How small?

How big is your fear and how small can you make yourself??  I like to practice yoga, I’m pretty flexible and I’m not terribly tall, so when I want to, I can make myself pretty small.  I’m a pretty great hider at hide and seek and can fit into the child’s motorized Barbie car – par example….

But when do you make yourself small?  For me, it’s when I’m weak. 

When I’m embarrassed, I can sometimes make the wrong decision and drape myself in toxic ego dusted with spiky sarcasm. 

When I’m scared, I tend to go towards bravado, and a white knuckled, gladiator, bull-dog stance to show you that you can’t hurt MEEEEEEE (even though it is absolutely clear to all, that yes, you sure can and you already have).   But when I’m weak, when I’m tired, when I lose faith -  lose confidence in who am I am and what in the world I’m doing here -  that is when I feel invisible, and very very small.  I feel like I can be unseen.  I can fly under the radar of glances, give only 10% and just blend, blend, blend until I become the gray and fall into the middle distance and then try to fade into nothing.

I think it’s interesting to explore how we make ourselves small, and why.  Because though in the moment, your feeling is of less than zero, of minimizing your wonderful self.  Of dimming the brilliant light you have inside you, for whatever reason.  You know it isn’t what you were designed for.  That making yourself small keeps love out and your gifts held in. Could recognizing how we make ourselves small teach us a bit of how we make ourselves whole?  How we rebound into the brilliance that each one of us has in us?  The sparkly self?   I would like to think so. 

Summer dreams....

Summer goals

( Picture from a hike in moonstone)

• ·         Have an awesome time at Kelly and Mark’s wedding – CHECK!
• ·         Pick up Olivia from sailing on Shady Grady – CHECK!
• ·         Hike in Moonstone – CHECK!
• ·         Go to the Isthmus – CHECK!
• ·         Go to Ventura - TBD
• ·         Laugh a lot with the kids – in process
• ·         Enjoy relaxing time on the boat – CHECK!
• ·         Have a dance party – CHECK!
• ·         Learn a new joke – working on this today…..
• ·         Do something new with Blake - TBD
• ·         Help Blake be successful with therapist at the Bay Club –  Modified
• ·         Stay in shape – TBD

Because here is what I don’t want to do this summer.  Pout, while in lovely surroundings, that I’m the ONLY one vacuuming up the popcorn.  You’ll note that keeping the house clean was absent from the list above. 

Stress, that my child didn’t get a first place ribbon and that Blake isn’t making progress with his speech or behavior in in summer program.

Feel like I’m not doing enough.  Get a major case of the ENOUGH life suck.  Like I’m not MAXIMIZING enough of the summer- because I AM crazy goal oriented and totally capable of setting unattainable goals and most certainly capable of feeling like crap when I don’t check them off the list.  This is a big list.  It’s a FUN – for me at least – list.  And this is just 40% of what was on the top of my mind in June and what I had already planned.  There will be more this summer.  There will be the unexpected plot twist, there always is.  The plan disruptor or the fun fairy that comes along.  In writing this ‘first thought’ list, I see 1: that these are things that are at the moment my top of mind priorities and 2: that I don’t need to dream up any MORE ideas.  That would turn this summer into the AMAZING RACE summer edition, which I can see on TV, but don’t need to live.

Suns out buns out y ‘all.  I gotta learn me a new joke.

Pants, Zerberts, moments of joy and the bright side

Disregard the dog and the little lady in this shot :)  Blake in the outfit I chose.

Pants

There is grief, sadness, anger, jealousy.  It is hard to watch, when your child struggles, because you don’t want this for them.  When they are so different than everyone else is…… it….. is…… sad.        

And it doesn’t stop.  And if you allow it to, that sadness can take away from the joy that is there. What an incredible monumental challenge it can be to be joyful sometimes.  To deny the shadow.  To accept the joy in its moment for what it is, and not what it isn’t or could be.  The strength it takes to be fiercely joyful;  amid--- pitying looks, and ignorance of the milestone you witness.  It’s exhausting, but you crave that strength, that joyful opportunity.  You hope for it, you pray for it and you hold your breath for it.  What a beautiful and difficult existence parenting a special needs child is.  You’re forced to measure by your own standards, which you update and modify according to your moment in time.  According to the goals of your family.  According to what you think your child can do, and what you push for.  According to what is important to you.  

I’m able to dress my son in button down shirts and outfits I pick out.  After a fair amount of work, he tolerates the clothes I want him to wear.  He doesn’t have the ability to object to the color or the style, and he acquiesces because he has to wear clothes to school and he can’t dress himself.  So while it would be great to not have to put his pants on for him, this is my victory.  I get to dress him in what I think is “cute’’!  There are moments, where I’m snapping his pants in the morning, and I feel sad.  He’s getting taller, he’s growing older, and I start to go down the bad path.  

“I’ll bet none of the other moms have to do this.”’

“I’m going to have to do this forever.”

“What’s going to happen to him when I can’t do this?”

And none of these thoughts make me feel better.   

Not only are they not entirely true, they are also not helpful.  Because there are things to be done, there are joyful moments hiding in the upsetting ones, and the day isn’t going to be a great one if you focus on all of the “nots” in your own life.  So if I go down the bad path, I pull myself back up and try to remember;

“So few people have as much time with their child as I do.’’

“My child is so beautiful”

‘’I’m grateful we have clothes to wear, and a healthy set of legs and arms to put them on”’

‘’I’m going to give him a zerbert and make him laugh’’

 
 

There are plenty of things that aren’t what I want, but there are multitudes of things that I’ve been given that are far greater than I had ever hoped.  Worrying about tomorrow, next year, and ten years from now isn’t helpful.   It’s also not going to be what I anticipate.  It may be better, it may be worse.  So for now, I have to work on keeping in mind the thing in front of me, or at least up to the horizon of my day.  And enjoy the bright side.