 | ||
| Disregard the dog and the little lady in this shot :) Blake in the outfit I chose. |
Pants
There is grief, sadness, anger, jealousy. It is hard to watch, when your child struggles, because you don’t want this for them. When they are so different than everyone else is…… it….. is…… sad.
And it doesn’t stop.
And if you allow it to, that sadness can take away from the joy that is
there. What an incredible monumental challenge it can be to be joyful
sometimes. To deny the shadow. To accept the joy in its moment for what it
is, and not what it isn’t or could be. The
strength it takes to be fiercely joyful; amid--- pitying looks, and ignorance of the
milestone you witness. It’s exhausting,
but you crave that strength, that joyful opportunity. You hope for it, you pray for it and you hold
your breath for it. What a beautiful and
difficult existence parenting a special needs child is. You’re forced to measure by your own
standards, which you update and modify according to your moment in time. According to the goals of your family. According to what you think your child can
do, and what you push for. According to
what is important to you.
I’m able to dress my son in button down shirts and outfits I
pick out. After a fair amount of work,
he tolerates the clothes I want him to wear.
He doesn’t have the ability to object to the color or the style, and he
acquiesces because he has to wear clothes to school and he can’t dress
himself. So while it would be great to
not have to put his pants on for him, this is my victory. I get to dress him in what I think is “cute’’! There are moments, where I’m snapping his
pants in the morning, and I feel sad. He’s
getting taller, he’s growing older, and I start to go down the bad path.
“I’ll bet none of the other moms have to do this.”’
“I’m going to have to do this forever.”
“What’s going to happen to him when I can’t do this?”
And none of these thoughts make me feel better.
Not only are they not entirely true, they are
also not helpful. Because there are
things to be done, there are joyful moments hiding in the upsetting ones, and the
day isn’t going to be a great one if you focus on all of the “nots” in your own
life. So if I go down the bad path, I
pull myself back up and try to remember;
“So few people have as much time with their child as I do.’’
“My child is so beautiful”
‘’I’m grateful we have clothes to wear, and a healthy set of legs and
arms to put them on”’
‘’I’m going to give him a zerbert and make him laugh’’
There are plenty of things that aren’t what I want, but
there are multitudes of things that I’ve been given that are far greater than I
had ever hoped. Worrying about tomorrow,
next year, and ten years from now isn’t helpful. It’s also not going to be what I anticipate. It may be better, it may be worse. So for now, I have to work on keeping in mind
the thing in front of me, or at least up to the horizon of my day. And enjoy the bright side.
