Any followers?

Anyone back there???

Last week I posted a little discussion on leadership, so this week I thought it would be appropriate to discuss how to get people to follow you.  I'm basing this advice on my experience as a human being and what I've observed over the last ehhhhh 20 plus years.  

Being a parent puts you in a prime position to re-evaluate the human experience. You get to see life play out through the eyes of your beloved child.  It also allows you the opportunity to dig back up old memories of experiences you had as a child and see them in a light that is quite a bit different with a few more miles on your tires.   And finally, parenthood requires that you get independent beings to go along with what you want them to do despite the fact that they really do not want to.  So I was thinking on how you could extrapolate what you do as a parent to get your toddler to follow you and tweak these approaches to be appropriate for adults.  Lets see if this will work....

• The treat trail

• Often times, I have employed (rather effectively) the use of a treat in order to get my kids to follow me.  (To you judgers out there; judge away HERE---it's effective though).  In a way, this trailing of treats, or promising of treats is employed often in marriages, friendships, even in work.  
• EX:   Spoken by a spouse...."IF you do X (wash my car)  you will get Y (extra time to watch "Breaking Bad")"
• EX:  In working eenvironments..."Join us for an incredibly mind-numbing conference in LAS VEGAS and we'll pay for tons of entertainment and give you free stuff.

• Volume Control

• I love to sing, and my extensive karaoke experience has taught me that the use of volume can make all the difference when making music.  This is true too in your common conversation, and is an especially effective tool in trying to get people to pay attention to you.  With kids, you will often see parents employing the use of LOUD volume (a.k.a. yelling) to get the attention of their little darlings.  I've found that in the proper circumstance, speaking softly, but clearly, can also help you to garner the attention of a crowd.  
• Caveat:  Do not try this with a lot of extroverts that are drinking, they will be happy to speak right over your clever little quiet offering. 

• Hostage Hold

• If you have something people want, they will be more likely to listen to you or to follow you.  For instance, if I took your phone and put it in my office, I'd probably be seeing you in there pretty soon.  While small time thievery is likely not a great start to coercing someone to do something, it will get feet in the seats.  In our day to day home routine, shoes are put on in the car.    "Meet me in the car and we'll put on your shoes"  is a common chorus during mornings where we were supposed to be out the door 5 minutes ago.  Shoes are nice.  They cover your feet and allow you to be comfortable walking outside.  You kinda need them.  Therefore, you're probably going to get to the car a bit sooner than if we tried to put them on in your room, where you're surrounded by toys that you love and really want to play with RIGHT NOW instead of going to school.   

• This method can be utilized in a different way for adults by simply drowning out as many distractions as you possibly can.  On nights when I get an opportunity to go on a date with my spouse, if I am looking to have a conversation, I'm not going to the OC Fair.  I'm not going to a sports bar or any vortex of stimulation.  Because, if I want your attention, it will be a lot easier for me to get it if I'm not competing with anything.  On one of our first dates, my husband took me out on an electric boat ride in the harbor.  Because, he knew, he kind of wanted all of my attention and didn't want to have to compete for it.  And it wasn't until we were out there that I realized that I allowed this guy to take me hostage (in a good way, not a controversial one) and that it was pretty nice to just be together with him. 

 

 So if you want to get someone to follow you, or to be a part of your gang, try these things.  They may improve your outcomes or at least cause others to take notice that you have they're missing their shoes and phone.

 

How do you Lead?

image source: http://www.afs.org/blog/icl/?p=2824  

How do you lead?

By example?
By cajoling?
Haphazardly?  Accidentally?  
Do you shake off leadership like a person trying to run from a stray dog in Mexico?  Are your hands up and out in front of you waving in counter motion while your face reflects a sucked lemon expression?  Do you prefer to be led?  Are you hopelessly, obsessively, IN CHARGE of everything?  If so - are you unable to hear the pleas of those around you begging to be heard?

I've had plenty of bouts with leadership, and I readily admit that I've been all of these leaders.  I've been the person IN CHARGE when no one else wanted to be.  I've been the leader because of my qualifications -both real and perceived- and I've also been the leader as a result of the power combo: a habitual controlling nature and a pursuit of doing a million tasks at one time while juggling crystal vases.   
  
My favorite way to lead is by building consensus.  It is completely within my comfort zone and works well with the way I like to deal with people, but of course is tremendously flawed in certain situations.  Great for leading a girls night out, terrible in crisis.  I don't mind being in charge, and I'm sure my husband would gladly inform you of the ways in which I'm a bit of a power-monger. However, leading by consensus typically works well for me because it allows the opportunity for a group to participate in the decision-making process, which often times leads to greater engagement in the outcome.  

