So I am studying to take a test. The test date is set. The study material is piled up high in a dusty corner. And I am now extremely motivated to do ANYTHING but study for the exam. It is remarkable, truly, how irrational my behavior is, but as you might have guessed, I'm totally giving into it - since I'm updating my blog :).
I decided to sign up for the courses, I signed up for the test date, so why on earth am I not actively working to complete my task???? It seems I have simply forgotten (or blocked out) how hard it is to start studying after you have been out of practice for a while. Suddenly, signing up for that writing class at UCI doesn't seem like that great of an idea anymore.
I look back on my time in school fondly, and somewhat inaccurately. I seem to have forgotten how difficult it was to sit in the library for 4-6 hour stretches; concentrating and re-fueling every once in a while with a huge Diet Coke and a bag of Gardettos snack mix. I seem to have blocked out my internal pre-test freak out cycle:
FIRST:
Oh my gosh, how did I get myself into this mess? I'm never going to pass this test.
SECOND: Well, there is nothing to do now but do my best. I just need to get started and keep studying. I just need to be focussed, organized, and pray to the test gods. In most cases, there was some irrational crying that ocurred in the 2nd phase
THIRD: Hmm, well I seem to be retaining this material and recalling a lot more than I thought. Now that I've put a few hours in, I actually think I may at least pass this thing
FOURTH: Okay, I am now pretty prepared and have anywhere from 6 hours - 2 days until the exam. Maybe I should go help someone else with this. If I just review a little bit here and there, I should do okay.
FIFTH: Man, that was not as hard as I thought it would be. Phew! I passed. I should really sign up for another one of these, I mean I can totally do this type of thing with my eyes closed. That wasn't that hard! Next time I'm going to remember this feeling and I'm not going to freak out.
Of course, every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME I face an exam or even a new challenge, my first reaction is fear. Which is pretty ridiculous since I always look back on things with a clearer and much calmer perspective. I've been out of the working world for a while now, and out of the test taking world for even longer. Now that I've thrown myself into this position where I have a test to take, I must apologize. School is hard! It is a completely different kind of difficult than my current routine, but difficult all the same. So to those of you who are in school, just finished school, or are in a position where you have to take tests on a regular basis; I want to apologize and give you back some of the credit I was cheating you out of. Now that I'm actually walking on the "greener" grass, I realize it's still a tough lawn to navigate successfully!
Wish me luck, procrastination time is over :).
