Courtney Norton

ME: Can you please describe your job?

CN: I am a therapist at The Child Guidance Center in Santa Ana. I work with three different programs within our clinic:

1) Child Abuse Prevention Program where we provide individual, family, group therapy, parent-education and life-skill services to families that are referred by the Orange County Social Services agency for reasons related to child abuse and/or neglect.

2) The second is a program targeting children who have suffered through any type of violence and trauma. Through this program we are able to offer individual counseling to address emotionally related problems, learning and school behavioral problems related to these issues, as well as the needs of children experiencing depression, anxiety, and/or thought disorders.

3) The third program is our Parent Child Interaction Program (PCIT). This is one of my favorite programs that we work with. In PCIT we are able to provide parent coaching that works with the parent and child simultaneously. We use a wireless earphone in the ear of the parent, while observing the interaction between parent and child behind a one-way mirror. We then coach the parent on specific ways of relating to or managing the child’s behavior in the moment it’s happening. This enables us to provide immediate and effective responses to the child’s emotional crisis as it is happening.

ME: What would you say are 3 of the top strategies you recommend to your clients?

CN:

1) Praise, praise, praise! Giving kids specific praises when they are using appropriate behavior is a very effective tool. It not only lets him/her know what you like and expect from them but it also raises their self-esteem and makes both parent and child feel good! Be as specific as you can when praising, for example: “Charlie, you did such a nice job playing gently with your toys. I love when we play together”.

2) Consistency. The more consistent you can be with your child the better. When giving consequences to behavior, try to follow through as much as you can. It’s important to watch out for empty threats. I know we all have our moments where we throw a consequence out there and cringe at the thought of having to make dinner with no TV or having to cancel that play date they were so excited about! If you take a minute and think about a consequence that will be effective and that you can live with, it will be well worth your time. A good idea is to let your child know what the consequences are ahead of time. Helps both of you feel prepared and can decrease arguments. Set the ground rules and make your expectations clear.

3) Quality time. As busy moms we are all running in a million different directions trying to do it all. If you can spend as little as 5 minutes a day of special time with your kids, they will eat it up! This is the time to put your cell phone, computer, the stress and worries of the day aside and focus all of your attention on your child. Allow them to lead the play. It makes them feel special, builds their self-esteem and really shows that you are interested and listening to them. I find that it’s during this time that kids feel more comfortable talking; it opens up opportunities to communicate with your child. As they get older and start to rely on their peers more, this time can be invaluable. It’s a time to be silly, find your inner goofiness and just go with it! This can be tough if you have more than one child, so you can play with how it works within your family. If you have time to play with each child separately every day, great. If not, maybe try trading days. They will appreciate the extra effort. Make sure to give them a warning a few minutes before special playtime is over so they know what to expect. This is a great time to listen, to praise, and give them lots of hugs and kisses!

ME: What do you think are the greatest parenting challenges?

CN: Wow, this is a tough one! There are so many. Parenting the most rewarding, wonderful, amazing, yet HARD job that a person can have. Every family’s situation is so different that we all have our specific challenges. For me personally, I feel that trying to raise children that are happy, loving, kind, polite, educated, secure, confident (the list goes on…) all the while trying to work, keep up with friends and family, exercise, and maintain some romance in my marriage is a challenge that I struggle with daily. I find that connecting with other moms is a great way to work through these challenges. Or at least a great way to feel like you aren’t quite as crazy as you might have thought. Chances are, most of the other ladies are in the same boat. Whether it’s sharing stories, a glass of wine, books or parenting strategies, having a strong support system can be a godsend.

ME: If you could make a short list of minor things that parents do that end up causing harm without their realizing it, what would be on that list?

CN:

1) Criticizing your child. So many times without realizing it, we are saying things to our kids that come across as critical. Most of the time we do this unintentionally, thinking that we are disciplining our kids. In reality, these critical statements often increase the criticized behavior, can lower their self-esteem and create a sore spot in your relationship. Some examples of this are: “you are being naughty”, “that’s not right”, “you are driving me crazy”.

2) Modeling inappropriate behavior. Kids are very perceptive and are watching us ALL the time. Without realizing it, we are teaching our kids how to behave, how to treat others, how to interact just by living our day-to-day lives. The old adage, do as I say not as I do, unfortunately doesn’t apply with our little ones. Be mindful, and live the life you want your children to emulate.

ME: What is the best parenting advice you have ever received?

CN: I think it’s that a happy mom is a good mom. So often we put ourselves last in the long list of people to take care of. A mentor of mine taught me to take a cue from the flight attendants: “before putting the oxygen mask on everyone around you, put it on yourself, and then assist others”. The more that my soul is filled up, the more I have to give to my family. This is a hard one to live by, but I try to think of this advice when life starts to feel a little crazy and out of control.

ME: What is the best advice you have ever received?

CN: I have been very lucky to be surrounded by some pretty amazing people in my life, so it is hard to pick one thing. One piece of advice that I think of often is that life is short; live it like each day is your last. It’s so easy to put things off, to lose track of the people we love in the chaos of our busy lives. I try (not always successfully!), to keep this in mind and cherish the people who make my world a better place. I am lucky to have them and I strive to not take them for granted.

ME: What is the best advice you have ever given?

CN: Hug and kiss your family and friends every chance you get, travel the world, and spend time with people that make you laugh so hard that you cry!

Thank you so much to Courtney for indulging me and my somewhat “advice obsessed” queries! Hope you all feel a little more enriched for having spent the time pondering these words.