Leadership is important, and it is unique.  So, who are some of your favorite leaders?  What do they do well?  What can you emulate?  Because whether you are an active or a passive participant, you're leading in your own way.  Are you doing it with intention?  In what ways are you a terrific leader and in what ways could you improve?    

Are you a Rosa Parks?  A Jane Adams?  A Martha Stewart?  These are three of the names on the list of "The 25 Most Powerful Women in the Last Century"by Time Magazine. Take a look and find some inspiration by clicking on this link:  http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2029774_2029776,00.html

Or, take your research a little closer to home.  Whatever you decide to do, whether it be to lead or to joyfully participate, think about it a little bit.  Then get back to juggling your vases. 

The story

I love stories.  I love a plot twist, a drama, a tall tale, even a parable.  I crave the sated feeling of a story’s conclusion.  My behavior has turned from carefree to controlling in my parenting years, and to be fair, I likely wasn’t as carefree as I’d like to remember myself prior to having kids.  This obsession I have with control has become somewhat necessary with my son’s autism, but I’m beginning to realize there are some hidden dangers in trying to control everything.  

The increasing pursuit of control leads to an inevitable rise in frustration.  Because, most things you actually can’t control.  You can’t control kids.  You can’t control life.  You can’t control autism.  So when I look at the picture above, this rare moment of my son with his adorable smile, showing me that there IS a story behind his eyes, reminding me that there IS an actual person inside his body - a being with personality, with a sense of humor, with an opinion and a mind and a story to tell - I feel a small release in the control engine.  I feel my foot slipping from the pedal, to allow room for my son to choose the next move.  And this silly, blurry moment, captured after so many failed trials, reminds me to try and be less controlling, to be silent and listen to the story he’s trying to tell.  Everyone has a story.  And everyone has a right to tell their own story.  I just hope I can change my behavior so that my son won’t have to SCREAM his story out because I’m trying to control the plot development.   I will do my very best to mother this child, but I’ve finally begun to realize that he doesn’t need me to tell his story for him.  He has a story that will be his own if I can just get out of his way.  He’ll need support, structure, and a team that refuses to quit.  But, he’ll also need the space to tell his own tale.  

That’s where we are this summer.  Maybe it just takes me a bit longer to figure out the mothering thing, or to let go enough to allow beautiful things to happen.  I know that there was definitely a period of time where the control, the intervention and constant redirection was necessary.  But now, 3 to 4 years later, after some measured progress, I’m realizing that I still have a 7 year old son.  Though he may not be exactly like every other 7 year olds; he is still a growing person who has much to share.  I look forward to quieting down and listening when he’s ready to tell us his tale.

Psychic Reading

Last night, at the county fair, I got a bad psychic reading.  This was the second time I had ever sat with a psychic and I am pretty confided it was the last.  What she told me was upsetting and has been niggling under my skin, flipping my stomach and downright bugging me since.   

The way I look at it, I have two choices: 

1.       Throw myself into an existential crisis (very tempting, but possibly expensive and annoying to friends and family)

2.       Create my own reading

I’m going with number 2.  I believe in God, I believe in energy and I believe in the power of positive thinking.  I believe that our past does not define us; and that every day there are thousands of opportunities to change our own lives and the lives of others in ways that are small and in ways that are magnificent.   With that in mind, here is what I think lies ahead:

You will have a terrific marriage.  Your children know they are loved and will lead healthy, happy lives.  You will never stop fighting to find a way to help your son with his autism and everything you are doing makes a difference in his life.  People love you and think you’re great.  Your kindness to others does not go unnoticed and what you are contributing to your family matters a great deal.  Continue to be a loving friend and creative person.  Your friends and family will all be healthy and prosperous and you will live in a world of rainbows and flowers for the rest of your days – Enjoy!  

I’d like to add in that I will….. become a talk show host / singer / motivational speaker and make millions of dollars,  and be able to eat chicken strips and French fries and never gain weight, and travel the world luxuriously and extensively…..but that would simply be TOO unrealistic.  Because psychics at the fair are ENTIRELY realistic.

My lesson here?  Maybe instead of looking to be told what will be, I can dedicate my energies to what I would like to be.  I can focus on what I know is true and go from there.  And I can walk around under the assumption that things are going to turn out okay.

Advice snippets

You've got a lot to read. 
You have a variety of titillating stimulants flashing across, popping up, tweeting or binging at you at any given moment.

In the spirit of our hyper-speed, multi-tasking, all-inclusive, macro, mini lives; here are a few advice quickies for all of you looking for a quick bit of something between your next big/little/medium thing flying into your atmosphere.....

Here are a few of my latest and greatest advice quickies that I try to use when I can actually remember to do so.....

• Our local organic market has the best price on roses.  They are beautiful and last longer.  
• Do not go shopping at Trader Joe's hungry.  Unless you need to stock up on snacks. Then, definitely go hungry and enjoy your new random purchases.
• Sometimes, people just need a hug.
• Kindness may not always be the BEST answer to a tough situation, but it usually helps things along.
• A good book can completely transform you.
• Get in the habit of listening.  
• Sometimes when you stop and take a breath, you can save yourself a lot of time and heartache.
• It's a lot easier to focus on what is wrong rather than what is right.  But when you focus on what is wrong, you might not recognize when something is right, right in front of you.
• Fruits and vegetables are incredible at keeping your body healthy.  
• Everything comes in seasons, so if things are good, ENJOY it!  If they're not, know that this time will pass sooner than you think.
• Wash your hands as often as you can.  You'll probably keep from getting sick.
• Everyone has a story.  
• When you're upset about something, and you're not sure if it's rational, call a trusted friend and share your story.  They may help you to realize how silly you are.
• Having friends to love is a tremendous blessing.
• Do your best!  If you can't do your best, see if you can outsource or get yourself to a place where you can.
• Learn at least 1 clean joke you can tell.
• Try to never interrupt.  

Few of these are NEW pieces of advice, but all are quick enough to be considered.  If you know me, then you know well that while I aspire to follow all of the advice above, I fall short of doing so pretty much all the time.  What are some of your favorite pieces of advice?  What do you keep in your framework or top of mind?  Comment and let me know.  In addition to always being free with advice, I'm always looking to improve on my list of quickies!

My ohmmm intention

So I know I am going to sound like a total hippie.  Which is somewhat humorous considering that I'm sitting in my kitchen, writing this indoors (when I could be sitting outdoors in the grass) wearing an awfully JCrew aspirational outfit, but whatever.  I suppose this is coming from my inner chakras, hippie, naturalist voice that is inside of me but not always seen from the outside.  Blame it on motherhood, my upbringing in northern California, or just the yoga I've been doing, 

I think the hippies may be on to something.   

I was very lucky this morning in that I got to go to a "hot yoga" class.  Yes, I too am surprised that I am painting luck over hot sweaty yoga, but go with me on this.  The teacher of the class was awesome.  He had verve, spunk and a contagious excitement that forced you into smiling.  In fact, we were given "extra credit"for smiling during the hard parts.  I am totally re-using that with my kids---but I digress.....

At the beginning of class, we were asked to set an intention for the class that would carry us through our day.  Being the type-A, wannabe suck-up student that I am; I did what we were asked.  I chose LOVE as my intention.   Because, in my current life zone, I'm finding that more LOVE tends to be the solution or at least tends to improve the situation almost universally.  I wonder, if I can continue to start each day and truly focus on setting an intention and carry that intention throughout the day.....

 Can I squeeze myself into the practice of setting an intention for the day and if I CAN,  will it hold  influence over my actions and thoughts during the hours I spend away from my pillow? 

If you're game, TRY it with me, and let me know what you find...

In case you're stumped on where to start, here are a few ideas of fun intentions to try:

Today I will focus on.....

 being AWESOME
Acting Silly
Being Calm
Having FUN
Caring for others
Being kind to myself
Showing kindness
Being Generous
CREATIVITY
Mindfulness
Having a dance party (or just consistently boogy-ing)
Laughter
Love

shhh.... baby sleeping

There is nothing quite like the calm of a house with a sleeping baby.  Especially at nap time.  I’m watching my nephew right now.  I am quietly tapping the keys of the keyboard, waiting for the moment to arrive when the house flips back “on” and is filled with music, drooling, laughing and winking.  He’s a 6 month old baby, I’m a 33 year old mother, so we pretty much act the same way when we’re playing.  And though I am certainly the oddball in our pairing, he is just not in a position to really choose much of what we do.  These few hours with the little babies brings me back to 2006, to 2008 and many of those days in between with my own two little ones.  Out of the haze of my own baby stage, I am able to recognize and remember today the way that babies can wrap you in hope.  Through their tiny, clear eyes, you can almost touch the human condition.  In most cases, they are unworried, responsive, and so expressive with what they need that they are able to show you the clearest answers to the complications we can create in life.  In a few years, it will be “No, no, no” and “ I WANT MY MOMMY!”.  But for now, it is peaceful baby breathing, delicious quiet, and some more drooly bouncing in the jumpy thing that plays 10 different tunes after nap time.

Hope you have a moment of delicious hope, humanity and love sometime in your day today.